I deeply desire to discover God, having only recently discovered the road to Jesus.
However, I keep facing a trial of commitment and and always fall. I read the bible for a month and praying for a month or so, then I awake with a deep seated, subconscious reluctance to come to the bible or pray. I do not know whether this is pride, rebellion, Satan, etc but it is difficult to overcome. I have to fight to overcome this relucatance and invariably fail. It almost feels like a physical barrier. It is most distressing.
I do have complex personal problems (overwhelming and delibitating depression, domestic turmoil, loneliness, etc). but I seek to find joy, spiritual strength and purpose in God in spite of personal difficulties.
I know not, whether this is related. After a while, the obstacle lifts and the cycle then repeats itself. I have prayed repeatedly for God’s assistance on this matter, generally for an end to the depression and obstacle to him or even if only to discover why this is happening so I can discover an answer, but to no avail. Whilst in the grip of rebellion sin becomes a constant companion of which I find little strength to overcome.
Could anybody illustrate a pathway to overcome this
PS. I have yet to find a regular church through previous work commitments (social care) but no longer valid. I seek to attend the New Testament Chruch of God.