In this second part of my testimony, I’ll share about my fear and insecurities. But before that I want to confess some of my weakness that I had before the LORD delivered me from it.
As I grew up I actually hated myself and hated this world too. In Sanskrit term there is a word called ‘Maya’ or translate it into English it becomes ‘illusion’. So according to Maya doctrine this Universe is an illusion caused by a deity. So I believed I was just a part of it and nothing that happened in this world was real but rather it was a game that some deity was playing for their own cause. Sometime I wondered if the world is really there or it’s just an illusion of my mind.
I want to write here that I have been spiritually conscious, call it spiritually awake since I was about 6 years. Because I was spiritually sensitive I think the spiritual world would easily take control of me and my thoughts. I was a good person at heart but something else controlled my mind. I’ll share the rest of the Spiritual battle that I fought in other notes. But here I want to say that within little pace of time I suffered with dual individuality which also lead me to identity loss. I didn’t know who I was and why I am or am I really there or may be something else was in me? I had problem of mood swings, I was emotionally unstable and inside me I was fearfully of the unknown. I would be excited and depressed within few moments. But the biggest problem was that I didn’t allow anybody to know about these problems which were eating me from within. It was a secret. When someone asked me about my unusual behavior that I sometimes had, I would just smile and lay the topic off or just reply that nothing have happened or I was thinking of something else. I didn’t want anyone to know that how I have fighting within me – my own thoughts of good and bad.
Most of the problem I had was when I studied in residential school; the problem started much earlier but it became more effectual when I had many friends between 8th to 10th Standard, there began my battle with myself. I loved my friends but because of mood swings I always ended getting angry or avoiding someone without a reason between short intervals. Like I’ll be friendly for 10 days and the other 15 days I’ll completely avoid them and I didn’t know why it was like that. They had done no wrong to me and all of sudden everything changed. For a moment darkness covered me and I do everything wrong and then I’ll spent the rest 15 days being sorry and sad myself trying to reconcile. Even I shared with some of the friends that I was not one person but two (dual individuality), because I didn’t wanted to do what I did or say what I didn’t mean but unfortunately I ended up doing it or saying it. I had the fear of hurting others but no matter what, I did it and later regretted it myself. All glory to God that He has delivered me from all my emotional problems and strong holds. He is mighty to save and He restores blessings in double-fold.
Since that time I love to be alone and be silent but during that time my thoughts were vacant (means I would sit alone and think nothing but it looked as if I was into deep thinking) and I had a blank face too without expressions. But now, praise God that my thoughts are all for the LORD and every moment I’m joyful. His glory shines on my face.
Again going back, I was a person who was very confused about myself and others too. I did not trust and believe anybody. I thought that this world is a bad-bad world. Everyone is mean here and if I share about myself they will try to manipulate me. Coming to manipulation, I’ll say that I had not been a back-bitter, a manipulator or someone who wanted to see other sad and hurted. Though I hurted some people I really didn’t wanted too but it just happened for which I later grieved. I wanted to be a friendly person but due to lack of faith in others I did not actually had friends to whom I opened up. I was emotional person so I would be happy when I saw others happy and sad when others were sad. Even when I disliked someone I would not say bad about them because I didn’t want to bring bad impression of others. So, I kept silent on the issue or agreed as the other person.
I was happy and sad, moody and emotional, loved and disliked, felt loved and unloved, angry and calm all at the same time. So you can guess how confused I was.
Something that caused me to identity loss was that, when I was very young about 4 + years my maternal uncle would often come to visit us and he would take my other three sibling and showed his love and care to them but about me he always said that I was not my parents child and someone exchanged me when I was born in the hospital because the same night when I was born a Nepali couple also delivered a baby.
When I was young my facial and physical features were also more like Nepali people (Citizen of Nepal – a country neighboring India). It really hurted and wounded my heart. My siblings and my parents made fun on this topic at times which filled my eyes with tears. May be they were just having fun but unknowingly they had put big wounds in my innocent heart and I could not forget it as years passed. Even as I grew up sometimes my elder sister refused to call me as her sister to others and that was more painful. It was once that she was just declaring it to my close friends and they came to ask me about this, it was when I was 14 years old. When my parents came to visit me in school I could not hold myself, I was completely broken and I ask my mother to clear what the problem was. She understood me and assured that it was not like that and she loved me and I was their child. May be my elder sister was doing this because of her insecurities as I was better in studies than her and teacher always compared between we sisters. But once wounded it takes time to heal and it took me many years until past one and half year i.e 2008 that I was in the healing process and now God have healed that wound and have filled me with His love. I thank Him for my family.
Say it coincidence after coincidence that I have known almost five other Nepali girls who looked exactly like me. One was when I was 8 years old that a couple mistook me as their niece, latter again in when I was 17 and studying in institute that my classmates confused me with other girl who was living in another part of the town and later that year a girl who came to study in our institute said I looked like one of her earlier classmate who lived in another town and that a Nepali too. Once it so happened that while my whole family were outing that a Nepali man came and grabbed my hand asking why I was there when I should be at home. Me and my siblings were awakened and I said that I didn’t know him but he continued to argue that I was his daughter until few minutes latter when my parents came to rescue and convinced him that I was their daughter and the man left us still confused and happy that he had seen someone like his daughter. Once or twice people in my apartment too said that they had seen me in places where actually I was not. Again two years back when I was in Delhi, one day suddenly my elder sister called me up (she was in Nagaland) to enquire where I was and I said in my office and she was confused because she had also seen a girl who was like me. So, you know all these similar girls like me were Nepali bought the fear and insecurity about my own identity.
And, here I am today set free from that fear and identity loss because the place where I found myself was in the LORD. The best word I get to describe myself is ‘Yahushua, I am Yours’ and in Him I am and that is the truth. God had removed all my weakness and I’m strengthened by His strength. I have got all the blessing I desired and the Hands of the LORD are over me. He protects me, shelters me and takes me to be in His loving Presence. He is my Redeemer, my Fortress and my Tower of Refuge where I can run too anytime I want. I am learning to love people as He does and may He bless me with a heart like Him and also may I think as He thinks. May I be like Him. Praise the LORD! Amen.