First of all I have to tell that I’m 15 years old and I’ve aspergers syndrome and a bit OCD/Involuntary thoughts. I’ve had a tough schooling, with getting bullied a lot and so, and been taking medication almost my whole life too. Jesus saved me many times, for example when a sudden lightning strike hit the ground just a few steps away from me. Just so you know I respect him and love him, and I never want to leave him.
I’ve been more depressed than ever at some points, when I thought I had blasphemed the holy spirit, and felt if Jesus doesn’t forgive me, I’ve nothing to live for.
First time it happened, was in the evening after my spirit baptism. I was confused about the tonuges, I had forgotten the few words I got at the baptism. In the evening I got a thought “The tongues are demonic”. I thought to myself “No, that wasn’t my thought, I didn’t mean it”. But got really depressed. I also saw a golden orb shining with light for a brief second at that point, and next day, I got a thought “That orb was demonic”, or something like that, and got sad because I knew it was from Jesus.
And today, I had the worst of them all, I got a thought saying “Jesus did his miracles with demons”. I got really depressed and cried out for him. I had read a lot, and people said different things, and wasn’t sure if Jesus would ever forgive me, I don’t understand how I got that thought, it was a horrible thought.
Sometimes it feels like I don’t have control over my mind/thoughts. For example, I once had a thought saying “I pray to Azazel” I had read that he’s a demon angel or something, and this happened after I saw a guy named Azazel in the X-men movie. It felt like I couldn’t interrupt it, but I did.
And I’ve had a thought saying “I sell my soul to the devil”, or something. Ofcourse, I wouldn’t do that, I thought what a sick thought! I love Jesus, and I’ve seen Jesus when I was like 7 years, when I woke up crying after a nightmare, he said “Don’t be afraid”.
I’ve felt literally sick at some points, sick as in wanting to puke. Because of these thoughts. I’ve been an active christian for like 2-3 months. I never read the bible/went to church/prayed before and I lived by my own will. I haven’t got water baptised yet either.
Also, sometimes when I would imagine me hugging Jesus, the picture of that in my head would turn dirty, how hard I try not to make it dirty, it doesn’t work. I’ve had a porn, masturbation habit before I was an “active christian”.
I hope he still wants me, I don’t want such evil/unpure thoughts. I hope I haven’t commited the unpardonable sin and that I won’t go to hell, I’ve read all those horrible testimonies about hell (people who been shown hell).