My mom always told me, “God has a special plan for you.” Whenever she talks about me, she always calls me her miracle baby. Looking back, I can see God’s miraculous intervention at times that I needed him the most.
When I was born, the doctor told my mom, “I’m afraid we’re going to lose him.” My APGAR was at a three. The doctors were ready to announce my death. My mom had to face the fear of losing her 6th baby, though I was the first one to ever make it to being born. My mom said to my dad, “Go stay with him.” God intervened and breathed new life into me. The next morning the doctor, stunned, said, “He’s a whole new baby! He’s going to be fine!” Thi swould only begin a life of miracles.
When I was very young, maybe about four years old, my mom and dad were sitting somewhere with me when this woman came up to me and began talking as if she was checking up on me. Neither of them knew who she was and we never saw her again.
Throughout my childhood, my mom always taught the Bible to me, but I never really grasped them as being personal. I thought I had the perfect childhood. I had loving parents who loved each other very much. I never saw them fight even once.
When I was about six years old, everything began spiraling downward. My dad spent much time on the computer talking to “friends”. Whenever I asked him to do something with me, he always said “Maybe later.” One night when I was about seven or eight, my mom came home one night and I said to her, “Mommy, I’m hungry.” My dad had forgotten to feed me.
I never thought my dad could neglect or would, even. He didn’t pay that much attention to me, even when he and my mom were divorcing.
The year 1999. My mom had dreaded the day when she would have to tell me. To be honest, I had lost all connection with my own father; I had lost all emotional connection to him. She eventually came to me and said that we were moving to Okinawa, Japan. I asked her, “Oh, where’s that?” She told me it was somewhere in Japan. I then said to her, “Is Dad coming with us?” She said he wasn’t. I then asked, “Oh. Are you two thinking about getting a divorce?” My mom told me, “Well, I thought we would.” My response was not what she expected. I said to her, “Oh. Tell dad I love him.”
In November of 1999, my mom and I moved to Okinawa, Japan. I was ten years old at the time. After a couple of years living in Okinawa, my mom invited a minister to our house. He asked me, “Do you want to receive Christ as your Savior?” I said, “Yes.” After I recited the prayer, I felt great. Did I ever read my Bible? No. Did I ever pray? Maybe. I can’t remember.
There were plenty of bullies who made fun of me and caused emotional and psychological pain to me that would hurt me later in life. By the time I entered middle school, my self-esteem was not at all even average. I had been told many things. I wasn’t cool. I was stupid. I was worthless. These scars embedded in my heart would lead to a few years of falling into sin. The roots of this sin all began with the desire to receive the love my own father didn’t give me; the life of sin that would make me want to receive approval from other guys.
At the age of fourteen, I began wondering who I was. One thought entered my head. I began looking at pornographic images of other men. The images led to videos. The videos to webcamming.
When I was sixteen, I declared to myself and close friends, “I’m gay.” By the way, none of those friends were Christians. I was convinced that was the way God made me. I feel deeper and deeper into the life. I would webcam with other men, but not to chat. I was led by a spirit of lust, and a spirit of seduction.
When I was seventeen, a good friend of mine (at least now) confronted me and said, “Josh, I don’t think you know Jesus!” I was offended and said, “Yes I do!” I walked away mad at him. But what he said stuck with me for the next year.
Now God started performing another miracle in my life. When I was around eighteen, my mom noticed that something was not right with me. Did I mention that this was also around the time I started getting interested in the occult? My mom, in college, was involved heavily in the occult. She started praying for me, knowing that something was not right with me. One night, I fell to my knees and cried, “Lord! I am sick and tired. Help me!” God’s Word says that He turns an ear away from the prayers of the wicked. This is true, unless their heart is the part that’s crying out to Him for help. That was the first part of the miracle.
The second part happened a few months later. I was in a chatroom on Yahoo when somebody IM’d me. We began chatting and I asked them who they were. They said that they were an angel sent by God. I didn’t believe them at first, but that was fine with them. They told me it wasn’t their job to get me to believe in them. It was their duty to lead me back to the Father’s arms. I only remember some things they said to me (or typed, rather).
Over a period of the same two to three months, God performed a third miracle. He changed my heart. One day, I typed out to this angel, “I will not let Satan have my soul again!” Imagine how happy THEY were!
In October of 2007, when I was still eighteen, I went to Neighborhood Assembly of God. Brother Rocky was preaching, and at the end he invited anyone who needed prayer to go to the altar. He asked me what I needed, and I said, “I need forgiveness from my past.” I stood for what seemed like five minutes after he prayed over me. Suddenly, this wind blew right past me. There was no temperature to it, either. As soon as it hit me, I heard a voice deep within say to me, “My child, you are forgiven!”
I struggle with putting my past to death, as my flesh craves it. The truth is, though, the past is already dead. We just have to crucify our flesh each day. But I know that God is truly a God who is gracious to us. Most people don’t know the struggle many of us who were heading down the path of homosexuality, or even of those who have been down it and even have had sex with someone of the same sex. It is something that only God can truly remove, for it deals with the heart. And we can only go one day at a time.
Even when I became a Christian, I hit a point where it felt as though my flesh would consume me; that I would fail, fall, and die. But God is stronger than that. I thank him for binding and breaking the strongholds that needed bound and broken.
Over a men’s retreat in June of 2010, God healed me of a decade-old scar: unforgiveness, bitterness, even hatred towards my own earthly father. I can honestly say that I do love him and I forgive him.
Even more recently, God delivered me completely from homosexuality. I believe I can now stand victorious and say, “I have overcome by the blood of the Lamb who was slain!!”
I spent too much time, even as a Christian, trying to fulfill the yearning for acceptance from men. That desire nearly destroyed me as a Christian and nearly destroyed my testimony. Now, I know that God is a Father to the fatherless, and to those whose father has not been a regular part of their life.
God deserves the glory. He has healed me. Now I am complete in Him.
Are you a homosexual? Are you bisexual? Do you have a desire to have something better? Well, friend, have you tried Jesus? You’ve read my story.
God has three words for you: I love you.