please help me! anyone, please help me.

hello, everyone – God bless you all. <3 i hope and pray that all of you are staying strong and safe in the Lord, and taking care of yourselves. i just joined this website today, and i have to say that i am extremely excited to be here, and so impressed by what i have seen so far. i cannot wait to grow on here, and hopefully touch others with my writing and my heart and my posts. i am currently going through an extremely dark time. if you'd like some brief information on what i have experienced in my broken past, please feel free to visit the "about me" section of my profile. basically, i feel that i am being attacked by Satan rather viciously, and i need your help and prayers. i must admit that it is my own fault that this is happening. i have neglected prayer and the Word because the only time that i have to truly spend time with God is at night, and lately i have been falling asleep instead of spending time with Him. to say that i hate myself for this is not an exaggeration. i struggle with a lot of self-loathing right now, and i am so upset with myself for being so weak and neglectful. i truly want to pursue Him and know His Heart, and i promise all of you that i am working very hard on praying and reading the Word much more often. i know that by being weak, i opened a door to the enemy knowing my vulnerability and attacking me in the hope of defeating me through it. i know that God does not want me to hate myself, and so i ask for your prayers and advice on this subject. i don't want to disappoint or upset God - ever - and i am very upset with myself for neglecting Him, but need to find a balance between disappointment when i do wrong and forgiving myself and moving forward. basically, Satan is bringing up a lot of temptations and pain from my past. he is tempting me to listen to the satanic screamo/emo/death metal music that i was obsessed with for quite a long time. he is tempting me to linger on the pain of my past - especially the rape that i endured on february 6, 2010, while backslidden - and to dress in black again, to cut myself again, to commit suicide. dark voices fill my mind, and i am too weak and pathetic to do anything about it! i know that i am not weak and pathetic, because in Christ i am victorious. but i feel so ashamed that i need to come to other Christians about this when i should be able to overcome the temptations and attacks myself. satan is tempting me to fall back into bisexuality, to become "emo" again, to have momentary pleasure through sex and self-destruction and then eternal agony. i have never been tempted like this. this is more violent and vicious than anything i have endured during my time as a Christian. i hope this means that i am growing closer to God, and stronger in my faith, which would cause Satan to view me as a threat. but it is so hard to stay strong in the Lord when the temptations to backslide into momentary pleasure are so strong. i would truly appreciate your prayers and advice! i eagerly await all that you have to say. please, please help me. i know that i deserve to be talked to very harshly after my shameful neglect and weakness. please, don't hold back. i deserve it. as you can see, i am passionate for God, but i still have many painful issues from my past. please, if you can help me, i would truly appreciate your responses to this post. thank you so much, and God bless you all. i hope to get to know many of you soon. love always, in the peace and love of Christ, alison xx

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