Struggling

I don’t know what to say other than that i am a believer in Christ Jesus who struggles with homosexuality. I am 49, and have lived my whole adult life more or less actively homosexual. I have had lustful thoughts and desires towards other men since I was a little boy…first remember having them around the age of three or four. i do not know whether this was a sin I was born with (for i was conceived in sin…Psalm 51) or whether I was abused in some way as a young child that i don’t remember. At this point i am not really concerned about that. I just want to spend eternity with the LORD, not with my homosexuality. I recently related to a friend who also struggles in the same area that I haven’t had a single sexual experience that was not tainted with a sense of guilt and shame. I should clarify that a bit though, I first began to seek God at the age of 23. i had joined the navy at 17, was stationed on the West Coast far from my home in AL, where I went headlong into the gay lifestyle. I did a lot of drugs of all kinds until I was finally brought to my knees by methamphetamine. I really sensed that i was headed straight to hell, but I was lucky enough to have a family that, imperfect as they were, loved me enough to take me back in and give me a fresh start. At that time, though, I just wasn’t ready to even attempt to leave the gay lifestyle. Over the years it became more sordid than ever, the only thing that was gone was the one drug methamphetamine. My sexual behavior became more and more frequent and I continued to drink and do drugs whenever I could get them. my most crushing blow in life came in 1990 when I discovered that i was HIV+. I felt as though God was punishing me for my lifestyle. But still I continued…I felt that I couldn’t turn to the Church because they would reject me. So I leaned on other gay friends and AIDS services organizations. I tried very hard to buy the liberal christian line that homosexuality was really ok if God created me that way, but something deep inside just couldn’t ever completely buy it. I believe that God had placed a seed inside of me that made me aware of my own sin, but it was several more years before I reached a point where I personally asked God to forgive me of my sins through Christ Jesus. I believe that he did, at that very time, do just that but I was like the man in the parable of the seeds, who falls among weeds and thorns. The worries cares and pleasures of this life choked out God’s word and i didn’t bear fruit. I have had many heartbreaks and setbacks…an overdose that almost killed me, that God saw fit to allow me to survive, several disastrous same sex relationships, strained relationships with family, and the almost constant companion of loneliness and shame. Despite all this, i keep seeking the LORD and believing in the truth of his word. It is very hard-i am currently a member of a liberal denomination that has begun to accept homosexuality. I have tried everything I know…12 step groups, Celebrate Recovery, some Christian Counseling (one counselor at what is considered a conservative evangelical denomination told me that the sexual response is part of the autonomic nervous system…I basically felt as though he was telling me I was doomed), and just plain holding out and praying. But I just keep falling over and over. But i have to say that the pull of my homosexuality is getting weaker. I have begun visiting more evangelical churches, but sometimes I get so afraid to open up. I fear that I will make some big commitment only to fall again. And every time i fall Satan laughs. I believe that God’s word is the key to victory. I have begun reading his word more earnestly and asking God to reveal to me what his will is for my life. I earnestly pray that I will be delivered from this lifestyle and that Christ will clothe me in his righteousness, and that i will, at last, be raised to live with him forever in heaven, where my deliverance will be a testimony to his unfailing love and awesome power to save. Amen.

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