Question about unpardonable sin.

Hi,

First of all I have to tell that I’m 15 years old and I’ve aspergers syndrome and a bit OCD/Involuntary thoughts. I’ve had a tough schooling, with getting bullied a lot and so, and been taking medication almost my whole life too. Jesus saved me many times, for example when a sudden lightning strike hit the ground just a few steps away from me. Just so you know I respect him and love him, and I never want to leave him.

I’ve been more depressed than ever at some points, when I thought I had blasphemed the holy spirit, and felt if Jesus doesn’t forgive me, I’ve nothing to live for.

First time it happened, was in the evening after my spirit baptism. I was confused about the tonuges, I had forgotten the few words I got at the baptism. In the evening I got a thought “The tongues are demonic”. I thought to myself “No, that wasn’t my thought, I didn’t mean it”. But got really depressed. I also saw a golden orb shining with light for a brief second at that point, and next day, I got a thought “That orb was demonic”, or something like that, and got sad because I knew it was from Jesus.

And today, I had the worst of them all, I got a thought saying “Jesus did his miracles with demons”. I got really depressed and cried out for him. I had read a lot, and people said different things, and wasn’t sure if Jesus would ever forgive me, I don’t understand how I got that thought, it was a horrible thought.

Sometimes it feels like I don’t have control over my mind/thoughts. For example, I once had a thought saying “I pray to Azazel” I had read that he’s a demon angel or something, and this happened after I saw a guy named Azazel in the X-men movie. It felt like I couldn’t interrupt it, but I did.

And I’ve had a thought saying “I sell my soul to the devil”, or something. Ofcourse, I wouldn’t do that, I thought what a sick thought! I love Jesus, and I’ve seen Jesus when I was like 7 years, when I woke up crying after a nightmare, he said “Don’t be afraid”.

I’ve felt literally sick at some points, sick as in wanting to puke. Because of these thoughts. I’ve been an active christian for like 2-3 months. I never read the bible/went to church/prayed before and I lived by my own will. I haven’t got water baptised yet either.

Also, sometimes when I would imagine me hugging Jesus, the picture of that in my head would turn dirty, how hard I try not to make it dirty, it doesn’t work. I’ve had a porn, masturbation habit before I was an “active christian”.

I hope he still wants me, I don’t want such evil/unpure thoughts. I hope I haven’t commited the unpardonable sin and that I won’t go to hell, I’ve read all those horrible testimonies about hell (people who been shown hell).

What do YOU think?

comments

Comments

  1. Sunrise says:

    Unwanted thoughts come into to everyone’s mind. Just don’t let them “camp out” there.

  2. Evangelist-7 says:

    Hi Jonathan,
    Rest easy, son.
    Blaspheming the Holy Spirit is when a person gives Satan the credit for something the Holy Spirit did.
    Not only that, but scholars say that episode in the gospel was a special one-time event.
    Don’t ever allow the enemy of your soul to lie to about this again, okay?

  3. bornagainbytheblood says:

    Bad thoughts come from the devil. He’s trying to torment you. If you’re living holy before God, then know that you are a child of God. This is done by faith. Examine your life to see if you’re holy. Have you separated from all sin? Also, much of the filth on TV and movies are not fit for a child of God, so be careful to not grieve the Spirit.

    The devil will never let up, so you have to be vigilant to use the Word of God and the blood of Jesus against him when he comes to torment your mind.

    • jonathan95 says:

      I won’t look at movies including such things and not TV programs either. I heard secular movies put demons in you.

      If I’m holy? I want to live by the Word of God and I want to live Jesus ways. I love him so much. I haven’t got water baptised yet, I will this saturday most likely, it strenghtens your faith and stand with christ, right? I want to do it to leave the old me behind and become a newer and more pure creation in christ. But I’ve been baptised in the holy spirit.

      I often think like this: When Jesus came to me and said “Don’t be afraid Jonathan” when I was around 7 years, and woke up after a nightmare crying, I often think like this: He knew my future, he knew all this would happen.

      Also I’ve started thinking, since he’s a fair God, he knows I have Aspergers syndrome I don’t need to worry about these thoughts since they aren’t from my heart, I would never intend to grieve Jesus in any way.

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