I spent many years hoping and praying that my husband’s attitude would change. I was tired of taking the children to church alone. We strived to live godly lives when it seemed that he didn’t care or even resented us for doing so. I began to harbor great resentment towards my husband for picking fights, punishing the children without cause and for his long-standing addiction to internet pornography.
The depth of his betrayal was confirmed when he admitted to a series of one-night stands. He pulled out the bible and told me that according to God, I couldn’t leave and that God hates divorce. I began to daydream about stepping out into the middle of the street to get hit by a car. I felt hopeless. Where was God? My urge to die was so strong, but I resisted, knowing that certainly wasn’t God’s will for me and my family.
I prayed that Jesus would fill my heart with forgiveness towards my husband and He did.
When the enemy can’t get through the front door, he’ll try the back…Over time, I started reading books like “The Shack” and “Eat, Pray and Love.” They spoke of spiritual things, but didn’t point to Jesus, the God of the bible. They were not scriptural, but humanistic-blurring the lines of good and evil, making me more accepting of ideas that the bible warns against.
I was becoming more tolerant of sin and it soon led me to a bad place. Bitterness towards my husband re-emerged. I was tired of waiting for God to do a “miracle” with my husband. Ultimately, I wanted him to hurt just as he had hurt me. I chose to be free from “man’s domination.” I read about the history of women’s liberation and lesbianism. I began to troll homosexual sites on the internet in the name of “research.” I soon found myself involved with pornography and decided to live the next phase of my life as a lesbian.
After an argument with my husband escalated, I took the children and left him. I made the decision to leave my bible behind, along with my faith in God.
Despite this, God promises that “No one can take us out of His hand.”(John 10:28) Though I cut off my hair and began looking like a boy (even attending a gay rally), I met no one. God kept me from getting physically or mentally involved with anyone else. He brought me to my senses, exposing the lies for what they were. He showed me a glimpse into the future tragedy that would result for me and my children if I were to continue trying to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. As a result, I repented, leaving all of that behind.
At the same time, God was able to work on my husband while I was away. He went to counseling and church. He suffered loneliness, heartbreak and regret. We were on our way to family court to obtain a separation agreement when God touched our hearts. We forgave each other and reconciled. God not only restored what we had, but He made it so much better!
My husband and I are now best friends leading passionate and fulfilling lives according to God’s word (in spirit and truth). I am no longer legalistic. I am supportive of my husband. I listen and follow his advice which has given him the confidence to emerge as the strong godly leader of our family that I always yearned for.
I look back upon those painful years filled with confusion…We are SO grateful that he gave us the chance and the power to repent. God’s grace is greater than sin! Each of us now knows the magnitude of what is at stake, and that God’s way isn’t easy, but it is perfect. He keeps us in perfect peace because we trust in Him. Thank you, Jesus!!!