“How many times do you have to touch rock bottom before you drown? Either pull me up or put me out.” This used to be a saying of mine as I was all too familiar with rock bottom. Most of my life was like a dark pit where I painfully clawed my way to the top, only to slide back down again. I am 33 years old today and I recently found my Saviour, Jesus Christ. He has given me such love that I’ve never felt, a peace I could have never imagined, an ecstatic joy that has flooded my whole being and a brand new life. A life where I actually feel alive and not masked by insecurities, sadness and bitterness. Jesus has saved me from eternal death. Literally.
I was raised without religion. My father was a successful man working as an electrical engineer, but on the weekends and vacation days, he would heavily binge drink. My mother did not have a job, because my father wanted her to be at his beck and call. She wasn’t a drinker, she kept it together for her kids. My mother and I were each others rock in a dysfunctional home, but I began to crumble. My father would shout out the most profane curses to her and at times verbally assault me. It was very tiring for both of us. I wasn’t able to really experience childhood. I was continually exposed to this and school was even worse of an environment. There was deep hatred amongst others. Savage beatings occurred and it wasn’t at random. I was targeted quite a bit, because I was considered to be “an ugly duckling”. I had to follow what others did in fear that I would get another black eye or more kicks to the ribcage.
In high school, the violence subsided but the drinking intensified at home. I was 14 years old when I first experimented with alcohol and drugs. I gave into peer pressure very easily, I didn’t want to be an outcast like I was in elementary school. I felt I had nobody else to turn to. My youth and innocence had disappeared quickly. I regularly skipped school and partied hard. All before I finally graduated at age 19.
I continued to descend on the downward spiral. I mixed with the wrong crowd, spent most days of the week at bars and was constantly involved in emotionally and physically destructive relationships. After my father passed away in 2002, my mother and I moved up North. I chose to create an identity for myself, something nobody could take away from me. My hair was already bleached, I wore layers of makeup, yet not enough layers of clothing. I tried so hard to please other people, I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. Piercings and tattoos were my mask behind my insecurities. Whenever something “tragic” would occur I would find false fulfilment in modifying my body. I strongly believed I would never live long enough to see the day that I would regret them. The battle with depression gave me a death wish, firmly believing that I would be in a better place if I ceased to exist. Oblivious to Hell, as New Age philosophies were planted inside my mind. I trusted there was God, but I never TRUSTED in God.
As I grew older, I wanted to settle down. The bar-hopping party lifestyle grew tiresome and most of my friends were getting married. The relationships I had were long term, but very wrong to be in. My ex-boyfriend’s intense lust for other women had been stirring up an unhealthy obsession with my appearance. I spent thousands of dollars on hair-extensions and temporary cosmetic surgery. I was never satisfied as I always felt inadequate and inferior. When my ex and I stopped all contact with each other in mid-2009, I moved to my sister’s which was about 700 miles away. I healed my broken heart and started a new life. I stopped drinking, dyed my hair back to it’s natural colour and I felt like an emotionally stable person. After being settled in my new city, my mother was having angina attacks back home. So, I made the instant decision to move back and help her out. The day I arrived back, is when I began losing that inner-peace.
The whole year seemed like a very dark one. I felt like such a failure for moving back home. I couldn’t find a job for more than 4 months, I secluded myself from friends, became completely reclusive and my depression was intensifying. Thoughts of suicide were a regular occurrence. I found a community online and began writing out my sorrows. Though not my original intentions, I met someone on there a few months later. It was a quick and fierce infatuation. Blinded by passion, I took a dangerous chance and flew over 1,500 miles to spend 3 weeks with him. Lucky for me, he was genuinely a nice guy. A couple weeks later, I felt very ill. I discovered that I was pregnant. We were both overjoyed, though distance made things complicated. We talked many hours per day and kept the relationship afloat. I picked out names for our baby and eagerly anticipated the due date. Things began to crash down hard when I went for my first ultrasound at 10 weeks. My baby no longer had a heartbeat.
After the operation, we both mutually came to the decision to end the relationship. I cried so hard wondering why God would take away my sweet little baby. I went on antidepressants and self-medicated myself again by drinking. It was the end of November 2010 when all signs of suicide were screaming out. At one point I looked up and pleaded for the Lord to take my life away. That night I drank heavily and I attempted to commit suicide. The next morning I woke up… disappointed. However, I was only disappointed in myself. What came over me? I felt a strong sense of comfort, though I have not yet seen the light.
Searching for answers, I went to look up various New Age solutions. I found a video that was not pertaining to the metaphysical (which is cleverly disguised occult practices). It was a video about Heaven. When I had seen Jesus, I began to cry uncontrollably. I voiced out, “I’m so sorry.” as I thought of the suicide attempt I made less than a month before. At that point, I no longer was interested in New Age ways “to raise one’s vibrations”. I turned to Jesus for salvation.
Now I love the Lord with all of my heart and soul. He didn’t turn His back on me, He reached out, picked me up and poured His Holy Love into my heart. He is directing me, advising me and holding my hand like the patient Father He is. Jesus washed away my sins and I am eternally grateful. I am pleased to serve the Lord, firmly adhering to my newly Christian lifestyle. You know, non-believers may say that you are missing out by eradicating sin from your life. Well, I am here to attest that my life has never felt so completely fulfilling. A real sense of existence and euphoria are only a couple perks you will receive when you turn away from all sin. I can’t name a time where I’ve felt this amazing when I wasn’t a Christian. Hallelujah! So, I conclude by saying that when all the rest of the world has let you down, Jesus will raise you up higher than you’ve ever been before. Trust in Him, give Him your life, it will be the best decision you’ve ever made.