my wordly flaws, dealing with seperation

I just can’t seem to let go of the past. I ask the lord for direction about letting go of a marriage that has had me estranged from my wife for 2 years. Instead of feeling like moving on my contact and feelings for my wife intensify. I will do what the lord wants me to do. I will gladly wait and pray as i have to save this marriage, but I cannot help but feel impatient after what is now going on 3 years apart. just when I think all is lost we begin communicating and sharing feelings about the challenges that we have both faced as a result of trying to “move on”. I finally told my wife (after much prayer) that I don’t want to move on. She didn’t seem fazed by that admission? Again i wait for the lord’s direction. I believe with all of my heart that he joined us together. Through an addiction to alcohol and cocaine I destroyed our home, our business and our finances. I am solely responsible for the split in the union that God created. Now I ask god for direction. I am restored to sobriety and faithfulness to the lord, but I have not been able to repair my marriage. We have never filed for divorce, I simply know that I destroyed the faith my wife had in me, and in us. She has not entered into a significant relationship with another of that i am fairly certain, and I have spent the years apart from her restoring myself to sobriety and rebuilding a foundation that is rooted in Jesus Christ. i have returned to a stable occupation and am currently enrolled full time in college. I guess the piece of life that still alludes me is the missing love of my wife. I ask the lord for direction continually, I wonder if I am not what the father has intended for my wife in this life? I twist with impatience, but My faith in reconciliation does not waiver. I ask god to come closer to my estranged wife’s heart. I was so happy to hear her recently lament that perhaps the lord has slowed her progress in life on purpose. She is not grounded in faith very deeply. I pray that that is changing, No matter what god has in store for our marriage, I pray that he enters her heart. I need more patience. I must also remind myself that in faith I should rest my worries on god and the plan he has for each of us. I cannot seem to let go of the worldly yearnings for her. Each time we talk or meet I am painfully aware that I have not moved on at all. I feel more strongly about her than I ever have. I believe that because I am completely free of any mood altering influences, and am seeking god for direction that perhaps the depth of my feelings for her have become even deeper? God will work this out in his time, I am trying to find ways to deal with waiting and yearning for the companionship of a love that may be lost.

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