Love. Faith. Truth. And Jesus: The Testimony of a Sinners Redemption Received from Jesus Christ

 We all have our
weaknesses, secrets and lies. Some of us hide them better then others. Some of
us hide them so well that we fall victim to the trap of our own deceit. There
are no answers to life’s truth through denial. Why do I know this? I built my
house upon cards time and time again, I gambled my life with quick fixes, I
worshiped the world, grew accepting to its’ wrongful ways, and eventually
became empty/purpose less.  Why is it the
things we buy can never give us true contentment?  Why the careers we put our lives into never
seem to fulfill our true purpose of life? Why friends you trust most were never
truly your friends? Why we self medicate through drugs, material possessions,
other people, and all the others ways of escaping the truth?  You ask yourself why because the answer is
never clear, never there and never absolute. But the truth is drowned out by
excuses, self pity, and denial. Our weaknesses enslave us to a troubled mind
and an empty heart. I know this well because it comes from not my own
understanding but the understanding Christ has given me. I also know this well
because it was a way I choose to live, who I became, my faulted purpose. Throughout
my life, even as a child, I took refuge upon my weaknesses. I didn’t feel like
going to school, so I didn’t do it. I didn’t feel like going to bed, so I
stayed up. I didn’t feel like taking responsibility so I lied. This is how I
justified my actions, and my coping mechanisms later down the road were only as
healthy as the weaknesses I lived by.

 School was my strongest fight. From being in
kindergarten till sophomore year of high school I never wanted to go to school,
I was afraid, I was unmotivated, I didn’t feel like it. I hated schedules
because of my cluttered mind, I had medical issues that were left untreated,
and the more time went one the only problematic things became for me.  Throughout my struggles with school I believe
I was a pretty happy child, very social I just lacked in schedule, discipline
and motivation. Then when life became more serious, my positivity started to
dwindle, the clutter too much to face, and reality was beginning to sink in. I
believe the point of my life where my path became hopeless was my grandmother’s
battle with lymes disease and dementia. I couldn’t understand the reasons for
it. She was a teacher, the most animated and universally entertaining person of
my life, my memories I carry most come from times spent with her. But the past
was behind me, my grandma became less herself more and more each day. I
couldn’t accept it. I held onto the hope she would become better, but then she
stopped talking, I still hoped for her to recover but the truth was not easy to
face. The night she had a heart attack was the pitfall of my hope. She’d
slipped into a comma, had no sign of brain activity and was only held alive
through artificial life support. So for three days I did not cling to her
existence, I knew what would happen next. The third day she was taken off life
support but I knew in my heart that god had already taken her to a better
place. To this day I still have issues with coming to terms with it, I choke up
and feel the need to cry when I hear my Grandfather’s voice and still can’t
answer the reason for that. I guess I lost them both in a sense because after
she had passed, my grandpa couldn’t live with being reminded of her through us
he had to get away.

 Everything changed, life was dark, and I could
not face it. Hiding my emotions only worked for so long. I didn’t know why I
was clinging to the idea of strength when I needed something to make me happy
even if it went against what I knew wasn’t right. Just like anything else
though, it only stays wrong until we tell ourselves its okay. I needed an
escape, even if it was temporary it was quick and it was easily achievable. I
became best friends with someone who was exactly like me, broken, confused, and
mislead by her own denial and actions. Her coping mechanisms became mine. I
learned from her what I wasn’t dark enough to see. She opened my mind to a
world that consumed my every thought, motive, and purpose. And the right thing
became what I wanted it to. The essence of my logic was deceit, the purpose of
my life was being high and how I achieved it did not matter to me.  I was finally alive. At least until I was
sober. In doing this my parents became consumed with worry for my life. I had
landed myself 3 times in the ER from overdoses. I had run away to Seattle.  I had stolen prescriptions. I had been
caught. I had been selfish. I almost killed myself. The major awareness’s I had
to my addictions were the times I had caused the most pain. I did not want to
cause the ones who love me pain, I just couldn’t deal with my own. But my
selfishness showed them I didn’t care. So when my friend finally got sent to
rehab, she was out of my life. I realized that her place in my life had caused
nothing good, all my problems were only made worse by her advice. I knew she
wasn’t good, and I loved her like a sister but I wasn’t good either. We stopped
talking and I became less obsessed with drugs. She would go back and forth into
my life, those times nothing good ever came from them, my addictions came back
and when I cut off the contact, I had to face them all over again.

I
kept busy doing something I thought was healthy, would make me happy, and kept
a sense of control in my life. I put my energy in losing weight and becoming
physically perfect. In a way, the weight I lost was a lot like the high I would
get from drugs, it was a control, a sense of satisfaction and it gave me a
purpose to keep going. But just like my tolerance I built, through exercise my
body became tolerant as well and so it turned less healthy and more obsessive
and with quicker results. I had been eating 400 calories a day, working out 5
hours and completely unaware to the fact of my eating disorder. But then I
became aware, and I still wasn’t at my goal weight so I figured ill deal with
it when I get to my goal weight. I struggled with anorexia, bulimia, exercise
addiction basically controls I could attach to became the center point of
everything I did. Every aspect of my life. 60lbs less, I had become the weight
I wanted to. There was still something missing, I couldn’t believe that even
after all the work I was still unhappy. Sulking only led to a longer experience
of unhappiness, so I saw myself as wrong in my ways and I knew I couldn’t be
happy unless I got help for what I was unable to fix. Going to the doctor opened
a new pathway, medical dependence. I got treated for my issues and since the
doctor was prescribing the medications I thought I was doing what was right. My
dependence on their ability to fix me with a miracle prescription was another
faucet of denial, and their ability especially within the psychiatric field was
completely faulted. I had been given a pill for everything. One to go to sleep,
one to focus, one to make me happy, one to make me stress less. Of course this
wasn’t just one or two trials within each of these categories, no I tried
almost everything you can take for all of those conditions. But they only
worked for so long, and the whole drug interaction thing even the doctors
didn’t take seriously until I almost died from serotonin syndrome.

Through
this time though I had started school again and could finally become clear and
less fixed on my depression. I became happy with myself as I didn’t seek to
please others through false representation. I prided myself on who I was now
and will not be again. I saw others in the same situations I had faced and
through this I knew exactly how to talk to them, how to help them. I did not
get my self worth through selfish gain but what I did for others. I kept a
sense of openness, I didn’t hide myself because I couldn’t stand to be
dishonest. My sophomore year I had never been more happy in my entire life, I
had never felt more purposeful and I no longer let myself believe that the ways
in which I use to live were okay. I became aware of my addictions. I saw myself
for who I am, the weaknesses are simply things I’ve become a victim to. But I
needed to win, could not keep making excuses. At this point others were my main
focus, I tried to give my advice to those who were blind to their denial. In
this I placed my purpose on man, and in particular one man, the man I loved
before Jesus. I met a boy with a very troubled past, a victim of family abuse
and eventually a child of the system. His destructive ways, his dishonesty he
used to mask his imperfection, a self centered, prideful, jerk as most saw him.
But I was the epitome to love is blind. I trusted in his empty words and I grew
attached to his story, a story that portrayed his truth not the whole truth or
even the truth at all.  But I enabled
him, made excuses for his actions and believed his lies for a while. I tried to
give him the love he desperately needed to trust again and quit his impulses
that led to destruction. I saw myself in a lot of ways, I knew it led to an
endless feeling of depression, but my advice would not faze him. He knew
everything, I was simply wrong and a joke. You see no matter how much I loved
him, nothing I said, did or thought was easily understood by him or good enough.
I was always questioned by my acts in which I was the most selfless in my
motives. I didn’t know how to reach him, he wouldn’t listen to anyone besides
himself.  

Passive
help didn’t work. I couldn’t make excuses for him I needed to help him see the
truth in his ways even if it meant hurting his feelings. So instead of agreeing
with what I didn’t agree with I disagreed, instead of listening to his lie I
caught him in it, I pointed everything out that I saw because it was the truth.
He didn’t know the truth though. He responded with lies I knew held nothing.
His manipulation began to be easier to see, his ways of disregarding my words
became more obvious, the more I questioned his lies the more I learned who he
was. But despite the fact I wanted to remain with the truth, finally coming to
the conclusion was too difficult for me to grasp, I still couldn’t leave him
even though it became mentally and physically unhealthy to me. I was imprisoned
by the words I truly meant. But that was not the only reason I couldn’t leave, I
cared more about his well being then my own I needed him to see my love so that
he could love me back. He was in love with himself. I stayed with him, endured
tireless fights and arguments of how he was unhappy with my ability to love
him. The only times we were close were the times I couldn’t keep us together
and I stopped being selfless, he took blame for whatever he did wrong at those
times but the second he knew we were stable again the truth came out and he
blamed me. I was the reason for his abuse, I was too sensitive, I’m just
looking for a way out, I’m the selfish one that does nothing for us.  But he was quicker to apologize and some of
his apologies I do believe had some truth. In the bigger picture, I made him a
better person he didn’t make as many stupid decisions when I was around. But it
still wasn’t right, our love was abuse. It was manipulation, control and lies
in which he kept my hope and the pain he had received from his home life was
reflected onto me because no one could be trusted including the ones who say
they love you. To him, I was a trophy in his own words. To me he was my
purpose, my plan he was everything to me, and I truly loved him. When college
came around he didn’t want to be alone, he needed me he said, I promised I
wouldn’t leave and Id do anything for him. So I agreed to move in with him.
This damaged my family a lot, it put a lot of pain in my father and mothers
heart that I didn’t intend to cause. I felt ashamed. I told myself this was
what I had to do but it didn’t feel right, my family was devastated and I
couldn’t simply make a decision because either way one of them were going to
feel abandoned. So I took my parents love for me and their ability to deal with
conflict as a truth they knew and I knew that he wouldn’t understand if I left
and all the love I was trying to show him would be for nothing. So I left.  The cycles I dealt with before were nothing
to what I experienced when living with him. I at least could somewhat keep a
stable point of truth, direction through out our arguments. But his lies were
tearing me down, my love was thrown in my face, and I had no regard for the
truth anymore because my silence and obedience to him was the only thing that
kept him from hurting me. I was no longer there because of love, the only thing
that kept me at that point was fear. I couldn’t keep this life up any longer, I
was losing myself and fear was not as important at that point. I went to the
police, I filed an assault charge on him and I did not make excuses and I did
not hide the truth, the consequences of his own actions led to his arrest. His
lies put him further in a hole, his excuses were not listened to, his power was
gone.  I believe that nothing could put
things in a better perspective for someone like him, other then jail.  However the irony of it all was that, I was
in love with an abusive sociopath, which by definition is someone with ability
to understand/give love.

The
world had never been so painful and I had overcome my ways in which I used
denial to hide from the truth. I could not stand the idea of anymore lies, it
was the basis of what collapsed around me. I was putting my heart and trust
into the world’s devices and people without regard for the creator who put it
into existence to start with. I had been deceived and wanted nothing more then
the truth and the truth I received was absolute.  I had been shown that only God’s love can heal
the most broken hearted people and I was never going to fix the guy I loved
because I didn’t know Jesus. And he didn’t know Jesus. And through this, I was
never going to fix myself without Jesus. I was given the truth at a vulnerable
turning point for me when usually I would’ve taken my coping mechanisms as a
result but the power of God’s word did not become drowned out. The grace of god
had saved me from myself, my ways, my truths. I came to him a beat up rebel
weak in my denial, he took my hand in the most forgiving way swept me free of
the fallen worlds corrupt presence and the emptiness inside myself was no
longer there I knew I would never be alone. Hearing the new beat of his sacred
heart within my body, I knew the power of love and forgiveness like nothing
else to be more comforting and true. 
Everything I had wondered about life had never been clearer then the
night I felt his presence over me for the first time. It was the 2nd week since
I broke up with my boyfriend, doubt and guilt had surrounded my heart in
memories of the times I held most close to. Whether those were true or not,
none the less they were in the past and I could not live for today or tomorrow
when my heart was stuck in what has come and gone.  Emptiness and my emotions I bit my tongue
over what could no longer be locked away. I had been taken over by my emotions
for weeks and I could no longer take it. I knew what I had to do. I had to
surrender my life to God’s hands, I could no longer live my own way. I prayed
to god, I prayed for clarity and I prayed to be filled with the comfort of his
heart. I then felt the need to open the bible, so I opened it as if I were not
the one who was even in charge of my own consciousness. I flipped to proverbs,
scanned until the words became still. The words I read, they were like I was
reading the answers to my life. Things I could not coincidentally come to read.
The more I read with an open mind the more real it became to me, because it was
real. I was not going to let myself question God’s voice, I surrendered my mind
and heart to him without a shred of doubt or question. For the first time in my
life, I felt alive. I felt complete. I felt what I had always tried to attain
through my own devices. I felt happiness. The numb, wandering existence I once
led was swept away with a profound sense of meaning and a reason to go on. God
opened my eyes that night, I no longer wanted to walk with the blind in
darkness. I was aware. All of my prayers had been answered, I was no longer a
prisoner to a faithless mind. When I look back at my life, all the things I
learned and held the closest to me, they were all about truth in what I cannot
see. Love, compassion, empathy, devotion but where was my faith?  It was stuck in my own selfish devices of
control, they were idols I worshipped. They simply changed from emotions,
substance, material perfection and then onto man.  All of them empty, imperfect, broken. God
taught me through my years of faithlessness how many different ways you can try
to attain happiness but without god, all of them are meaningless, all of them
are empty.  Self pity lead to denial,
denial lead to the need for a way out the way out was drugs. Drugs are truly
the essence of evil. They supply you with a quick control, but it is false, it
lies to you making you believe there is no way out making you think the only
way to happiness in a broken world is through an alternate, more enhanced,
false reality. Those days I spent in a daze, I wasted away in a trap the devil
set for me but I broke free. Personal satisfaction with myself taught me the
emptiness in worshipping a material world, striving to look the best was just
as empty and satisfying as drugs. Falling in love with a man incapable of love
taught me the most valuable lesson of all. I do not believe the 2 years I spent
in an abusive relationship was for the worst, I gained knowledge about the most
important thing, where to put my faith. I also realized my place in a person’s
life, as much as they may need saving I will never be their savior because I am
not Jesus.

In
becoming a follower of Jesus, your eyes see the world extremely different. In a
lot of ways, my fellowship with Jesus is a lot like love, it’s extremely hard
to understand from a godless perspective, it doesn’t always make sense, it
changes a person, and everyone’s experience with him is unique. But unlike love
with another person, Jesus Christ’s love is flawless, truly the definition of
love, unfailing and never selfish. This is a verse that raises a very good
question. Jerimiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond
cure. Who can understand it? (NIV) the absolute truth to this question is
Jesus, and as stated in John 8:32 “Then you will
know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NIV). No matter
how far gone we think we’ve become there’s not a lost soul out there who can’t
be saved by Jesus. No matter how much we try to attain happiness, nothing will
give you absolute happiness other then Jesus. If your one of those people who
believes they don’t want to be restrained to the laws of god, your only
restraining yourself with a lie from the devil. You will never be walking in
truth, not until you meet the absolute truth.

 

 

– Madeline

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