In the past year, God has delivered me from suicidal thoughts, magic, and the occult. But I still struggle with my sexuality and immorality. I started masturbating a year ago and quickly became addicted. There have been times where I have masturbated four to six times a day. I’ve tried stopping many times but my longest period of abstinence was a month before I lapsed back into it again. I have prayed to God for deliverance from this, but it has not happened yet. And, worse, I fear I lack the faith or sincerity to pray for it anymore. I am finding that I am just apathetic at this point. I know in my mind what I am doing is wrong and disgusting, but I don’t feel it anymore, and I know this is terrible. I don’t know how I can repent without meaning what I am saying and feel horrible about it. I want to feel disgusted with myself just so I would have some more incentive to stop.
Secondly, I struggle with my sexuality. I am not gay or bisexual. I am extremely ashamed to admit it, but I am somewhat zoosexual. I try to repent and stop fantasizing about it, but I always fail and I feel like a freak when I do. I would never consider in acting upon the fantasies now, but in the bible it says that if a man looks at a woman with lust, he has already committed adultery in his heart. I may have well done it with all the fantasies I have had. I used to be more attracted to men. I still am, but not as much. And it really bothers me.
If you could offer any support or suggestions, I thank you in advance. It is highly appreciated.