Welcome,
Love, Sex and Relationships
Love, sex and relationships! We all want to be loved, appreciated and have pleasure and fulfilment in our lives. God gave us all the capacity to love and be loved, to have special friendships with others. He also gave us a sexual nature, and sexual desires. This was not just so that we would keep the human race going, but also because God wanted us to enjoy oneness with a life partner. This unity is actually a very powerful symbol of the way God wants it to be between us and Jesus Christ. That is what the Bible teaches!
Sex is a gift from God. It is not evil. But it is a powerful gift, and it can be abused or perverted.
Sex is like fire. In your fireplace it can keep your house warm. But if fire gets out of control it can burn your house down. It can even kill you. Sex is like that. Lots of people have now died of sexually transmitted diseases. Modern man may mock, but the best way to avoid diseases like AIDS, syphillus and others is to limit your sex life to just one lifelong partner who has not gotten infected with these diseases through promiscuity. And until you find that person, abstinence won't kill you. In fact, it will release a lot of creative energy which you can apply to achieving in many areas of life.
It seems a shame that people suffer so much and some die because of bad decisions with regard to their sex lives.
Here's a little illustrated comic on that theme. Its called That Crazy Guy!
My wife Marilena has written something as advice to girls who would
like to find the right partner! As soon as it is ready we will upload it
to the site. Write her if you would like to talk about it.
If you are married you can find good books in most Christian bookshops about how to enjoy your marriage relationship more and how to enrich it.
If you are single, wanting to be married, remember this: it is better
to be that way than to be married, wanting to be single!
Until you get married, learn to make friends, get to know people of
both sexes - but be strong enough to keep sexual activity right out of
your relationships until you have found your marriage partner, and the
date is set! Even then, keep your clothes on with each other if you want
to fully enjoy your marriage later.
Abstinence is not necessarily easy psychologically, but it does have its rewards. If you concentrate on being the kind of person worth being married to, then God will eventually bring you the right partner. I waited until I was 28 before I got married, and God has given me a wonderful wife. The years before that I was able to direct my energy into serving God, which was itself very fulfilling.
To be honest with you though, the power of the Holy Spirit available to a Christian is more powerful than sex. I know this from experience. Some may never believe or understand that - but it doesn't change the facts. I mean, the Holy Spirit IS God. He is more powerful than anything He created, including sex. God told us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The lack of this sometimes leads people to search for fulfilment in sexual activity outside of God's guidelines. This kind of search will prove to be frustrating and ultimately destructive. I want to write now a little on
Sexual Sin
Fornication is when two unmarried people have a sexual relationship. Pre-marital sex is a form of fornication. The Bible says that fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Yet there is hope for those who turn from their sin.
Fornication is a rip-off for several reasons
If the relationship breaks up (and it usually does) someone is going to be badly hurt.
Later, when you marry your life partner, you will have flashbacks to the old relationship/s which will rob you of some of the joy of marriage, leaving you unsatisfied.
You can get sexually transmitted diseases through fornication. You might even die.
There will be a stronger barrier between you and God which you will find it difficult to overcome. A lot of people who claim to have "intellectual problems" with the gospel actually have a problem with sexual immorality.
Adultery
Adultery mean having a sexual relationship with somebody you are not married to, when either that person, you yourself or both of you are are married to someone else. Adultery is tirelessly promoted in the world's media. It is glamorised and exalted and lifted up. It is made to look so exciting, adventurous and fulfilling. What they generally don't show you is the heartache it causes. In real life, practising adultery will bring a curse on you and generally it will cost you financially. You may have to suffer struggles with a guilty conscience for a long time afterwards, if you commit adultery. God said, "You shall not commit adultery" because He made us, loves us and knows what is best for us. Rebelling against God always costs dearly - but in this matter this price is very high.
Why is God Against Adultery?
To commit adultery is not a smart move, no matter how bad the marriage is that you profane through the adulterous relationship. Here are some reasons why God is against adultery:
1. It hurts the one who was betrayed by adultery.
If you love someone and trust them, and then find out that they have
been sexually unfaithful to you, it is emotionally devastating to say the
least. God wants to protect people from this - therefore he forbids adultery.
2. To allow it would make every marriage insecure
Women in general pay the greater price in a relationship. Women are
usually emotionally more sensitive than men and often have a greater need
for love and security. To the extent that adultery and divorce are accepted
in society - to that extent women will be exploited and robbed of the security
and true love they need. Men also suffer when marriages break down. If
faithfulness in marriage was not important, then no marriage would be safe.
There are always going to be times when the thought comes that things could
be better with someone else. If there was no safeguard against this, families
would break down, and so would the moral fabric of society. Perhaps you
yourself have already been a victim of some of this.
3. It hurts the children
Children love to see that their parents love each other. They are hurt
when they can't see that - when they hear them fighting or saying bad things
to each other. When marriages break up through adultery the children are
emotionally scarred, and may be left without one of their parents
4. It is expensive
The people who really make money out of adultery are divorce lawyers.
The divorce courts eat up the financial resources of those whose marriages
fail due to adultery. Often houses must be sold below the market price
to make quick settlements. This is one of the least of the reasons why
adultery is bad but it does count for something. After all, we spend a
lot of our time earning money. Why throw it away?
It seems to just be the way it is that whoever you sleep with gets your money. Prostitutes know that. A whole industry has grown up around that fact.
5. It Means Breaking Important Promises
How can a person commit adultery without also being a liar and a covenant
breaker? Can we trust such people who betray the ones that are closest
to them?
6. It Gives the Devil an Opportunity to Steal from Us
You may not believe that the devil exists, but I'm telling you, you
will see the results of his influence if you commit adultery. He then has
a legal right to put a curse on you. Evil spirits will steal your peace,
joy - possibly even your health and life.
What Can Be Done for Those Already Burned by the Fire of Sexual Sin?
The good news of Jesus Christ means that anyone caught in sexual sin can experience forgiveness and restoration. It may or may not be possible for relationships to be restored the way God meant them to be, but two relationships can be restored: (1) Your relationship with God, and (2) Your relationship with yourself.
Jesus, because He paid for the guilt of your sin, can offer you forgiveness if you turn from it. He gives you the power to turn from it if you want to know the new life he can give you. Jesus is real and has forgiven hundreds of thousands of adulterers down through the ages. To receive his forgiveness, you yourself must also forgive. Unless you forgive others who have hurt you, God will not forgive you. Therefore please forgive others, and ask God for forgiveness.
I have no doubt that many talented, cultured people have become homosexuals at some stage in their lives. Homosexuals are valuable people too! But none of this make homosexuality right.
No matter what people say, the God of the Bible is against homosexual behavior. Homosexuals may shake their fist at God and try to convince everyone, including themselves, that they were born that way, but it is a lie. It may be a politically correct lie, but it is still a lie.
People are recruited into the homosexual movement. They are not born that way. Often boys who did not grow up with a father are vulnerable to seeking male love through homosexuality.
There is the interesting account of an intelligent young man who turned from homosexuality to Christ in the book, Miracles Still Happen found on this site. Please check it out.
Here is a comic (Doom Town) which contains a compassionate plea to homosexuals to turn before it is too late.
I am familiar with so-called Biblical defenses of homosexuality and I think they hold no water. A Christian homosexual is a contradiction in terms! Practising homosexuals can become Christians, and it can even happen the other way, but no one is both.
A Brief Summary against so-called Biblical Arguments Permitting Homosexuality
The sin of Sodom was not just selfishness, pride, inhospitality or lack of compassion - though all these sins were certainly present (Ezekiel 16:49). The sin of Sodom was homosexuality.
"as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities around them in a similar manner to these, having given themselves over to sexual immorality and gone after strange flesh, are set forth as an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire." (Jude 7).
The men of Sodom wanted to know the angels sexually. Lot tried to appease them by offering his own virgin daughters, who had never known a man (Genesis 19:8). The meaning of "know" here in this passage is obviously sexual.
Homosexuality is condemned not only in the law of Moses, but also in the New Testament. The fact that it is called an "abomination" in in the Old Testament should give us a clue as to how God feels about it. Paul wrote these words, inspired by the Holy Spirit.
"For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even the women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of the error which was due." (Romans 1:26-27)
Paul says nothing here about homosexuality being wrong because of its association with temple idolatry, and everything about its being shameful, vile and against nature. Just as adultery is wrong with or without temple idolatry, so is homosexuality.
Homosexuality is against essential nature, not merely against "sociological nature". We were not designed to have sex with the same sex. Isn't that obvious?
When 1 Corinthians 6:19 speaks of "homosexual offenders" (NIV) it means the offense of homosexuality. It is not talking about homosexuals who happened to be offensive in some unspecified way, but about people whose offense was homosexual practices. The book of Jude and 2 Peter are very clear.
There is no one so blind as those who don't want to see. God is not asking your permission to tell you what is right or wrong. He is not going to have a vote about it. One day you will die. Will you be ready to face the One who gave you a way out of the very things that were destroying you? Its not too late to turn to God.
It is clear that homosexuals, who have gained a major influence in today's secular media, are on a militant campaign to change the way society sees their behaviour. Most homosexuals are open mockers of God and Christian values. But God will not allow Himself to be mocked forever. A loving Savior will one day become a severe judge - not just against homosexuals, but against every other kind of unrepentant sinner - be they "Christian" or not.
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Comments
Please help
Hi!
I've been going out with a girl from the past two years, she comes from a very good pastor's family and she is saved.We both have made our mistakes and have gone too far and had physical relation with each other.But later I got to know about God's will in marriage and things like that.She says she is sure I'm God's will for her but I don't have an answer for that... I asked God several times but have not received any answer. We still have a good 4-5 years before we get married and now I'm really confused whether she is really the one God planned for me... so please guide me I'm very confused
I think that if you have
I think that if you have doubts about if she's the one, that means she is not. Really, if she was just right for and your second half - I pretty sure you'll never have any doubts about it at all.
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reply tp Jacob 11
I know that I may sound harsh, Do you care for this Girl? I would suggest that you talk to her and break it off, talk with your pastor first, confess your sins and God will be Quick to forgive you. By acting on your sexual desires you both acted inappropriately. Talk to your pastor and see if they could help bring in youth activities where you do things as a group and have plans to keep your minds and hearts on God and away from sex. You have awoke your desire now and for both of you it will become more difficult to controlling and for her she may think she is something Unloveable. now. this is not your responsibility, but explaining. that you moved too fast and you were not ready for what she wants is going to be easier with a mature person involved. also. You all need to find activities to keep your hearts full of Joy and your bodies busy with activity, maybe an activity center for the kids in your church or community, or an animal adoption and rescue. there are many good things that you as youth can do, if you come together with your hearts in the right place. Love, Annette
HI Annette! Thank you for
HI Annette!
Thank you for your good suggestions but my only fear is if I break it off will she be able to take it? will she ever get over it? as I told you... she loves me very much but I messed up my life enough and I don't want to do anything which is not God's will atleast from now on
Jacob 11
Jcob, do you think it is Gods will for you to be wed before you are Ready? 1Do you think she is so weak that she can't survive you, or do you want to think That? Do you think you are going to shatter her Life? And she will never forgive You? Well You are Going to have to be the bad guy here or you are Going to have to treat her badly so that she will break,up with you.It would be so much better for you both to sit down with the pastor. and his wife. Tell them the situation tell them that you still care deeply for her but are no where near ready for marriage and. you both need their help in confession and breaking up. Now is the time to act and by delaying, you are Going to make things harder on this girl. Plus. She may not forgive You right now, but in time she will be gratefully that you did break up and repented. I can't force you, but the longer you delay the worse things become.
Please help
Hi, First of all I would like to say I would think it is important to be truly repentant. Then As in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You don't say how old you are. If you want to wait 4-5 years before you get married it would indicate that you are quite young? Please do not take what I have said as the answer, as these are only my suggestions. As with any problem, one could be given many answers, but probably only one is right in the sight of God. I am sure, if you repent, ask forgiveness and pray and ask Jesus to lead you to the answer on the internet, he would do that. You could write out a list of keywords to search for and even if it takes a few hours searching, you should be able to find the answer. The resulting confusion, fear, and so on that you feel need to be dealt with and you can lots of help with that too on the internet. As a result you could learn more and arrive at a point that you understand enough that you would not do that again, as fornication is regarded as being quite serious. In that way also you would get closer to God, which would help to recompense and put it right. I know it is something that has the potential to be so tempting, one should make sure one is NEVER in the position where it could happen, i.e. chaperoned or only together with other people around, otherwise it is asking for trouble. I do hope this helps.
Hi Susan!! I'm sorry I
Hi Susan!!
I'm sorry I haven't mentioned my age but we both are 21 and I will take atleast a good 5 years to get married and we both took this decision in a haste, we did not pray about it or anything but it was based on emotions and though I can now move on, I'm worried she can't ... I don't want to break her heart but at the same time I don't want to do what is not God's will... I feel so confused
How Do I Know She's 'The One'
Jacob,
You have stated something as fact here that may not be fact at all... foremost is, "it will take at least a good 5 years to get married..."
If you are right for each other, it takes 5 minutes, and you work through the 5 years together. I know a couple who got pregnant as teens before college and got married and worked through college together with their baby. They had bumps, but they have victories and blessing for honoring God and each other.
Why are you saying it will take at least 5 years to marry? That sounds very much like fear talking and not God.
You have asked your central question, 'how do I know she is the one God has planned for me?" This is your reason for being on the board, you have received advice that addresses side issues, but not that core question. So, let me address it by saying....
YOUR QUESTION IS FLAWED.
Part of our free will is that we get to choose certain things. The one for Isaac was chosen by Abraham's servant. Do you wish to ask your father to pick out 'the one' for you? Isaac's son, Jacob, fell in love and chose his wife. He was swindled and ended up with two, just to be sure he got, 'the one'.
It is not the specific person that matters. There are perhaps a hundred, or thousands of girls you could fall in love with and commit to in marriage before the Lord and if both of your hearts are engaged in doing HIS will, you will do well and He will bless you.
Going back to Jacob, the Lord blessed whatever HE PUT HIS HAND TO. In other words, Jacob chose, and God blessed whatever he chose.
Joseph married the daughter of the high priest of On, how much does that look like, 'the one' for him? Yet, God blessed the children who grew into the two largest tribes of Israel... one tribe was so large it was made into TWO half tribes.
If you love this girl (you already 'loved' her enough to defile her) are you willing to lay down your life for her and be a Godly cover for her and the family that will come?
A problem men and women face is they may be asking, 'is this God's will' when in reality they are dodging responsibility and what they are really asking inside is, "is she/he right for ME?" One question has God at the center, such as yours does, but really the inner man is seeking a self-serving answer that makes sure THEY get what THEY want.
Think about that for a moment... in your heart, is this really what you are worried about? That you will marry someone who will not make you personally happy? Marrriage is a good place to die... to self. As Christians, we are to die to self every day ... (so let the games begin!)
Let me ask you a question. If you had not had sex with her, would you be asking this question right now? Would you be looking for an out, or would you still be attracted to her and wanting to swim the widest river and climb the highest mountain to be with her? Truth is, as great as sex is, it is still at the end of the day, only sex, and you will always be wanting more... but you find it together, not by running to another and seeing if they are the magical 'one for me'.
I am challenging your thinking because you are running off a false premise. I am not ready to draw this to a conclusion yet....
I will also say that while it is and can be fine for her to say she is sure you are God's will for her, in the end, that is her faith and not yours. If she is right, then by your pursuit of the Lord, you will find Him leading you to her. You can have the right person at the 'wrong' time, but I would much rather hold onto the right person and work through the timing, than lose the right person (because although there are others who are right for you, you may not be wise enough to find them, or they may not love you when you do find them).
Son, you have taken a big responsibility on your hands when you had sex with her. If she is willing to marry, what in scripture do you find that tells you to walk away from her and leave her defiled goods for another man down the road? In the end, if you lay down your life for her, as Christ gave himself for the church, do you not think the Lord will bless your union?
Are you questioning it because in the natural it looks frightening?
Please answer and we'll see if we can sort it through. Talk to me. If you disagree with what I am saying on any point, challenge it and put your thoughts together... you may actually have valid concerns, but it will take a little back and forth to flush it out, I think...
"Lord, help Jacob to be the man of God you have called him to be. Let him honor you in how he treats this young lady. It takes two to have sex, but as the guy, he is the responsible one. Show him where his responsibility begins and where it ends and help him to walk in integrity before you Lord. In Jesus' name, amen."
Your elder brother and father in the Lord,
Timothy
I wrote this blog a while back, but feel it should go here
Lately all I see & hear from Kids, TV, & Professed Christians, that we are all gay and that Love should be accepted no matter if its man with man or woman with woman. I just want to clarify what I understand God to say about this subject. I know in Genesis that God could not find a mate for Adam and that Adam was both Male & female So god caused Adam to go into a deep sleep And Took thE woman out of Adam.
He said of the woman She is bone of my bone & flesh of my Flesh. I understand that it was not another man taken out of Adam. It was the Woman. And God called her his Help meet. What an honor that was. For he calls his Holy Spirit our helper. So from the beginning god made the 1 into 2 & then united them With his just being With them.
I remember how Sodom & gamora and how the men of that City lusted after the 2 Angels. Also in the Epistle to the Romans. It clearly Speaks of how homosexuals Don't worship God, that they truely worship their own bodies. And the way they feel. Do they know God? I wonder, because the lord is Good & his Mercy endures Forever. But He is Coming back and bringing justice. I hear children 7& 8 years of age asking if their bisexual or Gay. Now & then I hear 1 say they are straight. Why is this issue being pushed so hard right now? I hear of kids killing other kids. Is it because they are being taught that they come from animals & then everyone is shocked that they act like animals?
Teens are in Such a hurry to have sex & dream of marriage. Why are they playing Adult games & then when one gets pregnant or gets An STD they try to hide or get rid of a child to keep the adults from knowing that they made a mistake. God is Love. And if you walk in him you will be blessed. He is not the enemy, he is A Loving father. He Loves us enough to Change our hearts & our minds. Sex is not Evil or dirty, but if you wait on the Lord he will bless your marriage. Now what I have written may offend everyone. But I have read about these subjects in the Bible & people excuse their actions by saying oh there are just a few sentencs on these Subjects but it is in the Bible for a good reason. & gods way hasn't always been popular but I would much rather stand with God, than fight against him.
I have not been perfect, but all have sinned & come short of the glory of God. So if you Do Sin, run quickly to him & as for his forgiveness. I pray that these people will turn from their own lust & pleasures & let god handle their desires. Just because you may feel something doesn't mean that you should do it. I have had dreams that these people have bible after bible & they are taking scissors & cutting out what they don't like or want to hear. Oh what a stubborn spirit they all have. May god in all his mercy remove the evil imaginations from your hearts & minds. In the name of Christ Jesus I pray Amen!
Girlfriend wants sex
Hello im 19 and my girlfriend is 22. we have been together for 7 months now, she has been with men before and i have been with a girl before her. we are working in the church ministry, im in the music ministry and we both are preaching to the youth on our weekly meetings, we preach but we are not the youth pastors yet. its been like 4 months since we started feasting every week so GOD can make us virgins again so we dont have flashbacks or anything that can get in the way of our relationship. GOD was really working with us and we started hearing HIS voice and feeling HIS hand working with us. But last week we had sex, we didnt se it coming and we didnt plan it. I just want her to be cleaned from her past relationships, and GOD was doing that. But now she wants to be with me again. I hope that GOD can clean us again and be has white as snow. but if she still wants to have sex with me i dont know if GOD can heal us. i also want to be with her again but i prefer being completely healed. I think that if we both ask for GODs forgiveness he will forgive and heal us. but she doesnt want to
encouragement
Hi Honey-
It is what it is. Just seek ye first the kingdom of heaven. Keep looking up and have faith. If she was ment to be with you then she will wait. Ask Jesus to help you and show if she is the one your ment to be with. If is so she will wait and you will have the strength. Jesus is the strength. Be Blessed as always!!!!
MG
First,you shouldn't be teaching or preaching anything,until you have grown up in the Lord and live right yourself before you can tell someone else how to. 2nd As far as God is concerned being you already have been involved with your partner ,you are already married.(biblicly) papers is mans way of saying your married. 3rd The only cleaning you will find will be in an alter searcing for salvation,santification and then filled with the Spirit. your choices to sin are in your own power .
MG2
The facts are we are on the verge of seeing the greatest event since the virgin birth,the rapture ,there is no time to take chances that could destroy you,her,and others, get down to business with God,I pray you do,Hell is 96000 degrees,plus. fix it
This is a great time to find
This is a great time to find out what kind of person she will be, should you become married. You have to let her know that the Lord is your God, and He has strictly commanded no intimacy before marriage. If she is to marry you one day, she needs to respect that you are the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church. If she does not respect your authority in this matter, when you are clearly aligned with God and His Word on the subject, then you have to let her go. There are a thousand men who would love to honor her physical request, but if she desires are truly spiritual husband, she needs to honor your spiritual request.
Take responsibility for the whole thing between her and you and ask her forgiveness. Promise her you will not dishonor her like that again. The marriage bed is undefiled... the unmarried bed IS defiled. You defiled your sister and now your testimony and ministry are in jeopardy. Do not relent on this. Stand fast.... I think she will come around sooner rather than later, but you need to set a date for marriage ASAP.
Confusing my Homes
I am 18 years old and about 6 months ago i left home to be with my boyfriend in Germany. We have been together 2 years and he is the love of my life. we are both young but have expeirenced more than even most adults. I grew up with a very depresses unhappy mother who took out her anger on life on me and my sister since we ruined her life. My mom never left our family but I think it would have been better for all of us if she had. My father raised me and my sister and recently just passed away. Despite everything i grew up with a strong faith Jesus is my lord and savior and my heart yearns to be like him but like all Christians i fall short of the glory of God.
Moving to Germany was a big step for me however I am extremely happy here with my boyfriend. Yet, we have sex which i know is a sin. However, different cultures are colliding while sex in America where I am from is frowned upon in the Christian faith it is exepted here in the church as long as you love that person.
We both have had one other partner before each other.. i really just dont know what to do when i just heard a sermon from my church at home about giving up everything for the kingdom of God I want to stop having sex but then my boyfriend thinks something is wrong because he was raised believing it wasnt wrong and then im just using it as an excuse no matter how many times i try to talk to him about it..
At the same time i love the feeling we get from sharing so much intimacy with eachother...
PLEASE HELP WITH WHAT I SHOULD SAY
reply to confusing my Homes
I don't know what church you go to over in Germany but you are fornicating. I believe that you need to find a Job, find a new. Place to live and Move out. I know that you know that you are doing wrong, yet you are trying to find an answer that excuses this behavior. The Lord is already showing you that you are unequally yoked. For your Boyfriend thinks that you are using your beliefs as an excuse to not have sex with him. He is infact a bully. He is just a Boy & by no means a friend. If he was a man of God or a true believer than he would have found you a place to live seperate from him and he would take time to get to know you. I understand the way you feel, but you should never let your feelings rule your life. It is similar to allowing your anger to rule your life without the benefit of clear thought or wisdom. I think you have made a choice that feels good to you but satans tempts us by using these feelings against us. I want you to know that I'm not condeming you. I just really want you to look At your situation and call on the name of the Lord to help you. This situation isn't Love. It is Lust. And a Trap. Seek a church with true believers & run to the Lord because without his blessing this relationship will not work.
I am not living with him.. I
I am not living with him.. I am going to school here and have a job, I agree with you 100% that it is wrong, and I know he will understand but I dont know how to talk to him about this when everyone here was brought up as it being okay, i guess i am just really struggling with the cultural changes...
I've been married for a
I've been married for a little over 5 years now, but the experience has been a trial to say the least. I've been contemplating divorce, but I don't want to do it knowing it is a sin.
Maybe it's best if I start at the beginning...
I had only dated 3 people before I met my husband at work. We were friends quickly, and started dating about a 2 weeks after we met (although I was on vacation for one of those weeks). One of the first times we went somewhere together was when I invited him to my church. He said okay and I later told him how I just felt whole again after finding my church, and how much I loved it. He told me basically the same thing, and I never questioned it or spoke more of church and spirituality again (I was still really new, and was kinda embarrassed to speak about religion, worried I'd offend, I was also still kinda just going through the motions at that point, and hadn't really made myself a strong relationship with God) I got a promise ring 2 weeks after we started dating, and we were engaged 3 months after.
At about the 4-5 month mark, the relationship started to have problems. We had more arguments over dumb things, and realistically, it was just cooling down, and would have been about the time most relationships end. However, I pretty much ignored it, and kept planning for the wedding. When he got a new job and left the place we met, things really got bad, and I actually had asked him to leave (we were living together, but no sex until after marriage) a number of times, including once when we had a big argument before we were supposed to meet with the people at the location we were going to get married.
Looking back, it seems that the only thing we really had in common was where we worked, and our professions. Most of the stuff I said I liked, he said he liked too, but I don't think he was being honest, I think he was just trying to be liked or accepted.
When we did our premarital counseling with our pastor, we actually stopped going for about a month, and told our pastor we were working, but really, our relationship was really struggling. We went back though, and completed it. During our premarital counseling with our pastor, we were told about how the husband leads his family, and the wife submits to her husband as the husband submits to God. Our pastor encouraged him to pray and do Bible study with me, he said we would when we got married.
About three months before the wedding, there was a huge fight over family issues, and he threatened to punch me in the face. I went to the church and told my pastor everything that had just happened, but not any of the other stuff. We prayed that if this marriage was not supposed to happen, that God would show us and make it known.
This continued until the wedding, and then within a few days after the wedding, i was already unhappy with what I did and wanted an annulment. We had a big fight before the honeymoon and I even said I didn't want to go.
Afterwards, I kept telling myself that it would get better when we got a house. The he spent a week at his parents about 1 month after we got married. I told myself it would get better when we got a puppy, kind of like having a baby and caring for it together. About 2 months after, he spent several night in his car, not wanting to go back to his parents. I kept making excuses for why things weren't working out, but at that time had not turned to prayer much yet, and he had never suggested it either. During this time, things kept getting more physical. To be honest, he would do some action that put me on the defense, and I was always the first to hit, thinking I needed to defend myself, and then it was both of us hitting, scratching each other. He also threw and kicked things, and broke several other things. We both began to name call and use profanity, and never went to our pastor or even just prayed together about it.
Since then, the list has greatly multiplied. I try so hard to not lie or hide things, but it's almost continuous with him, from small things like lying about feeding the cat and then hiding the can of food, to big things, like keeping a secret account for himself and funneling money from our account into it every month. He still lies constantly, and even when he's not, I have lost my trust in him. When we tried to get help from our pastor, he again said that my husband needs to lead his family in prayer and Bible study, but he still never has. I've told him I wanted to go to the Weekend to Remember several times, and we never have, though there are free spots through our church. When I tried to get him to lead prayer at night, it lasted a few months.
Now, 5 years later, we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and haven't for about 10 months. Spiritually, he's the same as when we met. When I bought us both Bibles for Christmas one year, he never tried to initiate reading together, and when I've brought it up, he says he doesn't have time. Even though I have served in many capacities at our home church, he only has once. When I do serve on Sunday's, I'll listen to one service and serve during the other, and he just goes to the car and sits, playing on his computer, he won't even fellowship with others inside. Looking back, even though my pastor had told us to not marry an unbeliever, I didn't take it to heart, and never really questioned him on his faith, and looking back, I'm not sure if it ever existed now.
From the time we first got engaged to the current time, it seems almost nothing has gone right. I know marriages are work, and that it's not an easy road, but this has gotten ridiculous. There isn't even much time now when we laugh or smile with each other, most of our time together is spent arguing.
The reason I didn't call off the wedding was pride, I'll completely admit that. I, at least, got married for the wrong reason: not wanting to admit we moved too fast, not wanting to admit I had more or less failed in the relationship, wanting to prove I could get married at the same age my older sister did but not have the same problems. I kept going forward even though warning signs were popping up all over.
I wasn't able to hear His voice (now I can and am amazed every day how much I am spoken to).
I've been praying every night for help on what to do, and if to help me make the marriage work, to help him lead his family, to help his relationship with God grow, but it doesn't seem anything has happened. One night however, while praying I began thinking about what if this marriage wasn't supposed to happen, if I just ignored the warnings and did my own thing, is this marriage still supposed to last? I know what God brings together, let no man divide, but what if God didn't bring this one together? Like I said at the beginning, lots of relationships end, not every one is supposed to last. I had only dated 3 people before I met my husband, and I feel like I jumped too quickly, and didn't test the water. We had not spoken much about future plans, or even likes and dislikes, and not much matches up at this point. I'm not sure what to do. At the time I met him, I didn't even know myself well enough to know what I wanted or needed for life. Now I know how important my relationship with God is, and how I really need someone to help me build that relationship and someone who has a strong one themselves. What does the Bible say about when a non-believer marries a believer?
I know I have done wrong in so many things regarding my marriage, and that's why this is the first time I've ever told it to anyone else besides my husband, please, I don't need to be criticized. I just need some real guidance. Marriage counselors don't address spirituality, and that's what I really need. I'm just not sure what to do here.
reply to Missyo
I believe the step you just took to get help is a very important one. I belive you should seek Godly counsel. I am divorced & I am NOT a great believer in It. If you are married & God is part of your married life than You should both spend time living wih God & talking with him You should remember that you are both fallable and openess is very important I really belive that you need to get right With God. And he will give you Joy that surpasses All understanding. Don't argue but just keep your Joy. If. Your Husband sees that you are shining in your Love of god. He Will be drawn to you & after sometime you may both communicate more calmly and openly. But. Let your light shine. So even if he Leaves you; you will not be alone because you still have God. Also there are times & places to pick your battles. So choose your battles wisely. Two serious problems. (1) Communications. & (2) Violence is not acceptable. No matter who says what. I taught my daughters that if he hIts you than you owe it to yourself & your future children to Leave him. It took God 400 Years to rescue. Israel but he did do It. In the end. I know he talks.about what love is. Many people will treat marriage as if they are filled with throw away people. But that isn't how God made us. (3) the Lies need to stop. But these issues are all ones that can be worked on & improved upon. But once he starts seeing God in you he will eIther want what you have or be angry that you are happy. The first means that he wants you and god in his life. The second will mean that he has no intention on working on your marriage or. A relationship with God. But you must be honest and you must give him time to see his responces mAybe 3 months. But if he wants out then I would suggest that you don't cast your pearls before swine. You will be in my prayers. & may the Lord Bless you for your bravery in seeking help.
Communication in marriage
Hi, thanks for being so transparent. Its a first step to getting better.
The first thing to do is humble yourself before God. You may have already begun this. You need to confess these things to God and ask forgiveness.
Next you need to forgive your husband from your heart for all the ways he has let you down. You then need to think of how maybe you have not acted as a Christian and go to him and apologize and ask forgiveness.
Even if he is still totally cold at that point, you need to start working on communicating better. Start by always saying Good Morning, Good Night and things like that.
Try to find things you can be thankful for in what your husband does and mention those things.
You should not go for a divorce even though you may have missed God in marrying this man.
You should not divorce unless he is sexually unfaithful and doesn't want to change that.
There are good books on marriage, not all are written by Christians. A good one is "Fight less, love more" by Laurie Puhn. I don't know if she is a Christian but she certainly has strong values and gives very wise advice in her book. You can work towards better outcomes starting today.
Apart from that you should know that God is willing to really be your friend. He will guide you how to live pleasing to Him and you will be able to enjoy His presence and companionship in spite of all that is imperfect in your life.
communication
I agree with Michael. On that. I've been married for nine years and although our stories are different, they are also very similar in other ways. There has to be a lot of forgiveness and patience. And that old saying that says "I can forgive,but I wont forget" will never cut it. I know because im in that spot myself. I hear about every negative thing that I've done wrong the past nine years. We are both working on it, me more than my spouse most of the time. But unless Jesus is the top priority, neither of us will be able to let go and let God so to speak. There has to be communication, forgiveness and prayer between you. Something im working on myself. Blessings to you.
Thanks to both of you for
Thanks to both of you for responding. I have asked God for forgiveness every night for the things I've done wrong, but my husband is another story. There's really not been any true forgiveness with us, because things always get brought back up. I already have a hard time forgiving people when they either don't believe they were wrong, or don't act like they are apologetic, it's hard for me, and it's especially hard when someone keeps doing what I am have forgiven them for, such as lying. Loosing that trust hit me hard, and without it, I can't say I truly believe he isn't cheating on me, which hurts more. I've dealt with this forgiveness problem since childhood, when I wondered why should I forgive and put my heart out there for someone to just hurt again, it's hard to overcome that.
I know I haven't been a great Christian for a lot of the marriage, but I have really been trying hard this past year, trying to fix what's been done, praying for guidance and strength and the ability to hold my tongue when I need to. But often times I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, like when my husband complains when I don't cook, and then when I do, he doesn't eat it, or when I ask for his help around the house and he complains, but then if i don't ask him to do anything or say nothing needs to be done, he complains he has nothing to do.
I know saying good morning and good night etc are easy for a lot of people, but we are both in the medical field, and I'm in school, and more often than not, one gets up before the other is awake, or comes home late. His jobs also are difficult for phone communication or text messages (I should add that even though I said most of our time together is spent arguing, most of our lives we really don't see each other due to work schedules).
But aside from the work schedules and phone issues, it's hard for me a lot of the time to want to be nice because I feel so hurt by him and his actions. He uses my achievements against me, like saying I know everything because I have this degree, or I can read minds because I majored in psychology. He's been mocking my attempt to be a better Christian by saying things like "you're perfect, little miss Christian girl". He doesn't seem to care about my feelings or fears, for example, he constantly drives 70-75mph even when he knew from the start of our relationship that I was in a bad accident at that speed and have a fear of it now, or recently on vacation when the road we were driving on had a steep drop off and I was crying (I couldn't stop it, fear had just overcome me despite my prayers) and he didn't even slow or hold my hand. The worst hurt of all was last year when I was honestly feeling suicidal due to a lot of family drama, not him, and no matter how much I told him how I felt, he just blew it off. Even after I ended up in the ER one night because I felt so unsafe with myself, he still didn't even show me the most basic and easy signs of caring, like a hug or even holding my hand. And it really hurts when i have friends who are more concerned by my own husband. That time I really felt like he didn't care if I lived or died, or even that he wanted me to die.
I know there are great books out there, I've read some. My favorite so far was the 5 love languages, which was so great, that I asked my husband to read it just a few months after we got married, hoping it would maybe help him understand how I feel loved. He told me he read it and that he would work on what it said, but just this year, he told me he never read it. When I got him the men's version of it, he again said he read it but later it again come out that he didn't.
I don't know if it's every woman, or some more than others, or if I'm just the extreme, but it's hard for me to give when I don't feel like I'm loved, or even cared for as a friend would. Each time I do try, he either uses it against me, ie good little Christian girl, or just doesn't return it. I know generally I'm not supposed to give just to get something in return, but isn't that part of what a marriage is supposed to be? Or am I just supposed to give forever without getting?
I don't have a supportive family. Mine is very broken, and my mom has already blames anything my husband does on me. I don't have any close friends anymore after I left the LDS church, and I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff, or just cry to, so I don't know how I can just give repeatedly without feeling loved in return. I'm an extremely sensitive person, and even slight comments can hurt me deeply.
I know a lot of this sounds like I'm just bashing him, but I'm being as honest as I can. I know I am not great, and honestly sometimes I don't want to be nice at all to him. I'm trying to get help and advice in a way I feel is safe.
reply #2 to missyo
I left the LDS religion too. But I had many hang ups after that that I didn't hand over to God until Later. The Marriage issue could be a product of the mormom upbringing. I know that I Jumped into my marriage and I Paid for my foolish ways. My Children also paid and in some way they still are. I believe that they push the married in the temple thing so hard that many think marriage is the only thing they need to do to make it to heaven. Many young girls jump right into it without thinking. Also. Belittling you is abuse. He will treat your children the same way. & that will be a nightmare for all of you. You need to smile when he calls you a good little Christian girl. Be proud of your belief in Jesus Christ. Its very important. As far as family being supportive. You are A child of the Most High God. A princess bought by the blood of the lamb. & you have a family that is world wide. We are here to listen & give good councel but Jesus is a wonderfull Councelor. I will tell you to pray to god & open the ears to your heart and listen to him. If he says to stay & work on your marRiage with Jesus as the main focus than you should stay. But if he says to let him go, than let him go. I had a very similar issue with my ex husband and he wanted a divorce but I didn't and I prayed to God about it. A calm came oveR me & said "let him go". So I did let him go but he changed his mind & wanted to work it out. So I stayed. I really wish that I would have realized That God meant for me to let him go No matter what. I just thought that he meant for me to let him go & when he changed his mind I thought God had softened his heart. We did have a good marriage for a short while but things Got worse later on. So I can only advise you to seek God first in all things & chose to have his Joy No matter what you go through. Even if you get mad at God he will forgive you. He knows your Heart better than you do. Trust him And lean not on your own understanding. I will continue to pray for you and may Christ Jesus be with you! Amen
missi
hi , I will try to give you a few thoughts,maybe it will help,1st if your husband believes in God,then try discussing current events connected to prophesy, the time is near even at the door for the 7 year tribulation. that by itself should get both focused on more serious matters,and less interest in hurting each other. if not a believer just turn him over to Jesus and back up and let those 2 wrestle for awhile.you might be surprised. place a small bible under his side of the bed ,this may sound silly but by using acts of faith is a way to show Jesus you believe he is able to fix it.the cares of life sometimes seperate us from each other,
i
amen""!
I agree with that!. The time is way too short
reply to Looking for Hope2011.
I do agree that time is Short & for some today is the end of the world. So many may have Gone to the grave Not knowing Jesus & that just breaks my heart. I just can't imagine how the lord feels. Other than the verse that says Jesus wept. It is painful just thinking of what he endured for me. I just would have never servived without him.
forgiveness
My marriage battles continue this very day. But I continue to show kindness and forgiveness. I trust in Jesus. But guess what? I still cry myself to sleep. I still feel alone and cast off at times. But Jesus is always there whether I feel Him or not. His Hope is all that keeps me alive. I truly have made a tremendous amount of mistakes. But I refuse to continue to keep getting beat down. If my wife decides to leave again with our children I still must press on. Even in the midnight hour I will still have Jesus!
forgiveness reply
Amen to that! Communication & love need to go hand in habd +Mutual respect. I still am praying for all my family in Christ. Especially for my Brother in Christ on the 28th. ;-D. God is Good!!!!!
and @looking for hope, I
and @looking for hope, I can't talk to my husband about Jesus without him getting defensive and beginning to raise his voice until i stop. This is also one of the times the good little Christian girl comes up.
totally confused
i have been with a guy for a year and half.In this relationship,i have come to love him so much and he loves me so dearly.Its just like we are a part of each others life.So we decided to get married in the future but meanwhile i have disobeyed God by fornicating and lying.Recently while attending a week programme at my church,i decided to change my ways and fully turn to christ.But the thing is that calling this relationship off can kill him.Its not possible to still be in the relationship becos we are still very young and have many years ahead b4 us like 4or5 years b4 even thnking of marriage.And i have decided not to turn my back on the ways of the lord anymore becos my obligation and purpose in life according to the word of God is to fear the lord and obey his commandments.Pls i need advice from adult christian leaders or belivers,it will b very much appreciated cos am on the line here.Tanx.
Trust God that He is wiser
You know what God wants, trust Him. God will never bless sexual sin, and for your future - and his too - you need to separate. If after a few years you believe God's calling for you is to be together, then great. Your boyfriend will survive this. Boys are quite resilient normally. But he needs to look to God for his strength and hope in life. Maybe tell him that. You are not responsible for any bad choices he makes, just the choices you yourself make.
Hurting heart
I am 21, but I am like a little girl. I see things so much bigger than they really are. I get happy tears easily and I get sad tears easily for the slightest hurt. I have been so blessed with an amazing family that loves G-d so much. My life has been very sheltered, in the best of ways. I have never dated and my heart has always been to save all my love for the man G-d has for me.
Two years ago, a young man left a comment on my youtube channel. It was sweet. Soon, we became the best of friends, but we had yet to meet each other. I spoke to him about Y-shua. One day, when we were talking with a webcam, he shared with me that he wanted the same joy I had. So, together, we prayed and he gave his heart to the L-rd.
Our friendship continued to grow and we had Bible studies together. I knew my dad was a great teacher of the Bible, so I connected this young man with my dad.
We became very close and spoke of our past and future dreams. Now, it's been 2 years that we continue our Bible studies and we also have so much love that has grown for each other. Still we have not met because of our distance and finances.
Just recently, after these 2 years, this young man told me a hidden secret. All this time he had said he had not kissed on the lips and made me believe he was a virgin, but he finally confessed he had been intimate with an exgirlfriend, before he came to the L-rd. When he told me this, I felt I was dying inside...I couldn't stop crying for days...for 2 reasons 1) that he had lied and 2) that he had been intimate with another girl. For the lying, how could I trust him again? For the intimicy he had, my mind and heart was and is programmed to think that he should still be with his exgirlfriend and they should be married.....of course, what can be done now? She left him and she is not a Believer.
He has asked me for forgviness for having not told me the truth. He said he was afraid I would leave him...that was hurtful to hear, too. I know he is sincere. He really is a very sweet young man. I have forgiven him. I know I love him, but it still hurts so much. I wonder if I will ever get over this hurt. If not, I feel that I am not worthy to be so much a part of his life. G-d loves us, no matter what we do. I want to be able to love the way G-d loves...but it is so difficult...
I wonder if G-d is telling me now that we are not for each other or if the Enemy is trying to destroy something that was intended to be. Please pray for me and this young man. I want G-d's will to be done in our lives.
Also, I share this with all of you to be a reminder of how important it is to save yourself for marriage. If you don't, you will not only hurt yourself, but you will bring sadness to G-d and hurt to the mate that G-d truly has for you. Even looking at inapropiate pictures is in act against G-d, yourself, and your future mate. Some believe that this is "okay" to do, but it's not. Save your eyes, your lips, your heart, your body..save yourself and you won't regret it. Cling to G-d.
Restoring trust
Hi, your story is very touching. Its true that this is a loss for you, now you have a choice. Sadly most young men have experience with sexual immorality unless indeed they were brought up in the fear of God and the presence of the Lord. From what you are saying this young man sounds very repentant and it also seems like he loves you and is afraid of losing you. If that is truly the case then with God's grace you can still have a beautiful future together. But in the end, you must be guided by the inner witness in your own heart. The spirit of man is the candle of the Lord.
Thank you
Thank you so much, Michael. I really appreciate what you wrote. It gives me food for thought and thoughts for how I should be praying. I do pray that G-d's voice would be the loudest in my heart. That is my desire. I know He won't fail me in leading my heart. He really is an awesome G-d. Again, thank you so much and may G-d bless you double the blessing you have been to me.
reply to littlered
You sadden me. You have all these ideas that are definately not biblically Based. Yes the lord is a Good God. But he is also a just God. Don't you know that Jesus is the same yesterday Today & forever. He said that he didn't come to do away with the Law, he came to Fulfill it. I know that before I knew Jesus that I didn't understand the Bible. Yet when I listened to the lord & asked him into my heart he joined me on my journey. I changed that old me died & now I'm a new creation. Now I don't think you understand what he said because you don't know him. Now the lord says that if you look upon a woman with lust you are guilty of that sin. Have you ever lied? Have you ever stolen? Have you ever taken the lords name in vain? By your own admittance you have fornicated. So what makes you think that you will have no judgement when you obviously think you know more than the God who Created the universe, the Earth the sun the moon & the stars. Isaiah says that all have sinned and fall short of. The Glory of God. Our righteousness is as filthy rags before God. He tells us to work out our own salvation with fear & trembling. I may seam simple to you but God uses the simple to confound the wise. I will pray for you & also I may have seemed harsh to you, I never meant to offend you. But God wants all man to come to know him. For he does cause rain to fall on the just & the unjust. So he is a merciful God but he is also a just God.
I was engaged in a homosexual
I was engaged in a homosexual relationship with my best friend for about two years. All it brought me was heart ache and misery, and I didnt understand then, but it was because it was un Godly. It is a part of my life that I am not proud of(this was like four years ago). About a year and a half ago, I was in a relationship that pretty much was going no where. The guy I was wth was un-Godly and somewhat of a jerk. All he wanted was to have sex, but I refused to have sex with him and left him... Luckily God illuminated me (even though I didn't see it then) [Now, I am born again and was recently baptized!! AMEN TO THAT!!!] Anyway, around the same time that I was leaving this guy I met someone else. He is a quiet guy, shy and very much devoted to God (Although I didnt know that at the time). I crushed on him like a little school girl, and while doing so, I began to learn of God, and become more interested in the promise he made for someone like me. He is a total gentleman, artistic, kind, funny, quirky, a great singer, the list goes on.... When I am around him I just beam happiness, and I feel at peace. , I feel no sexual urge or even think of it toward him, and perhaps this is the school girl in me but I can totally see myself with him always. All I want to do is be around him, talking, drawing, walking, it doesn't matter as long as I am with him. He is kind and patient with me, our demeanor is like the moon and sun, he is calm, quiet yet his presense is known, and im fiery, wild crazy and always so hyper...its almost too much. But the greatest part of it all is that this man brought me closer to God. At first I was afraid that he was the only reason I wanted to go to his church, but the closer I became to Jesus, the more I knew that wasnt it, he was just simply the messenger. I becamse part of this church home, a love and acceptance so alien to me. Unconditional love of God.
Well, I confessed myfeeling to him, he said that he liked me too, but that he wasn't ready for a relationship, both mentally and spiritually.
I answered that I understood, that I myself needed maturing, in many things, I was happy that he was so thoughtful, he wrote too that he wanted what was best for both of us. I was surprisingly happy at what he wrote to me, it was like my little ray of hope, or an answer to my prayers. I don't know.
This conversation happened nearly a year ago, I left that job and didn't really see him much, I felt like it was lost. But when I started college he goes to the same school and it's like we picked up right where we left off. We go out on "dates", to the movies, theme parks, drawing excursions, we go to church every sunday together, but we are still just friends. We have great conversations, we are getting to know each other more and more each day, it's great honeslty. The more time passes, the more in love I become, and the more I know that God sent this man to me for a reason. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to be around him and talk to him. He picks on me and I notice he likes to be around me a lot, but always be so sure to not make it too obvious. It's like everything is falling into place now that God is in my life.
I have so much that I feel selfish confessing this, I feel so wrong wanting more. I don't want sex or make out sessions, I want him to hug me, hold my hand, a kiss, a more meaningful relationship. I dont know if I should bring it up again, to see how things have progressed. He hints things, but I feel like it's not the right time yet....what do you think?
Keeping a Safe Distance
Sister, My wife and I were with a group of college age teens over the weekend and had a younger couple who was in charge of the group. Throughout the day you could see a couple 'couples' where the girl would jump on the guy and ride piggy back, or they would be embracing each other. The group leaders would sometimes say, "NO PDA's" which meant, "no public displays of affection" as a reminder. I am thinking this is also saying "private displays of affection are alright."
I told them that holding hands was not a good idea and they laughed at me and pretty much indicated that was way to rigid to expect anyone to abide by.... well, my wife and I kept ourselves until marriage and this man and his wife did not, so, who's standard worked?
Your friend probably realizes that to hug, or hold your hand, will lead to other things, and is not willing to go there until the time is right.
Feeling selfish for wanting more is not the answer either. You were made for more... just not at this time. It is reasonable to ask if he finds you physically attractive, but not to pursue physical contact to try to make him prove it. After all, even if he went all the way, you would still wonder, 'does he still find me attractive?"
Keep the boundaries you have and be thankful you have a gentleman who is not out to use you. Hugs, hands, kisses, all lead to make out sessions. Perhaps he is wise.
When you are sure the time is right, hint things. Trust the Lord to lead you in that.... I recall a woman who went to the threshingfloor at midnight!
Be pure, be blessed,
Tim
reply to Keeping a safe Distance
I just Love the way you answered this. The only other thing I could suggest is to always have plans with like minded people and don't date one on one for quite A long time. But alway always have plans to go to dinner or to go bowling, go to church. That way you can study how each other react to others & you don't get carried away. & remember not to be unevenly yoked. If they believe differently than you do it WILL MOST Definately. Make for trouble Later. Especially after you have Children. Put God first & he will place the person that is right for you in your life. Remember that God is your everything & a Spouce is a gift from him. RemEmber that a Man who believes that he is Gods gift to women isn't What you want or need. You should want a Man that remembers that a woman was Gods gift to man.
Hello Tim,Thank you for your
Hello Tim,
Thank you for your answer, it's helped. Today I was praying about it, and honestly it's llike everything and everyone says the same thing. God works on his time, and I know now to have patience, things will happen as they must!
I'll be honest, i used to hear stuff like that, about not holding hands or anything like that, and at first it sounded alien to me. Ridiculous even. Like "how can I date someone and someday marry them without every touching this person, or hugging them, or anything?" I mean not sex of course, but yeah, but the more I leanr about christian relationships and about what I want to do to honor God it makes sense. Especially now that I have been born again I want to do things the right way. As a girl I always dreamed of having an old fashioned romance, like in the old movies, but I never imagined something like this. I don't know what to call us, but I like it. I wouldn't change a thing now....
Thank you!
Fornication
Hello,
My name is Jessica. I started dating my boyfriend about a week ago. We are both devout Christians but it seems we have conflicting view on boundaries in our relationship. Things are moving along at a rapid rate. We've already declared our love for eachother and our plans for the future. We know that it's God will for us to be together. Weve also made a few mistakes so far. We haven't had sex but we have gotten a little too intimate if I must say so myself. We've kissed and he has caressed me a couple of times. I really love him and I know if things keep at the rate they are going the chances for our future our slim. I really need some advice as to how we can slow things down and what boundaries we can set in our relationship. He likes to hold me and I feel secure in his arms, though I know holding can most likely lead to other things. I have been praying about it and will continue to but when I found this website I just felt the need to express my feelings. I don't want our relationship to jeopardize my relationship with God which is why I'm doing everything I can to stop our fall. We both love God with all we have and desire to glorify Him. Please help.
Thanks for sharing this. We
Thanks for sharing this. We pray you would be strong in the Lord and not give place to the devil. In addition to what Michael has shared, may I suggest you bring this into the light of accountability? Tell your pastor, and tell your parents. They are there for your protection... unless your parents are abusive, then just tell your pastor. And then let your boyfriend know that you are keeping an open conversation with your family and church on the relationship to help it be all God intends. Perhaps have your pastor call you both in, or just see if he would have a word with your friend in private. However you do it, bring it into the light.
Dear Jessica
The Holy Spirit is clearly alerting you already to the danger of serious sin here. Do you love this boy? Do you believe you may well marry him?
THEN FIGHT THE DEVIL LIKE CRAZY NOW SO YOU CAN HAVE THE BEST POSSIBLE MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE!
I understand how it feels to be in love with someone. And to feel a strong desire. But if you let hormones take over and yield to temptation now, even if you marry later YOU WILL MISS OUT BIG TIME ON WHAT YOU COULD HAVE HAD!
Don't do it!
This thing is like lighting a fuse on a bomb. Each time you light it the wick gets a little shorter. You can snuff out the fuse. But then you light it again. It gets shorter. One day, if you continue IT WILL BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.
Do you love each other also for the kind of people you are? Does he love you for your character, or only your body and your personality? What is it that you admire in him?
If he can't control himself NOW, what makes you think he certainly will control himself once you are married - in not yielding to temptation to view pornography, or look at other women, or be unfaithful? The same demons that promote lust in your relationship TODAY will be used to destroy it later, if you give place to them. You have to deal ruthlessly with the devil.
If your parents, and your pastor also think you are suited for each other, that is a very good sign. If your desires for each other are strong, and you have prayed, and you really are putting God's Word first, then GET PROPERLY ENGAGED AND SET A WEDDING DATE.
If he or you won't do this, then you aren't serious enough even to hold hands romantically.
Tell him to back off physically. But if its for sure that God wants you to marry, then marry as soon as is reasonable, with your parent's blessing.
Its not too late to protect a fantastic marriage relationship in the future.
Please note that men when they like a girl and get close to them have strong hormones and passions that have nothing to do with respect and admiraction and everything to do with yielding to a strong passion, the thrill of making a sexual conquest or whatever.
Be one of the ELITE who save themselves for marriage. The more you save yourselves now, the MORE YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR MARRIAGE THEN, if its God's will indeed for you to marry.
God bless you.
Derive your enjoyment in life from God more, don't be spiritually empty. Do not exalt financial considerations concerning marriage and weddings and things over the wisdom of God in this matter.
if you are happy, it's ok
I have been in a relationship for the past year and we have engaged in intercourse many a time, and we've both enjoyed it. It's brought a new level of closeness to our relationship, and we have fun. I know I am not going to hell because of this. God is forgiving and great, and I know that if he sees me happy, he will be understanding.
Times were very different when the bible was written. Times have changed. There are certain things in the bible that you don't follow because they are ludicrous, so why do you choose to follow other things?
this is one for example:
Deuteronomy 25:11-12 NASB
If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.
sure, it's not okay to grab anyone's genitals in public, but is it ok to chop off someones hand? no, you would get arrested. & a divorce. This goes to show that times have changed.
if you are happy it's ok
We don't have a traditional God's word bible and a contemporary God's word bible. We don not have a bible has 3000 edition on it. God's words can not be omitted or added through people's feelings. They are all facts and truth. Please do not say Times were very different when the bible was written. Time doesn't change God's words. Time doesn't change God's Designs. He was yesterday, He is today and He is the future. You said these is to just make yourself feel less guilty but you are afraid to admit you are not doing something very right. After all, it's between you and God and he will judge. Maybe you need to think about what to say to defend yourself when you see him to see whether you can win. There is a dilemma between thoughts and facts.
Re: Eat Drink and be Merry
Hi Littlered92
When you say
"if you are happy, it's ok"
That is New Age Philosophy, thinking.
Seems kind of strange for a person to come to a site, where they do not appear to possess the same values as those on the site.
You say
"People with their minds devoted to God"
Therefore, are you a Christian?
When you say you think God is forgiving, understanding you are only fooling yourself.
Sounds more like you are taking advantage of His being forgiving, and understanding, but with that kind of thinking there is no place for repentance.
Rom 6:1,2
1) What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?
2) God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?
You cannot justify your actions by saying, "I know I am not going to hell because of this, because He sees me happy"
1Th 4:3
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
1Co 6:13
Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
1Co 6:18
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
Jud 1:7
Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.
You say
"Times have changed. There are certain things in the bible that you don't follow because they are ludicrous"
Is that your justification for sin?
Are you Saved, Born Again?
You can't go back to the old Testament to make your point, since Jesus Christ came, 2000yrs ago, we are no longer under the Law, but a New Covenant with God.
Gal 3:24
Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.
Be Blessed
JIM
How do you KNOW that littlered?
You say you KNOW that you are not going to hell because of your fornications. You say, "God is forgiving and great, and I know that if he sees me happy, he will be understanding".
How do you KNOW that your understanding of God is correct, and not false?
You say God is forgiving. Do you think that in your case He has something to forgive, or nothing really to forgive at all?
You attack the Bible's relevance. Well, the Law of Moses is not the law of our society today. Its civil punishments do not apply, because God is not setting the civil laws in modern society. But even if the Law of Moses' civil provisions do not apply to us now, for reasons too long to go into, it in no way undermines the authority and truthfulness of the Bible.
I really hope you will come to FEAR God. Because one day, you will find out the God YOU BELIEVE IN only exists in your imagination. The REAL God, the One who works in history and in lives today, requires that you turn away from evil and selfish sexual behavior and submit to His will for your life.
Please read Matthew chapters 5 to 7, Jesus' teaching on the mount. If you fail to hear and obey this, Jesus Himself teaches that you will surely PERISH.
also...
Just on a side note, your facts about fornication are incorrect. Which is interesting, because I looked at your page, and education and psychology were two of your interests. Seems weird that you'd be relaying false information.
1. If the relationship breaks up (and it usually does) someone is going to be badly hurt.
yes, very true. But even without sex in the equation, you'd be badly hurt. Probably less hurt, yes, but still hurt. Also, what if you're married and the other person decides to divorce you? Completely not your fault, yet you had sex with them and you're definitely more hurt than you ever could be.
2.Later, when you marry your life partner, you will have flashbacks to the old relationship/s which will rob you of some of the joy of marriage, leaving you unsatisfied.
This may be true in some cases, but not all cases. I find that I have learned from past relationships, even the negative ones, and they have helped me appreciate the amazing relationship I have now. Yes I have memories, but I can respect that they are in the past.
3.You can get sexually transmitted diseases through fornication. You might even die.
This one is the most off-putting, yet very very wrong. If you wear protection, the chances of you getting an infection are slim. Also, that's why you get your partner tested before engaging in any sexual acts. Just because you are married, does not mean you are free of sexual disease. What if you never think to get your partner tested before you are to be married, and he has herpes, which he could have even gotten from sharing a drink with someone with a coldsore.
So why don't you add the information and suggestion to always get tested?
Also, the chances of perishing from an infection are slim, unless you get syphillis untreated after years and years or HIV/AIDS. Yes these are terrible circumstances but slim ones. Not all infections will kill you. That whole section is just propaganda.
I cannot believe you...
you are teaching your children and families to live in fear...how does that make you feel? Protected? How do you know anymore than I do? I've read the bible, I grew up going to church.
By the way, this is the most horrific thing I've ever seen someone who calls themselves a christian write:
"I really hope you will come to FEAR God. Because one day, you will find out the God YOU BELIEVE IN only exists in your imagination. The REAL God, the One who works in history and in lives today, requires that you turn away from evil and selfish sexual behavior and submit to His will for your life."
The God I have learned to believe in died for my sins. The God I learned to believe in was all loving, understanding, forgiving, and accepting. He knows we were not made perfect, due to Adam AND Eve, and that there will be bumps along the road until our last day on earth finally reaches us.
Surely because I choose to make love with the person that I truly love does not mean that I will share a fate with someone who molests children or murders someone. How is it evil and selfish if we are going to spend the rest of our lives with each other? How can you call the same act that will one day bless me with a child Evil and selfish?
I know that everyone on this planet can have a minor difference in their expectation of god, yet he is still there, forgiving and ready to embrace us. It is absolutely impossible to follow everything the bible says, so as a good christian, just try your best, and God will see that.
THE BIBLE TEACHES US TO LIVE IN FEAR OF GOD
I'm glad you've read the Bible, please let me remind you of what Jesus and the apostles taught:
Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
- Jesus Christ, Matthew 10:28
And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
- Jesus Christ, Matthew 18:9
And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,
- Jesus Christ, Mark 9:47
As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15 But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”[a]
17 Since you call on a Father who judges each person’s work impartially, live out your time as foreigners here in reverent fear.
- The Apostle Peter, 1 Peter 1
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will notinherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor[a]effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10 nor thieves, nor thecovetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, willinherit the kingdom of God.
- The Apostle Paul 1 Corinthians 6:9
Jesus didn't die on the cross so you could serve your lusts and go to heaven when you die. If God wanted that, why would he make the laws against sin in the first place?
You can be forgiven if you REPENT and submit your life to God. Otherwise, you are a rebel against God's authority, as you do not take His commands seriously, and you will surely perish with everyone else who refuses to worship God in spirit and truth - UNLESS YOU REPENT.
You have been taught a made up distortion which is utterly unfaithful to the teaching of the Bible. Read the whole of 1 John if you want to find out who God thinks a real Christian is.
True faith is incompatible with the principle of Satan: "Do as thou wilt, this is the whole of the law".
Something else: you don't know you will marry the person you are currently sleeping with. Marriage is a covenant commitment that your partner is not willing or ready to make right now. He MIGHT decide he will dump you one day before marrying you. I hope not, but it happens ALL THE TIME. Men who follow their fleshly desires often want their freedom from the restraints of marriage, commitment and so on. Study it, look around, you don't need to know the Bible to know that is often true.
honestly, I appreciate what
honestly, I appreciate what you have to add much more than before. I respect your points of views and will not argue with them. I can see where you are coming from on many points. You follow the bible, and that is what the bible says. I know I am not a perfect christian, but I do believe in there being a higher power - jesus christ and our lord, I just choose to live my life in different ways than the bible suggests. These actions may or may not cause me to go to heaven or hell, but I know throughout my life on this earth, I am doing things that make me happy and helping others around me (I am a studying counselor).
You're right - I may not marry the current person I am sleeping with. There is always a possibility of it ending, but this is also true in marriage. I know you may not believe in divorce, but it happens. I do know that I love the man I am with very much and he treats me like a queen and he makes me happy (and vice versa). I know that we plan on getting married one day, just as couples do who do not engage in pre-marital sex. Just because we decided to do so, doesn't always mean we have a less of a chance of being together in the end.