Overcoming the Scars of Abortion

Before I married Tony, I was dating a guy named Mike. I started dating him when I was 17. I loved Mike, and I thought that I was going to marry Mike. I wanted to marry Mike. There were things about Mike that I didn't quite like, but I thought that I was gonna be the woman that changed him, and make that difference in his life. He was somewhat controlling of me, but I didn't mind at that time. I kinda liked it to tell you the truth.

To make a long story short, I ended up pregnant. I was humiliated, and more than anything, I didn't want to tell my parents. I knew how much my parents would be disappointed in me. I had big plans of going to Emmanuel College in Georgia and majoring in music. The school had contacted me and asked me to apply for a scholarship. Here I was, I thought I was going to go to a christian collage, and pregnant. But more than that, I just didn't want my parents to know. I remember going to the bathroom and just hoping and praying that things had been "taken care of" naturally. I remember hoping that God would take my child. I know that sounds horrible, and that it makes me sound like a monster, and it was horrible. I was being terribly selfish.

In my stupid desperation, I made a decision that effected the rest of my life, and will continue to do so until the day I die. My humiliation led me to killing the child that I was carrying. I had an abortion. I was 14 weeks pregnant when I had that horrible procedure done. I always knew that it was wrong, and I always knew that it was murder. Yet, I went along with it anyway. Well, after that, I can NOT tell you what my life was like. I had NO IDEA how that June day would effect me for years to come. (June 14, to be exact) I thought that I would drive to Raleigh, get it done, and get on with my life. And that is what I tried to do. The day after I had it done, my mom was at work, and I went to make me some breakfast. I was going to fix me some eggs. I accidentally dropped an egg of the floor and it busted. I fell on the ground, laid there, and cried and cried. For some reason, that egg splattered all over the floor, reminded me of the child that I had just killed. To this day, every time I cook eggs, I think of that day....I remember me laying of the floor weeping.

If I thought I was humiliated when I found out I was pregnant...I had NO IDEA how humiliated I would feel afterwards. I cried, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without feeling total hatred. I hated me, and I hated Mike, and I hated everyone. I thought about it constantly every day.....and I don't mean for just a few weeks or months...I am talking YEARS here. I had absolutely NO PROBLEM telling and believing with my whole heart that God would forgive someone else for what they had done, no matter what it was. They could have even come to me and told me that they had an abortion, and I would believe that God would forgive them, but I did not see how he could possible forgive me. I beat myself up over it. I was too ashamed to so much as walk into a church. Then finally I got to the point to where I could walk into a church, but not get into the service. How in the world could I possibly have worshipped God when I had done something so horrible? This is how I felt. And after I had Cristopher, things just got worse. I would look down at my child at see the child that I had killed. I found myself wondering what the child would have looked like, and I every year around December, I would know that some time in that month would have been my child's birthday. It never got better, it only got worse and worse. I couldn't ask God to forgive me. I couldn't forgive myself, and I certainly didn't want God to forgive me either for killing His child.

We were stationed in Hawaii (husband was in service), and our son was 1. I had reached the point of misery.....I didn't want Tony, I didn't my child, and I didn't want my life. I wanted to go to bed and never wake up. In my mind, I did not deserve Tony, and especially, I didn't deserve this beautiful healthy baby that I had. I deserved to be in jail for murder, or dead and in hell........

Looking back on my life, I can see now that I had been suffering from depression from an early age. When I was in high school, I had asked my dad if I could go and talk to a therapist. My dad told me that no child of his was going to go to a psychiatrist. It was not "socially acceptable" then like it is now. So, with my history of depression, and post partem depression, and the trauma that was caused to me by myself because of the abortion that I had, I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Tony at that time, had been transferred to a new unit because he had had surgery on his ankle. He was working in a substance abuse counseling center. Everyone that was working there was military, but there was one man named Roger who was a civilian therapist working for the military. One night, Tony and I were coming home from our friends house, and once again, something set me off. I was to the point of hysterical. I finally finally told Tony that I could not live my life like this anymore, and that I had to get some help. I did not want to end up like my brother , and that was the direction that I was headed. And I was going in that direction very rapidly. Tony spoke with Roger, and he agreed to see me. I did not have a substance abuse problem, so he was taking a chance on agreeing to see me. The first time that I went, I was so scared. A military physician had already started me on anti-depressants. But I went. We covered many things, but I did not trust him at first to tell him about the horrible person that I really was. Eventually, I did. He helped me tremendously. He and I never talked about God......But I did. I would tell him my feelings and guilt towards God. To this day, I do not know if he was a christian, but he sure helped me sorting through my feelings.

I went on a CREDO retreat for 4 days. I spent 4 days, trying to forgive myself. To no avail....I could not do it. Finally......one day........the most difficult day of my life..........I was there, talking to Roger....and sometimes he would give me little activities to do. This day, he left me, and gave me a piece of paper and a pencil, and asked me to draw what I thought the child that I had killed would have looked like. Talk about difficult, but I did it. He gave me a box, and told me to put the drawing of my child in the box. Reluctantly, I agreed. Then, he went and got Lisa, a girl that worked there with Tony, and we left....he put the box in the trunk of the car. I did not know where we were going, and I don't think that Lisa knew either. He drove us to a very remote part of the island. We went to the beach, then went back in the woods. We went through little coves, I remember it being one of the most beautiful places that I had ever seen on the island....and I had seen some pretty beautiful places on the island. He took the shovel, dug a whole, and buried my box. Me, Roger, and Lisa had a funeral for my child. We put up a makeshift cross made out of sticks for my child. Then they left me alone with my child to say good-bye. It was there, in that beautiful remote place on Kanehoe Bay, Oahu, that I was finally able to start my healing process. After years and years of carrying that horrible sin with me, I was finally starting to let it go, and to let God take it from me. Like I said, I do not know if Roger was a christian or not, but I know that what we did that day was an idea that was from God. After, many hours of therapy, that is what it took to help me.

I finally was able to let it go, and give it to God completely, that doesn't mean that I don't still think about it. But I know that I am forgiven. And I know that God can still use me, and that He can still love me. It took sooooooo long, many many many many hours, and many more tears. But I was able to give it to Him. No, I still haven't quite mastered the art of forgiving myself, but I do accept that God has forgiven me. I don't weep and cry anymore, and I don't carry it with me all the time.

Through all of this, I have been hurt by christians the most. Those are the ones that make the cruel comments that ladies that have had abortions should die and burn in hell. People who don't know about that in my past are the ones that have made comments like that. By the mercy of God, He was able to forgive me. Walking down the halls in churches, and you see these signs or posters against abortions, and they have pretty horrific pictures. That hurts too....but it is not the churches fault...they don't mean to hurt. We, as christians, need to be careful and choose our words carefully, because we never know what someone is carrying in their closets.

I want young girls to know that when they are making the decision to have sex, that they are also taking a chance of getting pregnant. "oh no, that will not happen to me" does not mean anything. Condoms don't always work. Abstinence is the only foul proof method. And if they get pregnant....are they prepared to give up their life.....either by raising a child, or by giving up their life to the bondage of abortion. I got pregnant, and it almost ruined my life. I had thought of dying...I wanted to die...I wanted to escape the knowledge of what I had done. And to the young boys....if they really love these girls, then they would not put the girls in this situation to begin with. And the girls need to understand that. One moment of excitement IS NOT worth what the outcome could be. Whether a man or a woman, when you take a chance on having premarital sex, you are taking a chance of bringing one of God's innocent, precious little children into this world. Then you will be faced with the decision of what you are going to do. It is NOT a pleasant experience.

I have since found out in doing research, that there is an organization that caters to women in churches who are going through the same thing that I went through. The offer counseling training, and lots of information. Such as, do you know now that it has been proven that women who have had abortions have something like (I can't remember the exact number) a 50% higher chance of getting breast cancer. I know, through finding this organization that I am not the only one who has had a bad time of making through and abortion mentally. Men, and women need to know this.

And I also want to get it out, that we all do need to be careful as christians, of judging others, and making statements like was made to me.

Cristy Reese

If you would like to write her, Cristy is happy to be contacted at [email protected]

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