I grew up in what you would call a very “churchy” enviroment when I was young. From about age 1-7 I was taken care of, a good amount of time, by my grandparents. My mother worked very hard to make ends meet. She worked all the time. My grandparents are Christians and they always taught my sister and I to pray and go to church.
My father was abusive and after many beatings my mom finally decided to get a divorce.Though I don’t know alot of the abusive situations she experienced I’m finding out more as I get older. I was abused by my father also, sexually. I was about 4 and it went on for about a year. I believe for a few years of my life I blocked it out, not even remembering it untill about third grade. That is when my grades started dropping and I became confused. Not knowing who to turn to because I felt like I was the only one in the world that could have been through something like this I turned to silence about it.
I finally told my best friend at about the age of 15. I thought maybe she would tell my mom because I couldn’t,but because I told her not to tell anyone when I told her, she didn’t. I think it was a cry for help turning to the only person I trusted. This had me bound for years. And honestly I didn’t think that it was a “big deal”. Not knowing all the while it was shaping who I was, how I acted and who I trusted.
I moved away with my mom and stepdad, and began growing up. Trying the whole smoking cigarettes thing at the age of 10. I smoked untill I was 19. I smoked weed off and on untill about 18. Drinking became a regular thing for weekends.
About 2 1/2 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy. He was and still is a great person. I was again trying to find someone to trust and feel safe with. He was that for me for a while. I found myself putting my life in to that relationship. Every waking moment was about us. We had sex many times and everytime it occured I felt worse and worse. One day I got a phone call from my boyfriend and after about an hour of talking he told me he didn’t think he could felt the same anymore and broke up with me. I was devastated.I didn’t eat ot talk. I felt like my life was over.
Feeling like I could literally die. My best friend started talking to me about Jesus. I was always the one telling her about Jesus and felt like I knew more about Him than she did. The difference was she KNEW HIM. I just knew ABOUT Him. She had trusted her life to Jesus about about 6 months before I broke up with my boyfriend. As I felt this pull inside me to trust Him I didn’t know how. I knew that I needed something to happen or I didn’t know what I was going to do.
I finally couldn’t go on bearing all my pain and asked Jesus to help me. I asked Him into my heart. And from then on ….things got a lot better. I finally knew that I had someone that loved me and that I could trust. He amazes me more and more with how much He actually loves me and how He is healing me of past pain. I have hope now and know no matter what happens I have someone that will never leave me or forsake me. I am now in a bible study called “Breaking Free”. It is helping me to know God’s love and helping me to trust Him as my Heavenly Father. And to know that He would never do anything to hurt me. I have true direction in my life and am excited about my future.My certain future.
Thank you for reading …my life =0)
I pray it helps anyone that has been hurt to know that God cares more than you know.
In His Name,