Why Me?

I’ve always believed that God had a special purpose and place for me in this life but now I’m not so sure. I’m 44 and can rest knowing I have done all that I could to do God’s will and succeed in this life. I Guess God didn’t have bigger plans for me after all and just wanted me to do nothing to better my life. I don’t understand this part of my life. My life has been a disaster filled with betrayal, injustice, rejection, poverty and grief. I’m not sure God cares or even exists at this point. I use to believe but now I have major doubts and questions about everything and everybody. How can one overcome so much, believe so much, pray so much and accomplish so much and still come up with nothing, never get any further in life. I don’t understand this life of mine or where it all went so wrong. I don’t understand what I did to deserve God’s rejection or why He tests me with so much pain and loss in my life and to go without for so long. I have all of these skills and knowledge about things that I can give and teach others but the years tick by like minutes and nobody seems to care, not even God. Its all one big joke and I have wasted my time, money and effort in all my attempts to reinvent myself and do something with my life and be somebody of importance where I am admired and needed. Instead all of my efforts are in vain and have been stuck in rut for 20 years. I feel my mind slipping from too much idle time . Fear, doubt and anxiety haunt me from time to time. Have I lost my soul somewhere? My life doesn’t make any sense at all. Maybe my birth was a mistake and don’t have a place anywhere here or there. But then again, who really cares right? What’s it all about? What’s the use? Why even try? Oh yeah, It’s all about God and us getting beat down and struggle through life because we suck and that is what love suppose to be about about? Oh thank you God for all the pain, horror and terror of my rotten life. Thanks for making me believe that you were real and cared about me. Thanks for making me believe I had a higher purpose when in fact I never had a purpose to begin with. Thanks for creating all this crap down here for us to drown in and put all the blame on us for making us. Thanks for running out on us and making excuses to not just fix the problem. Thanks for playing favorites and leaving the rest of us to burn in hell because we don’t understand you or your ways. I guess I shouldn’t have even come here to this place. I’m misunderstood and disrespected at every turn by people far more ignorant than me. I hate this world and most of the selfish, greedy, hypocrites who live in it. Many tough questions in this world cannot be answered or solved. I’m not saying I’m right or wrong. I’m just sayin. It is what it is and just because you don’t understand it or my view is different than yours still doesn’t give you the right to judge me or anyone else or make you any better than me. So with all that let’s see how many ignorant hateful, uncaring responses I can get versus constructivism.