Hello to any fellow believer who reads this.
My name is Harry. I am an only child. I live in Sioux City, Iowa. I am 36 years old and have always lived here save for part of one year. I can’t remember the exact date I was saved, but I believe that it was somewhere between 9-12 yrs. of age. For the majority of the time spent from there to here, I have been a most carnal Christian. There have been brief portions of my early years spent seeking God. Although in the last 11 years (Since Nov. 1994) the God times have been growing more frequent. I was entangled in pornography addiction early on even before my pre-teen years. With the appearance of the internet not helping matters.
When I was between 17-19 I had two very brief sexual encounters with women. Both times I couldn’t perform and couldn’t get into it for one reason or another. It was awful. Nothing was consumated, but I can’t consider myself a complete virgin either (unless it be by the cleansing blood of Christ).
When I was 13 I had an extremely vivid spiritual encounter in my sleep concerning devils. One was most hideous and fearsome (most likely a facade), and the other was in the guise of an impossibly beautiful female (yes, angel of light). I fell into great love with her only to witness her being torn limb from limb in the end. Watching, when I wasn’t allowed the freedom of movement to save her. I awoke thrashing about and sobbing in my sweat soaked mess of a bed.
I was never the same.
I was devastated then. And have been so up until this day. Don’t think I am still stuck in the past, however. There has been a progression. I am adding it as a portion of my story. The devil has played a gambit with me; had set me up. He reasoned that I would become obsessed with the ‘woman’ and seek after her. Which, I did.
Around the time I was 15 or 16 or so I had one other nightly encounter. I found myself on the hard and cold floor before my bed, clutching my stomach on hands and knees. There was greenish smoke, and a crushing, unbearable pain in my intestines. There was a heavy darkness, the feeling of a most evil presence. There was the icy fear that felt like being stabbed repeatedly with frozen knives. My head cast down, I first saw huge taloned feet like some kind of standing animal. It was huge, with wet and wrinkled, oozing skin. I thought I had died and was headed for hell. I cannot describe the inhuman hatred in the things eyes. People who literally seek the devil do not realize they betray our kind (betray themselves).
It called itself Python, and proceeded to curse me and describe all it was going to do to me throughout my existence on this earth. At one point I fearfully cried out for Jesus to help me. It laughed and asked me where He was. Claimed Christ didn’t love me. When this was over, I remember climbing into my own body lying atop the bed.
After many years of seeking the daemon woman fervently (not believing it was of hell), I uncovered her voice. Over the next 5 years or more I sought ways to discern it more clearly from my own thoughts. For this reason I used certain drugs, eventually being led to the Tarot. These things served my purpose like training wheels on a bike. She told me she was Christian (knowing I wouldn’t accept her otherwise, but wanting it to be true enough as to submit to it). With the assistance of the Tarot, I learned she was created to be my ‘eve’. That we had served a number of life terms together on this earth (past-lives).
She introduced me to two other women, who had also been previous wives of mine. These had now become part of our family tribe in heaven, having all accepted Jesus as Lord. (I know that many Christians will not believe or accept this. But I’m telling you the devil can really lie big-time. And I will admit there was no fruit in me in those days other than that of death. They also perverted the truth of the Word).
Anyway, in November of ’94 God hit me with his spotlight when I was walking downtown, returning some overdue adult movies. I had been going through one of those dry spells when they were maliciously teasing me by witholding from me their presence. The purpose of this was to entice me into seeking them harder through spiritual starvation. Suddenly they appeared before the eyes of my soul, but not as I knew them. Not as I loved them. They wore their guises, but were writhing on the ground before the light of Christ. They were terrified, pleading for themselves with snivelling and cursing of Him. No matter how I shook them or slapped them or pleaded with them to drop the act…
I could no longer deny them for what they really were. Once more my heart was totally devastated. I’m telling you that things were not rosy. I was enraged and most venomous at first – then in pain and emptiness later on. I did not curse God. I knew better than that. Eventually I realized that if He hadn’t been merciful to show me – if He hadn’t really loved me enough to show me – I would have seen them all in hell.
I renounced them, and returned to God through Christ. I haven’t taken them back as before to this day. I wish I could say that I have been without rebellion since. That would not be true. There was a small window of faith in grace initally, but soon I began trying to manufacture my relationship with Him. Jumping ahead of God – somehow I came under the mind-set of ‘works’. As a result, I fell from grace and stuck myself back under the law in my own heart (unrenewed mind). I didn’t work the good deeds long though. Just came quickly into shame and condemnation. Self-resentment.
My parent’s finally divorced when I was 21 or 22. I moved into my first apartment. Continued to try to seek God for a while without much genuine faith. I was extremely miserable. You see, one of the effects of that aformentioned devastation I experience at 13 was the loss of my desire to exist. I have lived as a relative isolationist then, and even more so today. Lacking the typical desires to succeed in life, I was placed on Social Security Income at 19. I have spent nearly two decades adrift without anchor or rudder. All of my friends save two have went on their way, leaving me behind. It’s ok, I now understand that friends are for a season.
I have very little work experience. The government pays my rent. Buy my food etc.. I have never owned a car or gotten a license. I have never had a girlfriend. Never managed my own finances. I live in my fourth apartment now, and spend nearly all my time indoors with my two dear cats. I’ve had people lecture me, berate me…and have despised myself strongly. I have lived a life of panic and fear of hellfire all to no avail. I have not found neither can create the hope or motivation I require to move on. I have been severely addicted to pornography, to pot and to smoking tobacco. I spent practically one whole year or maybe two years stoned out of my mind until I finally grew sick and tired of it. I smoke it occasionally. Even twice this last month. I confess it as sin to you, and I am looking forward to the day I never touch it again. Pornography is more of an issue. I’ve spent so long having resigned myself over to these things that it’s become a terrible pattern. Can an old dog be taught new tricks? By God, yes.
I hate porn. It is so painful to get off on the devil’s perverse parade of human flesh.
Anyway, since November of 2008 I have started going to a meeting at the nearby assembly on Saturdays. I go for Christian Fellowship, although most of it is just a program. There have been good spots though. Most importantly, I have been seeking to know God personally. What brought me back to him again for the upteenth time is the goodness of His love. All the other times I sought Him I was always looking for ‘the catch’ to the gospel. Looking for the ‘fine print’ that would rule me out as a possibility for His acceptance and love. My long-time question has been this: “Am I truly saved, or have I just been given a ‘chance’ at salvation, dependent upon my faith?” I have always felt disqualified and without hope. “I’m just too wicked. Too lazy and worthless”. Perfectionism and self-resentment have been a lot of trouble for me. I don’t have trouble forgiving others, but thinking of loving and forgiving myself has made me shrudder and want to bite my fingers through.
I am seeking for these thought patterns to change. I’m seeing that faith isn’t hard, just incredibly simple as the lenses of the glasses I wear. God has told me in Matthew to believe just like a mere child. A child trusts, a child believes. A child doesn’t know enough to look for the ‘fine print’. Faith works by love. And man’s traditional religion is the devil’s tool for undermining that love. I’m not a scornful person. I don’t practise speaking bad about other ministers. I know that there’s the condemning side and the excusive side to false religion. Yet having being so sorely deceived before, and being made aware of the sheer horror of Satan’s subtle ways.. I do not want to be deceived again!
God has led me to seek Him in His Word. To believe that the Holy Spirit will teach me all things, and bring all things Christ back to my memory. Listen to ministers, but always to let God be true and every man a liar. Myself included! Most definately. I don’t want my own personal judgment on anything. I want to know His ways of understanding. But most importantly, yes, more important than anything else. I WANT TO KNOW HIM more and more. I want to love Him more than I love myself! I want to be totally unselfish! I want to see me submitting to Him and resisting sin instead of caving into it so easily.
I have been in His Word for a while now. At first I was trying to obtain His interpretation too hard using my own mental resources. It was very grinding and frustrating. It’s gotten a bit better, as I’ve asked Him to teach me how to operate properly in His oracle. You can’t just cram it into your head, it has to be spiritually discerned and alive and real and kicking in your heart! I’ve been seeing fruit, too! I’ve been taking showers now like I should whereas before I was so depressed I’d go for weeks at a time without one. I’ve been brushing the teeth, keeping up the dishes, garbage and a couple other things. Naturally there is a whole whopping lot more for me to learn. But this is as much as I can handle right now. I couldn’t do these things before. It is the power of His Word, Hallelujah!
Also, I have seen myself resisting porn. There have even been times I have started, then stopped! Once or twice there was a week or more that I didn’t submit to it! This is honestly something big compared with how it was. That’s not all. When I sin, instead of weeks of shame and guilt and resignation going by, confession and repentance is coming to me more quickly!! Lots of times within the day itself! This is because I love being with Him so much through His Word, and am believing more in His love I cannot tolerate not being with Him! Also, those healthy desires which have been long dead in me, are beginning to stir. They are in the beginning stages. His vision is slowly and gently appearing to me now, filling me with an increasing excitement. The thing is this: knowing Him and loving Him are everything. We were created to know Him. To know Him in everything that now is and will ever be. Everything – God = Nothing. Everything + God = Everything. I purpose not to want God for things either, but to want God for God. I’ve never sought God quite like this before.
I’m hoping someday that I will be able to cry.
I had some trouble last night and this morning with the sin. Unbelief. As much as I’ve learned about His Love I am just now scratching the surface. The last few days that I have been in Scripture, my stomach has been getting twisted up in a big fat knot. I’m praying to find the answer to it, though I expect it has something to do with me leaning on myself somehow instead of on Christ. It was frustrating, and so I ran. Then I sinned, probably seeking comfort or some such stupid thing. It’s not over, though. He told me to be confident that He won’t stop this work He started! The only solution I know of is to stay on course and be transformed by the renewing of my mind. Through the mercies of His Grace.
When I was still feeling defiled I found this website this morning. I read through many testimonies of my brothers and sisters in the Lord. These have been truely ministering to me this day. I feel like I’m getting the fellowship with God’s people I have long desired. About God!! It’s so hard for me to talk to others in person, especially after a church service when everyone seems so busy and ready to leave. (I don’t have a home assembly as of yet). I want to thank you all so much for opening yours hearts to me, I recieved your testimonies with my own heart and in the Lord’s heart! I love you all so much. Thank you.
Let us labor to enter into His rest. Don’t think we already know everything about: Colossians 2:2-3, Philippians 1:9-11, Matthew 28:28-30 & Ephesians 3:16-21.