My marriage is better. I dont check up on him like I used too. I dont think he is seeing anyone else anymore. The thought crosses my mind, but I quickly rebuke it because he is bearing actual fruit showing that he has changed.
I do still have to work 2 doors down from her though and there are times it turns my stomach to see her vehicle right there in the parking lot. She has to visit our office once a month to do business but so far she has kept her distance from me. From what I understand she sneaks in and out. The sick feeling isnt as bad as it used to be in the beginning but sometimes when I dont watch it, it still comes.
The selfish side of me is coming out though and I am having a hard time controlling that. I feel that I should have alone time with my husband in other parts of the day besides at night in bed. I feel that he should make time for me.
I feel myself being jealous of the kids. I do so much for them and do it with joy but I catch myself thinking, I do all this for my family why cant someone do SOMETHING for me? When is the last time my hair was cut? When is the last time my husband and I went on a “date”? When is the last time it was just us? YES YES YES I know I chose this I knew he had kids before I married him and I have NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS begrudged my new role as mom. I just think that I’m being overlooked sometimes.
The depressed feeling is not as heavy when I go to the house. That is a good thing!
I hope this blog will help me work out my problems and let me see for myself my gradual rise to victory. I want complete victory over these areas in my life and I want to be a strong christian. I want this more than anything at all.