I am nothing without God…

Hello All,

I am writing my testimonial to demonstrate my journey back to God.

I, and many others, grew up in a dysfunctional home: my mother left and my father’s priorities were not in place, meaning that he left me alone, with no protection. Being that I had no protection growing up, it left a window of opportunity for abuse from certain family members. A number of my family members were jealous of my father and tried to hurt me to get to him. They lied to me and turned me away from family members that truly cared about me. My destruction was their way of getting to him. Then I had my uncle who was a tyrant. It was a constant torture session. I tired to run away from home at the age of five. The abuse got so bad that at the age of 9 I tried to hang myself. Even at such a young age, when I look back I know now that God was with me. He gave me the strength to surpass my suicide tendencies and to live.

My family members knew that my uncle was cruel towards me, but did little about it, until it got to the point where it could not be ignored. They threw my uncle out of the house and life went on.

Despite the horrors that went on, at a young age of 13 I developed a deep love for the Lord, and tried to learn as much as I can about Jesus and his wonders.

My desire for the Lord came to a halt at 14 due to the lost of my 2 year old brother Anthony. His death was horrific, he opened the car door going 60 miles per hour. That was the most devastating event in my life.

From that point on, slowly, I was losing interest in God. I was not angry with God, or resented God for taking my brother. I know that these circumstances gave an opportunity for the devil to do its work. I withdrew myself and lived a life filled with anxiety, depression, fears, and I never realized it. No one could have pointed it out because I was a closet case. I developed a horrible habit of lying: I used to use it as a defense to protect myself, but it became a part of me. What is scary was that I thought I was fine, normal, a survivor, and a champ.

At the age of 15 I got into the Goth scene, and had a love for the darker side of life. I was so naïve and a perfect candidate to fall into drugs, the occult and sex. I was gun hoe about worshipping the devil and practicing witchcraft. I’ve purchased books on that subject, renounce and mocked the Lord. That was about as far as it went, well renouncing the Lord is far enough, but I did not practice what I’ve mentioned above, or truly believed it in my heart. The voice of reason kicked in, telling me that this was a dangerous path to take. Once again, I know now, with all my heart, it was God leading away from Satanism and witchcraft. Instead I declared myself an atheist.

The same goes for sex and drugs. I was surround by that atmosphere and being young, naive, I did not do it. Once again, it was God who gave me the strength and vision to see that was not the right path.

Growing up, I was desperately seeking love, a family but all in the wrong places. I got in touched with my mother. She fed me lies and I ran away from home to live with her in the middle of my senior year. I thought it was going to be paradise. It was hell, she turned on me and I fell into depression even more. Well, I thought I had no one and I jugged down a king size bottle of aspirin. As I was lying in bed I realized what I’ve done and tried to throw it back up, but nothing came out. As I laid in bed and felt myself dozing off, I prayed to God to not let me die, and I woke up the next day perfectly fine, health wise. You would assume that I would turn my life to the Lord at this point, which did not happen.

Long story short, I gathered enough guts to call my dad and ask him to let me move back with him. He welcomed me with open arms, and I never spoke to my mother again.

I grew out of the Goth scene, and went to college, yet I was not a Christian. This time as an agnostic: I knew there was a higher being. I was still living my life with immense anxiety, fears, depression, told lie after lie and I did not even know it, nor did anyone around me.

My life might seem like it is going great from those around me: I was beautiful, graduate from college with cum laden, obtained a great position at the Big Four at a young age, (Note: I am not bragging, far from it) but inside I was still dead.

I use to have a fascination with violence for years. I took Kenpo for a long period of time, carried knives and was always on my guard. I had a love for gory, horror and violent movies that I would watch religiously. Which were all tools of the devil, now I know that.

I removed myself from that, and stopped watching those movies, carried knives and stopped taken karate. Today, I would not be able to stomach such things I’ve mentioned above. Watching a movie with an ounce of pain inflicted on another person would bring me to tears. It is strange when I think of myself then and now, it’s a different person.

The Lord blessed me with such a great man that showed me the truth about my ways, was there for me to help me walk in the light, and truly loved me and wanted to get married and start a family, but I was so evil towards him until it destroyed the harmony between us. This felt just as apinful as my brother’s death.

I woke up one day, the fog cleared and I realized what I’ve done, and all my sins took a toll on me. For 6 months I cried everyday, every moment I could without anyone noticing. I was in tears 24/7. I have NEVER in my whole life experienced pain and suffering like this.

I spent my life always searching, and looking for the next best thing, but never realizing that God was always there to provide all I need. He made attempt after attempt to reach out to me, but I ignored him and now I realize that it just caused more pain to those around me and myself.

That suffering that I am experiencing is necessary for me to open myself to God. It was hard in the beginning, because I thought God did not want to have anything to do with me, but God does not hate me, it was his love that led me back to him.

I will admit, I am fighting a lot of hard habits, but I am not alone though. God is with me, as with all of us. I realize that I cannot live life according to my ways, but to God’s. I am nothing without him.

Thank you for reading my testimonial and God Bless you all!!!!!

Christina

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  1. Hi Christina,

    Really enjoyed reading your story. I am sure it is not over yet. The best victories are yet to come. As long as you are willing to change and put your life in God’s hands, He is willing to work in you and make you more like Jesus.

    Thanks for posting your story.

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