The Holy Spirit has prompted me to share a synopsis of my personal story so that hurting souls may know there is true healing and restoration at the Cross, where lives are changed from glory to glory! I am well aware that Satan is the dark force behind every bad decision made in life (mine and others) and his agenda is to destroy the person with heartache, or illness, as well as those experiencing the storms of life. His agenda is the same for those of whom he is master, maybe those you see as the perpetrator(s) of your pain (many times family). The Word tells us that we will have troubles in this world.
I love the cartoon that shows a school auditorium with one boy sitting alone under a sign that says
I was the oldest in a large family (stairsteps). Even though dysfunction was the order of the day when I was growing up, I never understood how bad it really was until, at the age of 38, I found I couldn’t function anymore. I wasn’t blubbering or anything, but I couldn’t do more than the basic requirements of daily living. Severe depression and panic attacks became my whole “life.” But I’m jumping a head of the story.
I ran away from home at the age of 17, right after graduation and was in the labor room delivering my first baby on my first anniversary. When my baby
was five weeks old, I rededicated my life to Christ. I had first accepted the Lord at the age of nine at church camp, but wasn’t living in an environment where I could be mentored. After 10 years of a sham marriage with a man who made very bad choices, my husband decided he didn’t want to be a family man and he abandoned us so that he could enjoy the wild side of life (another pawn in the hands of satan). I found myself among the “working poor,” struggling to make it just as a multitude of other women have in the U.S.A. With determination I forged along, many times working long hours and at other times, because of health problems, not working at all. I know the embarrassment of standing in food commodity lines, being treated like dirt at the welfare office, and seeing cashiers snub their noses at me when I hand them my food stamps. I understand the pain of losing your home and moving from place to place because there is no rent money. I know what it’s like
to feed your kids and then eat what is left
over (God always provides something), and
to wear clothes from Goodwill.
Because of my pain conditions, most times I felt too bad to care what others thought. The Lord provided every need at the “midnight hour.” Did it need to be that way? NO. That’s all I gave Him to work with. My life would have been so different if I had just understood my value in God’s eyes. When I was 37, my kids were getting into college and I was working as a Federal employee, the best job I’d ever had. I expected my life to be good at this juncture, not falling apart. When I fell into depression I lost my appetite and lost 40 pounds quickly (I needed to lose it, but not this way!) Insomnia was ruling my life and ruining my job performance. I started “closet” drinking during the midnight hours so that I could sleep a little, and soon started battling suicidal thoughts and panic attacks, as well as flashbacks that I didn’t understand. I spent many long days isolating from everyone and know what it’s like to suffer from painful loneliness. I felt like God wouldn’t waste time on a loser like me, not knowing that this belief was part of the depression. I thought, “If I could just fix myself, maybe He would help me! I found quickly that I needed professional help, which was not a favorable decision in my circle. This threw my relationships with family and church into turmoil. The prevailing thought of the times was that, as a Christian I was not supposed to be having these problems. But I was!
I wanted to have “loser” tattooed on my arm (literally), but THANK GOD I heard God saying, “NO!” I figured I was already on His bad side. Better leave well enough alone.
I didn’t know what was happening to me and feared I was losing my mind. The first psychiatrist I saw admitted me into the hospital immediately. For the next five years, there were several more hospitalizations, three of which were a result of treatment in the ER for overdoses.
This was a real “shock” for my family and church. I had been a prayer leader (performance oriented) and was really clueless about what I was going through. For whatever reason the experiences of abuse from my past, which had been hiding in a secret place, took on a life of their own and decided to emerge into my consciousness at any cost. Trying to stop it was like trying to hold a beach ball under water!
Impossible! It was exhausting. I did have some vague memories of being molested, but I put the memories on a shelf hoping they would disappear and never mentioned them to anyone.
My childhood nightmares returned, bringing along panic attacks, flashbacks, and body memories
(or sensory flashbacks). My life became one long nightmare. The flashbacks brought along dissociation (spacing out, if you will). I could not function on a job at all and all I wanted was to disappear! The mental pain was excruciating. I had no choice but to go on disability, a terrible blow to my already damaged ego.
The first five years of this depression was often life-threatening. Reasoning told me I wouldn’t survive. The Holy Spirit told me that I would. Actually, the Lord had told me six years before I dove into this depression that I was going to experience a time of “great darkness,” a word from God that I held onto through many long nights. I knew if God forewarned me, He would see me through. (The Lord forewarned the people he loved when he walked the earth, even warning Peter of his future “denial of Christ.”) God is merciful!
The local psych hospital wasn’t much more than a “safe house,” although, being a person who loves to observe human nature, I learned “tons” by observing the interaction in group therapy. All the while, my relationships with my family deteriorated and, as well, my quality of life.
God heard my desperate cries and led me to a Christian mental health clinic far from home, where real treatment took place. It was there that I received my first real “breakthrough” and saw a glimmer of hope.
I’m not saying the work done with my therapist at home wasn’t a “life line.” It was. I received great insights working with him. Being alone was intolerable for me at this point and the anguish (mental pain+fear) was severe. My long-term therapist always made himself available for me in those tough times. The difference was that my home therapist didn’t believe that God would heal psych problems supernaturally, whereas, the therapist at the Christian clinic made God a part of the head of the treatment team and he listened to the Holy Spirit as he utilized his professional skills. The result of this God-ordained Christian therapy was that my past became clearer to me and I learned that I must allow God to show me how to distinguish between the truth and the lies that satan would have me believe.
Miraculous things happened and I will be sharing some of these in my daily blogs. As I fasted and sought God, He started healing me as though He was peeling off the layers of an onion very deliberately. In my opinion, no therapy has lasting value without the Lord leading the session. In my journey to wholeness, the first sign of healing was that the nightmares stopped. Then the flashbacks stopped. Then I was delivered from suicidal urges. The Lord continued to work mightily and my faith continued to increase! I found a wonderful Spirit-filled church and soaked up all of God that I could absorb. I had depended on Christian TV to feed me for a couple of years while I was “isolating” and suffering from fibromyalgia and trigeminal nerve pain in my face. This is when I fell in love with Perry Stone, Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, Benny Hinn, James Robison, and a few others. I had church in my living room! Just me and the Holy Ghost. God loves us right where we are if we will just look to Him.
One morning in worship service at my new church, Father God moved on the pastor to lay hands on me for healing. Pastor didn’t really knowing what my problems were, but he obeyed. I felt the power of God flow through me! I had walked in on a cane, too weak to stand up for very long and in pain, but I danced back out to the car that day. God sent certain people into my life at strategic points to speak life to me on the journey and He’ll do the same for you. No matter how bad off you are, no matter how alone you are in your “hell on earth” experience, no matter how deep the pit, God is deeper still! I learned that you don’t have to receive disease as a part of who you are and you sure don’t have to accept anguish (pain+fear) into your life!
Your maker has a purpose and a plan for you just as it says in the Word.
God will hear your cry even when you are too sick in your body or your mind to pray. Whether your healing comes instantly or in a process, you’re a winner either way! I can only speak to what I’ve experienced and I know that God prepared my heart to receive healing through prayer and fasting. When I was still so sick and struggling with it all, I just fasted one meal here and there. Then as my health improved, I increased my fast time. In Matthew 17:15-21, Jesus tells the disciples that some healings only take place through prayer and fasting.
First things first. Have you repented of your sins and accepted the Lord Jesus as your Savior? If so, you have access to the promises given to the blood-washed saints. (If you have not, go back to the home page and visit the “Roman Road.”)
Then, If you feel led by God to engage in fasting and want to learn more about it, go to Http://www.kingdomconnection.org/fasting_tips.pdf . It is important to know how to do it correctly. Don’t give up hope! Always remember that you can’t go by how you “feel” psychologically or physically. You must stand on what God has said in the Word! I heard a minister on the radio say, if you can’t quote the scripture, say, “Lord, be it according to thy Word.” I have a problem memorizing scripture, so I carry index cards notated with the scriptures I’m standing on for that season in my life. Nothing is more powerful than speaking out the word of God! I have great peace and joy in my life, and walk daily with my Lord in a way I never knew was possible! Only because I wouldn’t give up seeking after Him, and I pray you’ll do the same.
IT WORKS PEOPLE!
See Dana J. McKlure’s website at www.freewebs.com/2knowhim
Email: established_n_him [email protected]