In a seemingly hopeless situation, please help

This is very hard for me to write as it forces me to bare my soul. At a young age 13-14 I first experimented with drugs starting with pot and progressing to lsd, presciption pills, speed only a few years ago i ended my use of ecstasy. At the same time i started drugs i started to listening to very heavy metal (satanic) such as Deicide, Morbid Angel etc etc. I have always been an introvert and an intelligent student uptil drugs and seemingly mental illness which is somewhat important i describing what comes next. At the age of 15 after the commencement of my lsd phase i believe i sold my soul. I drew a pentagram with my own blood and said my wish: Psychic powers so that a girl i loved dearly would know how much i loved her. I feel it necessary to add i never asked to influence her love just that she knew, because i was so intrevented and unable to tell her myself as i was constantly stoned at school and very shy of her i did not have the courage.

I completely forgot about that wish very soon after as if i recall correctly i was probably stoned at the time, and evil was not new to me by that stage, drawing pentagrams on walls, writing evil lyrics on desks etc.

At the age of 16-17 I was diagnosed with schizophrenia (a self diagnosis I might add which a doctor confirmed) My life was complete hell thereafter as thats the time i believe my wish came true. This girl left the school not too long after (half way through grade 11) If by some way she did know i believe she would have completely hated me by now and needed to save herself which i completely understand.

I appear to be running out of space or something as the page keeps jumping up and down i will continue with a new post straight after this one.

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