Dealing with the dark side

As I was browsing the internet, I found this site. Not sure why I ended up here but I always believe everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson to learn in each season. Perhaps by sharing my testimony here would glorify our beloved God and strengthen some of your faith. It would probably end up as a lengthy one, so please bear with me. My testimony would probably cover quite a fair bit of topics that most of you have posted in the “deliverance and spiritual warfare”. If I am too sleepy (2am now), then I would probably split it into sub-topics. It has not been an easy life for me until I accepted Christ.

I was brought up as a Tao-ist, a very pious one. I will offer the incense to the so called Gods everyday at 6am, 9am, 6pm and 9pm – I even turned myself into a vegetarian when I was 16 years old hoping I can find peace in my life (until around 20 years old).

I used to be able to see visions of human image on rocks which some of the Tao-ism followers used to pray to. Well, they have a lot of God … everything is God to them. When I was 5 years old, my grand-dad passed away. I remember I had a month of Kuan-Yin (Goddess of mercy) dream, accompanying me and calming me. Everything looks okay on the surface until I reached puberty.

There was a break-in to my house when I was 14 years old. One of the guys tried to rape me and I was really really afraid. I remember I prayed hard and told the guy,’If you were to rape me, remember of karma. You may have a daughter in the future. Have you ever thought the same fate may happen to her?” There was a sudden wind in the room (the windows were closed) and the guy suddenly stopped and asked me to get dressed. He and his buddies took my mom’s jewelries and cash then went off.

My mom asked if he raped me. I said no. In return, I was being scolded for telling the robbers where she placed the valuables instead of just allowing him to rape me. A couple of weeks later, there were rumours in town that my mom was behind the incident and people were questioning how could the mom paid someone to rape her own daughter. It was rumour and I ignored it.

When I was 16, I got to know a guy and I had no idea why I was so in love with him. I couldn’t stop thinking of him (That was my first encounter with black magic). We never really get to see each other and he would come visit me after school was I was waiting for the school bus driver to pick me up. We communicate via email, phone and letters. Whenever I refused to listen to him or please him (no sexual stuffs involved), I would have very bad headache. So painful as if my head was being poked by thousands of needles and I was so giddy as if the whole world is spinning real fast. (*I was under the love spell. The Asian believes it was the “love oil” derived from dead babies’ chin. The person would have used a doll on me, poking me and spinning it around.) I was sooo in love with the guy and I had no idea why. My dad suspected something was wrong and started asking for help. He spent a lot of money on me – so called to cure my illness. Basically, he was conned.

To cut the story and saga short, one day, when I woke up, I noticed that I no longer fall head over heels with the guy and I wondered why I liked him at the first place. I was also told that if the person does not keep casting spells on you, the spell will come to an end (so called expiry date).

During that year, my body was bloated every now and then. I had nightmares of some monks going after me and people chasing after me, wanting to kill me. The nightmares were so real that I fell sick. It happened everyday, the same dream over and over again and it was like a drama series that has episode 1,2,3 etc. Although I know I was dreaming, I can never end up until the episode comes to an end. It was the most torturous moments in my life. I was told that my mom fed me with the ashes of the dead (from Thailand) and therefore the souls were going after me. I was so afraid to go to sleep. No one ever suspected my mom was behind this until much later.

When I was 18, mom got someone to rape me and so I was raped. I did not dare to lodge a police report because I was so afraid. I cried alone every night and asked Kuan-Yin – what have I done to deserve this. My prayer was obviously never answered. I still pray faithfully.

Now that I left the town and moved to another city for college. I was staying on my own. My parents divorced. Mom just ran away leaving me, my sis and dad behind. No one bother to ask why she ran away as she has never taken care of us. I was still under all these spells … I was so blur, I can’t take control of myself.

Spirits entered my body as if it was hotel to them. I started to hear voices. I started to see images. I started to go into trance. I was basically not myself. I was superly BLUR. I went to temples after temples knelt down and prayed my heart out. Why me? Why like this? What have I done? I was told this is your karma. You must have been a murderer in your previous life. You must have raped people and did a lot of nasty things. So God is punishing you now. You may be innocent now but you are paying your previous life debts. Fair enough since we were brainwashed on this type of teachings. So I asked,’How much do I need to pay? Until when?’. I was told, when you have fully pay off. It will stop when it is time to stop. I became so depressed but I swallowed it.

One day I had a dream to look for a monk whom was the disciple of a famous Thai monk (O-Ji *means black tongue). I had no idea who this person is, never seen him before and never know how to go. I managed to tell my dad the direction and we arrived at the temple. The old monk greeted us and dad told him our sufferings. I was paralyzed the moment I reached the temple and the monks prayed really hard for me. It was like in the movies. Toward the end, the monk told us he can no longer help us and directed us to some witch doctor. And we went, after meeting him twice, the guy told us he can’t help us as the spirits are too strong and bla bla bla. So I went back and pray again and again, kept asking why me?

We have tried the Thai monks, Tao-ism monks, Islamic witch doctors, to the extend I even converted to Hinduism to give it a shot. It came to a point that I could no longer tolerate with the sufferings and decided to give up my life. I tried to suicide but was so called saved by the Hindu deities. I even went into trance at the Hindu temples and the temple folks thought I was such a holy person. It was a dramatic life for me. All I ever wanted was to be human again – be myself.

I started to question a lot of things. The voices claimed I was the daughter of the Hindu God, did some wrong stuffs in heaven and now suffering on earth and a lot of nonsense. I did not believe it and questioned even more. My claim was simple. If the deities are for real, why would they keep coming into my body? Deities come in and out, evil spirits come in and out … it was like a public toilet to all spirits. I changed the way I pray. I cried out loud … God, yes, You … the one and only one up there. Whatever deities or Gods there are, I am sure there is a leader up there. So I want to talk to you, the one that is in charged. Hear me out, I just want to be a normal person. I am not interested in all this spirits in and out coz it is tiring. I guess the Lord heard me and slowly made His way to enter my life.

I haven’t know Jesus as my saviour yet. I just prayed to “The God that is in charged – I may not know your name since there are too many but I know you are the leader” … Whatever spirits that wanted to enter my body, it became tougher entry for them. I started to feel that it was an energy force that tried to penetrate my body. So long as I am mentally strong with strong will and believe that my “God – the leader” will help me, I noticed I can actually block the spirits from entering. It was not easy but I had to literally blocked it. After some time, I noticed the energy became weaker. I was not fully recovered but things were better.

I had spirits that came to me via telepathic style warning me to watch out. By the way, it was also through such spirits I got to know mom was behind the initial encounters (I may explain more the next time). When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, mom’s spirit came to me and seduced me with temptation – If I were to pick up the black magic which they passed down from generation to generation, they will help me to win my ex-boyfriend’s heart back. I replied,’Never, I rather suffer than joining you’ (*I did not know I actually cursed myself at this point – I rather suffer and I had been suffering for many years until I learnt how to pray over it. Praise the Lord for his kindness and mercy). The spirits started to attacked me more and more. I was literally like a zombie that had no weapon to fight back.

So I called my “God – remember the leader?” – Hear me out. I do not want this type of life anymore. Either you heal me completely or you take my life away for I have not done anything harmful to anyone. How am I going to fight this bunch of devil when I do not have any weapon? It is not a fair fight. God slowly led me to him.

Dad stopped working and no longer able to fund my college fees. Also, I spent 3 years trying to obtain a degree in law but to no avail due to spiritual attacks. I remembered I wanted to commit suicide but somehow it never happened as if there was something controlling my mind, don’t do it. It was really bitter – I was one of the top student in school (high school) but was not even able to pass my first law degree paper, what more to complete a proper degree. My world collapsed coz dad had no money to fund my living or college fees. Year 1 – when I wanted to go for my exam (I remember I needed to complete 4 papers), I fainted on the road. Year 2 – attempting to sit for the exam, on the way to the exam hall, I vomited worms. Year 3 – I can’t leave my bed. It was as if someone has tied me to the bed and I can’t move. Since there is no more fund, I gave up and cried non stop. I was young and my equation was no degree = no future. Before I quit, I followed my classmates to an Emmanuel Celebration where there were open prayers. Since I did not want to offend my friend, I just went with my ex-boyfriend. During the prayer, I remember I raised my hand and suddenly I fell down. As I fell, I felt someone was holding me and helping me to lie down slowly. I also heard a voice deep inside of me crying bitterly and yearn for the Lord. It was saying “Help me Lord! Help me! Save me! What have taken you so long, Lord. Help me!”. When I woke up, my ex-boyfriend told me he was worried if I had brain damage as I fell down with a loud bang sound. That was my first encounter with the Lord. I wanted to convert there and then but my dad was against it. I was being put under the pressure how could you betray your ancestor. So, God came into my life but I ditched him type of thing.

I started to work and still had spiritual attacks every now and then. One day, a business partner asked if I would like to follow her to church. To me … huh? Church? That will be the last place I will go. But since I was free, I went with my boyfriend (my current husband). As the pastor went around and lay his hand on me, I collapsed. They took me to the healing room and prayed for me. I remember I was laughing like a mad woman and gave them real angry stare as if signaling “How dare you mess with me!” The church member did not give up and kept praying. They smelled a very stench smell as if it was a rotten corpse. That was when God started working on me. God never give up on me. He slowly made his entry into my life.

Somehow, I had a big challenge. My husband was not a believer and he hates Christian with passion but because he has witnessed what happened to me, he kept quiet. I can’t blame him because he had several bad encounters. Several church members asked if he was a believer, he said no and they started condemning him, telling him that he is going to hell and bla bla bla. I understand their intention is good but the words were not very welcoming 🙁 It took me 9 years before I finally got myself baptized last year. God put a burden in my heart that it is time. A week before my baptism, I encountered a lot of challenges but I never give up and I am proud to be God’s Child.

Over the years, I have forgiven my parents, the rapist and prayed for them. I have a bigger heart now. I have empathy over rape victims because I was one of them. I went through it alone but I am sure God was there for me although I did not know Him back then. I am now a mother of 2 beautiful sons but still working hard hoping that one day God will work on my husband too.

I no longer question why am I the unfortunate one. Instead I look at it as everything happens for a reason. Whatever was intended for evil, God has the capability to change it for good. Whatever does not break you, make you grow stronger. God is always there whether you “feel” His presence or not. Being His child means full obedience for obedience brings blessings. It is okay not to understand why God asks you to do something which you find it stupid, tough, don’t make sense. I used to question that too but over the years, God’s lesson is – do first, understand later. You will grow along the way … by going through the test. Without a test, there will be no testimony. Someone has to be willing to go through it and give glory to God on what He has done for us.

I will probably share some of my experience on “Hearing Voices” later on and how God worked on me. I hope this testimony will give you a greater faith in God and that you are special. I did not choose God, He chose me. Likewise, He has chosen you. Do not give up and keep praying for each other.

No one even mention in the bible that Christians will have easy life because our Father Lord has high standards 🙂 Be proud to be His child. I am not a Christian fanatic but I share this with my heart.

Have a blessed day ahead …

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