my first blog…

I have been battling an addiction to chewing tobacco. It has had a very big stronghold in my life even after the appearance of health issues more than likely caused from it.
I believe this was about more than nicotine. I had recently decided to rededicate my life to the Lord Jesus. I was having feelings that the Holy Spirit wanted me to give up the nicotine, but I held on. I told myself it wasn’t as important as other things like faith, forgiveness, etc. And I would quote the scripture in Matt. 15:11:

“Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth this defileth a man.”

But, God wouldn’t let it go away, I wasn’t getting peace or satisfaction from the nicotine anymore. I wanted to quit, but didn’t want to quit. Yesterday I made up my mind to try harder. I went nearly a whole day without any tobacco. I was a tore up, agitated, and a nervous wreck. I just kept pacing the floor as if I was outrunning the cravings, but I couldn’t get away from the torment of them.
Finally I caved in. I had one. I only kept it in my mouth a few minutes, it felt aggravating to my mouth. It did “seem” to comfort me for a little while afterwords, but soon a sense of extreme anxiety and unrest came over me.
I have battled these spirits of anxiety, fear and doubt before, but this was like a feeling of disapproval from God as well. Like he was giving me a spiritual spanking or something. It was not fun at all, let me tell you. Not a good place to be, or atleast it didn’t feel good at the time.
So following the advice of a good friend and accountability partner of mine, that I met on this site, I went to a quiet alone spot (the bathroom) to praise Jesus and pray.
Immediately I hit the floor on my knees and cried. I couldn’t quit. I rocked further to the floor sobbing, all I could say was Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus. I didn’t know what to say. It seemed it would come in waves, i would compose myself enough to get the tears and snot wiped away and here it would come again. When it would come over me I just had to succumb to it, and it felt like a gentle something was holding me there. Like I couldn’t move, but I could if really wanted to.
I realized though that I didn’t want to stop it, it wasn’t bad anymore like when i entered the bathroom. Now it was a good thing. It’s very hard to explain but it felt like something was being extracted that didn’t need to be there, and I was liking the feeling. So I kept crying out to God and weeping. This went on for I don’t know how long, but I found myself in between the “waves” wanting the next wave to come faster.
At some point I had moved to the bedside and was still on my knees, with my body laying across the bed. I felt like I was being “gently pressed down” on the bed. I do not know how much time passed like this. I could ask some that were online before and after this all happened, but I’m guessing an hour or so. I turned my head towards the Bible laying open on the bed. I know that God gave me this scripture at the time, I didnt turn to that page or anything, nor was I expecting anything. It was just there looking at me waiting for me to read it. I felt led to read outloud so I did.

It was Isaiah 43: 18-19
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

Now came joy. Same thing with the sobbing and crying out to God, but happier. Peace. Love. It felt very good to have Him speak to me this way. It was a first for me. I want more. I’m not sure what all is going to happen, but I’m trusting Him and obeying and believing what He said in that scripture to me.

That is why I made this blog post. I felt lead by Him to tell this. So there it is, I pray God uses it to help you somehow.

And I would like to add that I still crave tobacco some, it is better now though. And I haven’t had any today again. I know many here have been praying for me and I thank you for your prayers. Something new has”sprung forth”! I now feel confident that I will beat this. I also believe that there is more of a spiritual connection to the addiction than I realized. Much more is hinging on me quitting than just treating this temple better.

I think that is all God wants me to say this time so may He bless all who reads this. Until next time…have faith.

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My first blog

Today I decided to begin to make time for journaling. I thought what better way than to do it on the web. I can write more quickly and be able to add more content that way. Plus, I made particular connections between technology and the future. Writing on here is a good way to have an easy access location to do writing all in the same place. I had a hard time grasping the concept of electronic organizing and writing. I always had to have concrete things like books or paper that I could see and hold. This will be a way to relflect and organize my thoughts and what I learn, which will transition into the stage of implimentation in my life and business. I read my bible tonight for the second time in like a month. That is just terrible. No wonder things are messed up in my life! Anyways, I prayed to have God show me and teach me and prayed for my understanding of the teaching and I kept running across things regarding spiritual gifts and ones fulfillment of the church (body of christ); particularly to finding what my purpose is. Praise God I say. He never seices to amaze me. Does this thing have spell check. Can others read this blog? It doesn’t really matter to me. If it can help somebody, great. Also, writing or blogging is a great way to battle the onset of Alzemeihers, because it helps to retain information and learn.

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