I have struggled throughout my life, and here is a brief timeline of my what I have been through:
3 yrs old mom and dad divorced and my mom took of to california with me and we left my family behind.
5 yrs old I was molested numorous times until I was tookin away from my mother, and the person who molested me was her boyfriend, and my mom was under the influence of drugs and potential prostitution/ hitchiking with me in the car.
5-7 yrs old we were homeless and living on the street and my mother was still under influence, and her boyfriend was abusing her and I, while coming in and out of our live. He would literally draw blood from bashing her head with lamps and throwing us against walls.
7 yrs old I was tookin away and put in foster care
my first foster home I was almost shot by a little boy riding a bike who had a gun and pointed it at me through a fence. I was the only light skinned person living in an african neighborhood, and my social worker said that it probably had alot to do with it at the time, even though it is easy for everyone to get along now it wasnt the case then.
In one of my foster homes they would make me rub oil stains out with kitty litter they would have me rub a brick over the kitty litter into the stain, as well as pull weeds from the driveway with a screwdriver, probably as a means to get money and get rid of me from the house at the same time.
I went through 7 foster homes and 12 group home before I emancipated. I ran away from group homes when I was 16 and turned to prostitution when I lost my virginity as a means to make cash to survive, I figured it was better then living in group homes, I sooned found out that I had became infected with HIV, when I was 16 after and my 32 yr old boyfriend was negative, and I was pregnant with a child on the way under the influence.
I got this daughter tookin away at 5 months because of drugs, I new I couldnt take care of her, and turned her over to my sisters adoptive parent where she would have a better life.
As soon as this happened I learned my lesson and got sober. But soon after I found out I was 6weeks pregnant with a baby and decided that I would keep her and give her a life I never had. I new I wanted to name her Evangeline Aniyah Smith when I was 3months pregnant and I didnt even know she was a girl but I was hoping with all my heart and apparently I got my wish. She is now 1 1/2 and living a very good life, with a full family.
Right now I am 21 and lost, I know deep down that there is a god but I am having trouble finding him. I am stuck without a job and actively looking, I stay at home with my daughter I am currently on calworks, and paying 400.00 rent. My viral load is undetectable, and HIV Is not a death sentence anymore so I am not scared of having it. I am only scared of what people think about me, and it is now impossible to find someone to love. I do not have any family or friends besides my mother who is in a sober living home with two yrs sober, and she is know longer homeless. It feels like I am her parent though. I never felt how it feels to have a true family and that has always been my hearts desire. I got a feeling that maybe if I posted this here that someone might be able to hear me I have knowone to talk to. And the only way to change my life around is to learn to turn to god. But it is hard when you have knowone to believe in you except yourself.
I am hoping that maybe someone on hear will be able to help me I have a strong feeling that maybe I didnt find this site by fault.
I am sorry about about the long introduction, thanks for listening, I feel guilty about all these things and feel that not only was this a chance to be heard but also a chance to repent and ask for forgiveness from my lord.