Depression and doubt

I am a recently unemployed 32 African American Male. In October I was fired from my job as a teacher’s assistant within an institution for troubled and violent adolescents. I lost my temper on a student because he continued to publically insult me in front of my peers and other students for being assaulted by a former resident in July. It was at this point that things began to quickly go bad for me. My ex-girlfriend who at the time was my girlfriend worked at this location with me. After I had been sucker-punched by a 14 year old boy, everyone lost respect for me; including her. As the months followed I noticed everyone in power began to find reasons to magnify any errors or cleverly make up events which made me look unprofessional. In addition the children continued to harass me and treat me as if I was a child. How can a 32 year old male justify being humiliated and bullied by children on a daily bases. One day I had enough of being humiliated. After this resident had threatened to hit me by refering to the previous time I was assaulted, I pushed him in a corner and yelled profanities at him. This was all the organization needed to fire me. Bottom line they did not like me and wanted a reason for me to get fired. I graduated with a master’s degree in Human Resources in August of 2008; however I have yet to receive one job offer and only one interview. I pleaded with my employer to transfer me into another department because of my education. However every window I tried to open did not even exist at all. Now here I sit. All my bills are past due and my home will begin the foreclosure process shortly. Even if I get a good job lead, I won’t get hired because of my credit. I worked 18 hours a day to by my home and now I am going to lose it because I cannot find a job. I get angry and curse at god allot. I often think about death and if killing myself will make it easier. I continue to disappoint my family and my girlfriend is now seeing other people although she denies it. My family tells me to remain positive and faithful. How and Why!? Why would God allow me to be humiliated and punished for standing up for myself? The incident in which I was assaulted was not the first. For the past 3 years of my employment I have been bitten 6 times, my car vandalized 2 times in 3 months, and jumped by students 2 times. I could not take anymore. I’m afraid, I truly am. When I think of death as a way out, I worry. I do have faith, and I do not want to die. I want to live my life in the lord’s eye; as a good strong man who can stand up to all evil and despair because of his faith in the lord. However, reality kicks in and I see the bill collectors calling. I grow lonely at night and often think of what could have been. I need your help lord, show me what to do. I know you want me to stand still, but I’m afraid and I am angry that people have wronged me and betrayed me. If anyone can read this, please pray that the lord give me strength and blessings. I have tried everything on my own and have failed God by not to living in his image. I would just like to be happy again and at peace.
I gave a mentally impaired man all the money I had in my pocket and I bought him a wallet. He was a complete stranger. As he thanked me I quickly jumped in my car and tried to run away. As I looked in the mirror, I saw this man jumping in the air with praise and he was so happy! I began to cry like a baby because I was so happy for him. Hopefully someone who understands my struggle will do the same for me one day when something of unexpected divine blindsides me.

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