Lost and need help…. Found this site by chance…

I have struggled throughout my life, and here is a brief timeline of my what I have been through:

3 yrs old mom and dad divorced and my mom took of to california with me and we left my family behind.

5 yrs old I was molested numorous times until I was tookin away from my mother, and the person who molested me was her boyfriend, and my mom was under the influence of drugs and potential prostitution/ hitchiking with me in the car.

5-7 yrs old we were homeless and living on the street and my mother was still under influence, and her boyfriend was abusing her and I, while coming in and out of our live. He would literally draw blood from bashing her head with lamps and throwing us against walls.

7 yrs old I was tookin away and put in foster care

my first foster home I was almost shot by a little boy riding a bike who had a gun and pointed it at me through a fence. I was the only light skinned person living in an african neighborhood, and my social worker said that it probably had alot to do with it at the time, even though it is easy for everyone to get along now it wasnt the case then.

In one of my foster homes they would make me rub oil stains out with kitty litter they would have me rub a brick over the kitty litter into the stain, as well as pull weeds from the driveway with a screwdriver, probably as a means to get money and get rid of me from the house at the same time.

I went through 7 foster homes and 12 group home before I emancipated. I ran away from group homes when I was 16 and turned to prostitution when I lost my virginity as a means to make cash to survive, I figured it was better then living in group homes, I sooned found out that I had became infected with HIV, when I was 16 after and my 32 yr old boyfriend was negative, and I was pregnant with a child on the way under the influence.

I got this daughter tookin away at 5 months because of drugs, I new I couldnt take care of her, and turned her over to my sisters adoptive parent where she would have a better life.

As soon as this happened I learned my lesson and got sober. But soon after I found out I was 6weeks pregnant with a baby and decided that I would keep her and give her a life I never had. I new I wanted to name her Evangeline Aniyah Smith when I was 3months pregnant and I didnt even know she was a girl but I was hoping with all my heart and apparently I got my wish. She is now 1 1/2 and living a very good life, with a full family.

Right now I am 21 and lost, I know deep down that there is a god but I am having trouble finding him. I am stuck without a job and actively looking, I stay at home with my daughter I am currently on calworks, and paying 400.00 rent. My viral load is undetectable, and HIV Is not a death sentence anymore so I am not scared of having it. I am only scared of what people think about me, and it is now impossible to find someone to love. I do not have any family or friends besides my mother who is in a sober living home with two yrs sober, and she is know longer homeless. It feels like I am her parent though. I never felt how it feels to have a true family and that has always been my hearts desire. I got a feeling that maybe if I posted this here that someone might be able to hear me I have knowone to talk to. And the only way to change my life around is to learn to turn to god. But it is hard when you have knowone to believe in you except yourself.

I am hoping that maybe someone on hear will be able to help me I have a strong feeling that maybe I didnt find this site by fault.

I am sorry about about the long introduction, thanks for listening, I feel guilty about all these things and feel that not only was this a chance to be heard but also a chance to repent and ask for forgiveness from my lord.

What do YOU think?

comments

Comments

  1. Donna-

    Thanks for sharing your pain and despair. I identify with much that you have written; some parts first hand and others at a very short distance. Circumstance and great strife prevented me from sharing in the warmth and love of a family- and I too grew up in a ‘pit’ of sorts with little hope of escape and part of this pit was walking the streets.

    Donna, you write:

    “it is hard when you have no one to believe in you except yourself”

    From where you stand this is true. For you don’t know the Son of God but if you make it your passion, you will know Jesus and you will change and so will your future.

    I was lifted out of my pit when I dared to believe that Jesus is the Son of God and is resurrected from the dead. Do what I did- lay hold of a bible and make your focus one of the Gospels-Mark or Luke. While reading, ask Jesus to reveal Himself to you and while you read, make a point to speak to Jesus. Affirm to yourself this truth, “The Father is God, He knows, hears and Loves me!” Be active when reading. Regard the Gospel as a treasure to be seized!

    When you reach Jesus’ suffering and Crucifixion- proclaim aloud, “Jesus died for me, Jesus died for Donna”. When you reach the account of his Resurrection, know that He was resurrected for you and proclaim this aloud too! You know about sin, sleaziness for they have covered your life and that of those close to you (not that these were close). Donna this comes from Satan, the adversary. He prowls and destroys lives and sin is the power he has over us.

    This circle of destruction must stop with you and it will stop but only if if you are passionate and fierce about knowing Jesus and His Salvation. Jesus’ Kingdom is for those who are bold, those- yes, the desperate. So be desperate.

    Read the Gospel passages as many times as you need to. Donna there is no offense to yourself or the Lord if it takes you time to believe that Jesus suffered for you, died for you and yes, was resurrected for you personally. As you read, wrestle with the Word and share your thoughts with the Lord. If you do this, be sure that the seed of “belief” will sprout within your spirit.

    Prepare yourself to be awed at how faith and belief will grow within your heart that Jesus is the Son of God and that He is resurrected and alive to you, today!

    Donna, it is a fact that when we are in a deep- dark pit it takes time for the light of the Word of God to penetrate and wrap around those corners. So, be patient and willing to dedicate time to work through and wrestle with the Gospels. God is not a man- He is all powerful and all knowing; if this were not so then He would not be God. God the Father sees you and is pleased. As you swim and dive into the Word of God, hope will dawn in your heart and by reading and wrestling with the Gospels, you are feeding this hope. Very soon belief will well up and take hold of your heart and you will know with certainty that these hopes about Jesus are true!

    You will surely know when faith or belief springs to life inside you. For a joy, inexpressible will fill your spirit and with this a bursting need to share it with those about you. When this happens you are ready to confess Jesus as your Lord before other Believers and be baptized into His Name.

    Get to know Jesus and Jesus will reveal Himself to your heart. This is exciting stuff- for you will get there- a new Donna, a new life!

    Do yourself a favor and put aside books, magazines and if you have the heart for it, switch off the T.V. (and guard your browsing on the WWW). It is difficult, even impossible for hope and faith to dawn in our spirit when the mind is filled with worldly rubbish. It is a small sacrifice to put this aside until you know Jesus, for then you can pray for guidance as to what is sound and wholesome.

    Remember girl, you are precious to the Father and to us His children. Your future is to be part of a very large family, all of whom love you in ways that your natural parents could not.

    with you- Peer.

  2. Timothy Luke says:

    Donna, thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. You have a Father in heaven who loves you very much. I am sorry you did not have a father in the home who knew how to love you more than himself. Girls and boys need Daddy’s who can love them for who they are, not what they can do for themselves. God has placed a call and a purpose in each of us. You are not a mistake in this world. You have a place here, and God has a place of love and peace and joy for you in eternity as you surrender your life to Jesus Christ.

    Donna, do you want to be saved? God wants to save you, you know. Please, make this online family your family for encouragement and direction in knowing Jesus and your heavenly Father. Jesus told us this when he first began his ministry….

    Luke 4:16 And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up: and, as his custom was, he went into the synagogue on the sabbath day, and stood up for to read.
    Luk 4:17 And there was delivered unto him the book of the prophet Esaias. And when he had opened the book, he found the place where it was written,
    Luk 4:18 The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,
    Luk 4:19 To preach the acceptable year of the Lord.
    Luk 4:20 And he closed the book, and he gave it again to the minister, and sat down. And the eyes of all them that were in the synagogue were fastened on him.
    Luk 4:21 And he began to say unto them, This day is this scripture fulfilled in your ears.

    Only Jesus can take the pain of the past and replace it with joy. Joy is probably a foreign thought to you, given all you have been through…. but God has joy for you my sister. I hope other sisters will be able to speak up and share how the Lord has helped them overcome the pain of their past.

    You have sinned greatly, like the rest of us. May you also come to know the peace we have found and a place of belonging that only comes from finding your way back to your true spiritual home with God. May God bless and keep you and may you make yourself at home here on Christian-Faith.com. We love you.

    Sincerely,
    Tim

    • [email protected] says:

      I woke up in the morning and opened this and happened to see your comment. It made me feel good when I read it. And I felt a little bit of relief. Thanks for reaching out to me…

    • Timothy Luke says:

      Donna,

      I want you to know that our prayer group prayed for you today. Our God is a God of love. He loves you and He sent His Son Jesus to save you out of your distress. There is so much hurt and pain and then shame and guilt that makes us keep it to ourselves. God wants to set you free from all that. Don’t discount God’s ability to heal you of HIV as well. He has done it for others. You can read a testimony of it here in I Was Healed of AIDS where a young mother tells of how the Lord healed her, and then her four children.

      Jesus wants to save you Donna. He really does. He needs you to come to Him though, because He will not force Himself on you. He created you with the freedom to choose, and He is patiently waiting for you to choose Him and to choose life. If you would like to be saved, please email me.

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