Throughout my whole life of 28 years I had been in much distress, I had been hurt by so many people and I was pushed to and beyond the boundaries where I became so isolated. I have trouble having any human interaction, having friends, not being able to trust anyone, not experiencing love and not being respected that it felt as if why am I here?
My school was a Christian school and they were supposed to be there and to support those who were bullied or threatened but instead they neglected me, neglected my pain, my suffering. Their reputation was more important and tried to pretend that the bullying didn’t exist. In school the bullying was never ending, the beatings, the teasing, and the pure hatred for me for whom I was. To them I was a threat, a target, something they didn’t like and felt it was easy and gave them great power to tear me apart.
Because I was brought up and baptised as a Christian, the one thing that I didn’t need to be taught about being a Christian was to forgive just as Jesus did. Every time they hurt me or done wrong towards me they would ask me to forgive them and I always did.
Countless of times over the 8 years of Primary and Secondary school the same group of people had me in their sights each day of each month of each year but because my faith was and is always strong in believing in Jesus and to follow in his footsteps, forgiveness was something I did to all those who hurt me. Doing this sets me free from anger, hatred, bitterness and revenge towards those who hurt me..
Since school, my life had changed, I no longer had any friends, I couldn’t turn to anyone anymore to trust, and I had to make it on my own with Jesus leading me the way. My grades were ruined, but I decided to dedicate my whole life from 18 years onwards to work hard and to never give up, pushing myself beyond what people assumed I was capable of and that wasn’t much.
After I left school and didn’t pass any of my exams except one. I decided that I will not be defeated that I will work hard to make it back to the top. I went to college and spent 3 years in all and I got the highest grades in the classes. I went onto university and achieved a degree but the problems started to show in the family and they were only the beginning.
My mom and dad would argue, shout and fight. My dad became selfish and thought only of himself and not of his children, I was the one who ended up being hurt the most since my sister had my mother and I never had my dad to take me out and do things like father and sons do. My parents started to curse and talk badly about each other to me and I was trapped and had no way out.
The terrible and awful breakdown of our family is something none of us ever want to go through again. I was in such venerable position that I felt the Devil started to pray on that vulnerability and trying to exploit it. He started to tempt me to take some money. The temptation was so strong so much so he confused the truth with lies. I knew it was wrong and refused to listen but he kept on pushing me until I lost the will to fight back. The guilt that was left upon me ate through my soul. I heard his voice laughing at me for days on end.
I felt lost, without GOD, I had no hope left and I knew that I allowed myself to be fooled into doing something I knew was wrong in my heart but I wasn’t strong enough to realise it. He spoke in my head each time I tried to go back to church to seek forgiveness but he made every effort to make me rebel against GOD.
He fed me lies and used the pain and guilt I was in as if it was God’s fault. This was the most important decision of my entire life, but I realised that this is a LIFE AND DEATH situation. He said to me;
“Richard you don’t belong here, you did a terrible thing, it’s time to move on and leave the church, and there is nothing you can do now.”
“God made you feel guilty it is his fault!”
At first he made me believe it and almost got me agreeing with him but then I realised that I knew this isn’t what I believe.
I then said;
“NO!! I AM TO BLAME, IT IS MY FAULT! I will not blame GOD for making me feel guilty because I was the one who did this act. I will continue to go to Church, I will bear this burden for the rest of my life even if GOD sends me to hell I will never blame Him, and I will never hate Him!”
That was a life changing moment for me where I chose to stand with GOD no matter the cost to my life. After the separation of my parents the time came for me when I got my dream job in Edinburgh. I had to move out there and now I’ve been living here for over 5 years.
Months went by and my sister and I found out that my parents were getting back together without telling us. They started to neglect our suffering that they had put us through all these years by fighting and arguing and then separating and then getting back together.
I took a few days off work to fly back to London to stay with my sister. I was so busy and had lots of deadlines to meet but I felt it was something I needed to do. I decided to confront my mom and said that I want to speak to dad on the phone. I gave him such a telling off for what he had done to me, my sister and my mom.
The most hurtful thing that I could ever hear from my own father was;
“I don’t care if you’re depressed or wanted to kill yourself, I don’t care how you feel about me and mom but we are getting back together! You’re so selfish it’s always about you, you all the time!”
“Whether you or your sister, like it or not, me and your mom are back together, you have to accept it, so tough luck!”
The only people in the world that should be close to me and that as children you depend on and rely on when the world is against you are your own parents but they turned against us. I lived with this anger and hatred towards them for 6 months. There were times where I wanted to die because of the pain and suffering I had for all these years with how people have treated me.
I tried counselling, antidepressants, everything but they all failed. I reached a point where I was crying in the corner of my room, full of doubt, pain, neglect and suffering that after all these years I felt everyone had pushed me too far and that I wanted to leave this world and do them a favour. Suddenly I heard a voice in my head and it was God! He said to me with a firm voice;
“Richard! Is this what you want? Are you sure you want this?”
I cried and said to him;
“No I don’t want this! But I’m so lost; I’m so hurt I do not know what to do!”
God replied to me by saying; “Then if you do not want this put that knife away, get up and stand on your feet and I want you to carry on living”
I stood on my feet and I instantly never looked back at thinking about ending my life. I could not figure out why so many terrible things could happen to me. I was telling myself that I never drink; I do not smoke or do drugs. I have a good heart; I have always tried to be loving and caring, thoughtful and will put my own feelings on the line to be there for others. No matter how many people would laugh with the way I lived or how many would stab me in the back.
For some reason I knew that one day I would have to make peace and forgive parents but I was not ready. God knew this and he waited for the right moment when we would meet. As I moved out of my rented flat to my new home that I bought, my parents came up and wanted to help me move my stuff. My mom made sure that my dad would not contact me or meet me and promised he would keep his distance. Before they left God Spoke to me and said;
“It is time to let go, let go of this anger go and meet your father and it is time to forgive them. You are ready and I am here with you so do not worry”
I started to feel inside of myself that I had to let it go so I met up with both of them. My dad and I were nervous and just before they left, he grabbed both of my hands and said to me;
“It was a brave thing you have done; I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming to see me. I know it wasn’t easy and I’m so proud of you and thank you again”
I said; “thank you for sorting out my new home and moving my stuff for me” and he said “It was a pleasure”
God then decided the time was right time and that I was ready, for what I didn’t know at the time. As months went by my relationship with my father and mother has never been stronger. My mom was worried about how I was feeling and she spoke to me on the phone one day and said;
“Anne that works with me at the college, she is a pastor and very spiritual. She would like to talk to you if it was ok.”
I said; “Ok that is fine with me”
My mom told Anne and said that she can call him whenever she wanted but Anne told my mom; “The Lord has said to me, to wait until he gives the word and then I will phone him”
I spoke to her on the phone and after speaking to her she wanted me to come down over Easter in April 2010. So we arranged a time and place to meet but during that week while staying at my parents place, I started to have rough nights. I couldn’t sleep I’d always keep getting up, I knew something was not right because I always sleep straight through.
The early morning of 3rd April 2010 Easter Eve, I woke up and it was around 7 am, I was alone in the flat and then I eventually went back to bed to get some sleep. It took me a while but when I did manage to sleep I was suddenly in the middle of space and was I was taken across the universe at lightning speed.
I did not have any control of where I could go; I just was pulled across space as if something was taking me somewhere. I was in awe, shock and amazement with the scale and size of the universe and how beautiful it looked. I felt so small as if I was a tiny spec of light in a vast black open space.
The stars shone brightly the galaxies came upon me so fast, it was truly breath-taking. The galaxy that I was near had a golden bright sun in the middle. The stars and clusters were in a ring like shape orbiting around the giant sun in the middle. Huge clutters of asteroids were flying around me.
I started to speak out aloud describing what I could see as if I was trying to tell the people at home, back on earth what I could see. A huge asteroid came into view. It slowly drifted across but then as the asteroid moved way it revealed a planet which I had never seen before.
The planet was black and had a rusty surface, but the closer I got to it I could see the surface was hot and on fire. I was heading straight towards it. I knew what it was, I knew where I was heading but I didn’t tell myself this. But thinking to myself why, why am I going there!
As I got closer I saw huge lava rock mounts like volcanoes poking out of the planets crust. Standing on top of them were people (humans) men and women but they appeared as black figures. They were burning and set on fire. I came closer to the ground there was this vast black lake as far as the eye could see.
Pockets of black lava rock islands were scattered around this black lake. Then I looked up into the sky and I saw, which looked at first like bats, but they were huge black winged demons. They were flying in the distance towards me.
They were all set ablaze, the fire from their bodies lit up the black sky in red. I then started to hear and see people fall with me to this place. They were all screaming, shouting groaning in pain and agony. I have never heard anything so terrible in my life that I can still hear the cries and screams in my head right now.
The moment my feet touched the ground, I was on one of the black rock islands. I stood there and said to myself, “No matter what, I LOVE GOD and I will fight my way out of this”. Scorpions and huge lava worms were coming from the ground. The scorpions were stinging at my feet, and my legs but I couldn’t feel any pain.
The lava worms were coming up from underground attacking the people all around me although I couldn’t see them. One of the lava worms came at me; I tried to kill it but had no weapons of any kind. I grabbed it with both hands. It was so big that I couldn’t keep it from attacking me. Its mouth opened and a smaller mouth came out which aimed towards my chest.
I woke up and sat at the edge of my bed, it took a few minutes for the vision that I saw to sink in before I knew that I was shown hell. I wasn’t sent there to be punished, I wasn’t in pain, I knew that when my feet touched the ground that God sent me here to show me that this is real. The pastor Anne took me out that night to Nandos for a light meal to discuss my life, to get to know me, to talk about God and everything that lead up this point. I told her about the dream, she said;
“Richard it is not a dream do not believe what others say that you dreamt it and it isn’t real! It’s a revelation!!!
“God loves you; he is so pleased with you that he chose you to share your vision of Hell so others can see that it does exist!!”
Later that night she had one thing in mind left to do for me and that was to reveal me to Jesus! I repeated the words and I had to confess with my own mouth and soul that I believe in Jesus and that God gave up his only Son to die for us.
While repeating the words, I felt a strong heat; a presence that I knew wasn’t good it was evil. It tried to make me laugh at Anne, it tried to disrupt us. It used great force that it made grin and smile at Anne. I almost felt I had no control of what was happening and I knew that whatever it was, wanted to laugh at her, to mock her. I used my hands to apply pressure to my face so that I could gain control and carryon repeating the words. Anne knew what was going on she knew what she was doing.
By confessing with my mouth heart and soul that I believe in Jesus, it was torturing Satan, he couldn’t bare the words and took over my body but I still could hear and feel the burning and heat inside of me.
Through me, Satan was screaming in pain and shouted at the pastor Anne, “I CAN’T DO THIS! I CAN’T! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE!”
Satan was almost defeated he wanted to fight so hard to keep a hold of me so that I couldn’t confess that the Lord Jesus is Lord and that I believe in him. But Anne made sure that I would complete the final words.
“Richard!! Finish it!!”
I had enough strength and finished it and suddenly felt a huge force leave my body; I was out of breath, exhausted as if two powerful forces were pulling my soul. Anne screaming in joy said;
“RICHARD! Praise be to God! He is gone, you are with Jesus, and you are saved!! Satan is defeated!! His no more! Your name is now in the Book of Life!”
Easter Day, I went to the ECM – Europe for Christ Mission. Every Sunday they ask the people in the congregation if they have a story to tell, any experiences to share. I was asked by the pastor Anne to share and tell the people of my revelation, my vision of what God showed me. I put my hand up and decided to stand up and speak to the people of what I saw. They all thanked me and said a prayer for me; they are so caring and made me so welcome to their community.
They applauded me for telling my vision that I had of Hell. I felt like God planned this for me to tell his people out in the world what Jesus Christ done for me and what he can do for so many others. I expressed countless of times how thankful and in awe I am of Jesus freeing me and showing me the truth. It was my job to make sure that I tell everyone of my experience. I never felt so committed to working for GOD and telling everyone about what happened to me.
God showed me a vision of Hell and this was so that my old self was crucified with the blood of Jesus so that the body of sin might be done away with. I was no longer a slave to sin. I was renewed in the spirit of my mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.