Tonight, I have just made the greatest decision of my life.
I have been a christian most of my life. I have gone to church and done everything that I was supposed to do. Recently, my life has been falling apart. When my father died in 2007, I lost a lot of my faith. There was even one time when I became agnostic. I thought God didn’t care and I went about life in my own way. But, because I never drannk or partied, I thought I was a good kid. I know a lot of my friends who were still in the church and they were all getting pregnant/wasted/high, so I deduced that there was no real differnece if I went to church or not. I felt no real change, and was fully aware that church, or at least the church I went to, was full of ceremony. I didn’t feel close to God. People weren’t friendly. I did not feel welcomed there and would honestly feel relief when I didn’t go.
So I stopped going. I never fully abandoned the teaching of the church, because I believed they were good morally. Though I held some antagonism to the church, but when I looked at the world (no matter how I reasoned with myself) could never fully agree with what they were doing.
I thought I was being more open-minded by being accepting of other religions and life-styles, but really I was just coddling sin, and secondly I just wanted people to like me. It felt wrong.I didn’t think that way at all, not matter how much I tried to convince myself I did. I told myself that line of thinking was just the result of my supposedly ‘bigoted’ upbringing. This was good! I was being tolerant!
The devil is a liar.
Eventually, I started compromising myself in ways I could have never believed. Though I thank God that through it all I was able to maintain my sexual purity, though I had lost it mentally by chasing the pursuits of sexual gratification.
I pursued my own version of spirituality which was really idolatry. Me tryring to convince myself that I knew what was right in my life. I prayed to God sometimes (when I got in a jam) but honestly believed that there was a he either didn’t care about me, didn’t exist, or was evil.
I have tried everything. Self-help books to battle the on-going depression I had.Read articles and magazines on life hoping that it would tell me about life. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. It was like the only thing I could feel was sexual. I wanted to be gratified and I relied on that a lot to get me through the day.
That was all I felt, that or depression.
Something dramatic changed.
First I felt guilty about my behavior. I knew that I wasn’t supposed to be doing the things that I was doing.I felt disgusted with myself. I mean, I literally lived day to day for that stuff. So I stopped my viewing behaviors. It was tough at first, I slipped up here and there and I asked God to forgive me. (I started praying again). But eventually I stopped.
I had joined a community whose views I was starting to get disgusted with. I mean, it was literally anything goes for them. They were afraid to say something is wrong. The whole ‘whatever works for them’ view wasn’t cutting it for me. If something someone is doing harms themselves or others, it should be questioned. But I was right along with them in agreement, and I knew that I didn’t believe any of that stuff. I never could. It made me uncomfortable.But I was afraid, so I always took the middle ground, because I wanted people to like me. That came to an end. I have broken ties with the community, because honestly it wasn’t healthy for m;e. Celebrity obsessed, sex-crazed, apathetic are words I would use in description of that group. They had no passion for life, though there were some there who claimed to believe in God.
Not to say I was more morally right than them. I was desparately wicked. Even with all the changes I made I stills struggled in my mind. My thought were racing. Conflicting opinions here and there. I now know why God said that a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. I was searching for God. I was reading my bible, praying and struggling daily with my sinful thoughts. I mean, EVERY moment was a challenge. I thought I was losing my mind. I planned to see a therapist.
Then I remembered a link that my sister gave me to this sermon on this website called audioverse. The sermon was a series called I love me, I love me not. I listened to it, and it spoke truth to me. But amazingly I felt worse and more hopeless afterward. I knew I had past hurts in my life, but I didn’t know how I could heal from them. I sank into a deep depression, where it was literally hard for me to get out of bed every morning. I began questioning myself on everything, even my sexuality and I had NO peace. The sermon was a good one, but it did not point me to what I really needed (or I missed it). It talked about getting our self-worth from God and His word, and claiming His promises. So I read my Bible feverishly and prayed, hoping God would heal me and deliver me from the confusing fog that overtook me.
I was losing my mind. Every affliction you could have, I thought I had. Something had to be wrong with me, why wasn’t this working? I was doing the right things weren’t I? I cried out to God in fear and frustration. I couldn’t keep living like this. I was suicidal.
God was revealing to me things in my life that I hated. Sins I was ashamed of. Even as I cursed Him in frustration He stayed with me, encouraging me to continue reading my Bible and praying.
But, it wasn’t until I read a testimony on another website, that I finally got it.
It was about a man who was going through the same things I was. He was searching for God and doing all the right ‘things’. He went to church, he learned the doctrines, everything, but he still struggled with sin constantly, and so he asked of the Lord.d Lord, why can’t I oversome this. God revealed to him that he hadn’t surrendered his life to Christ. I stopped reading right there.
In all I was doing, I hadn’t asked Christ into my life! I can’t believe I did all that and Jesus was missing! I had missed that all important first step. I thought I was following him all along, but I had to be sure. I wanted to make it official that it wasn’t about me anymore, it was about him. I wanted to place Jesus in the center of my life. So I sat in my bed, my bible in my hand, and my head bowed, and I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life.
Such amazing peace washed over me, and for the first time in days, my mind is CLEAR! God is amazing! I want to build a relationship with him. I called my mother wanting to tell her, but she didn’t pick up. I texted my sister and best friend, but none of them answered. Ha! The devil tried to discourage me, but I knew the angels were rejoicing in heaven. I feel for the first time as though I found home. As I emailed my online mentor with the news(she is a christian helping me through my issues) I read it back and felt joy I never felt before. I knew the Holy Spirit wrote that meassage because it didn’t even sound like me!
I had tears in my eyes as I went back to my room, because I really feel loved and accepted by God. The promises in the Bible are mine now. The problem before was that I was claiming the promises, bt it didn’t have force behind them, I couldn’t really believe it, because I hadn’t surrendered my life to Christ. Now, the promises come alive to me. I know every word of God is true, and I know that He loves me.
It is so real. Part of me can’t believe it. And I am just tearing up because God is so good. Jesus died and took away my sins, I knew it all the time, but I never believed it in my heart. I believe it now. I am a part of the family of God! A real family, not the sham that I have now.
Please continue to pray for me. I just have to tell everybody. Thank-you and God bless!