What totally blows my mind about God, is the extent of His desire for us. He reaches out to us in our darkest hour and says “trust me”. He knows our joy and pain, our weaknesses and strengths, our every thought. Though we often ignore the signs of His presence, He seeks us out and never lets go of us.
My time of trial came with my third pregnancy. With occasional severe bleeding that was an enigma to my Doctor, I found myself in labour at 28 weeks. Advised that most babies can survive at this stage of gestation, my labour was traumatic to say the least and my baby did not survive. My mother immediately came alongside, having experienced a similar fate, but it was my father’s letter that really threw my brain into reverse thrust. Having always considered that I was the one in charge of my life, his letter suggested that perhaps there was a higher authority that was in control. Those words seemed to seer my brain and after getting out of hospital, I found myself visiting libraries in search of answers.
I read a number of books that seemed to touch my heartstrings in a way that I had never before experienced. I kept asking myself ” what is happening to me, why are the lives of a Catholic saint and an abandoned uneducated child, having so much affect on heart and mind? I seemed to recognise that I was being led, so my search continued. Several months later with the festive season over, I decided that perhaps it was a good idea for my children to attend Sunday School. After all, they needed to know about the baby Jesus that was born in a stable and besides, they were somewhat confused about where their sibling had actually died. This seemed an appropriate time to address such issues.
Having dropped them at the local Sunday School, I then considered whether I should sit and wait in the car, go home or check out the church service. Funny, how the latter seemed to draw me the most. What really knocked the wind out of me, was the sermon. It seemed to be suggesting that I was sinner, separated from God by my sin but that God would forgive my sins because of the death of His precious Son, Jesus. I came out of that feeling quite dazed, as if I had been hit over the head with a sledgehammer! Strangely enough, justifying to myself that it was for the sake of the children, I went to church the following week and the same thing happened, only this time I filled about three tissues with my tears. Something was undoubtedly happening to me that I had no control over. For six weeks I repeated that performance, until one Sunday morning, I knelt in the pew and asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and be my Saviour. I knew quite definitely that I had surrendered my life to someone who knew and loved me more than any one else on earth. I adored my earthly father and I thank him for initiating the most dramatic change of my life. Now my Heavenly Father would direct my life and so ‘letting go and letting God’ became the catchcry of my soul.
From that time forward, I have never ceased to love and know my God. He gave me two more children after I was told not to have any more. He prepared me for the loss of my mother from Cancer and used me as an instrument of healing just prior to her death. My mother had been abandoned as a child and she carried bitterness and resentment towards her mother all her life. But God gave me the opportunity to speak with her about this and she was beautifully released of that burden. Shortly after, she walked into the open arms of Jesus, her Saviour.
Three months later I found myself having radiotherapy and chemotherapy for a huge malignancy in my chest. By now, I had gathered around me a wonderfully supportive group of individuals from different churches, who prayed steadfastly for every aspect of my illness, never doubting my recovery. Four months later, the x-rays showed the tumour had gone and it has never returned. There were many times that I thought I would not make it through. Chemotherapy saps you all energy and at times leave you feeling more dead than alive but God prepared me for this ordeal. I learned how to praise Him in all situations and in turn, he surrounded me with His love, which gave me strength to endure.
The following year I enrolled in Bible College and three years after that in a degree course at university. I now work full time in a position that is highly stressful and one where I need God’s guidance and wisdom often. He has always been beside me in all that I have embarked on. His promise to me and to all His children is: