I’m Scared To Be Happy

I have been doing A LOT of soul searching and looking at my life lately. It’s not that I wanted too or find it fun to pick myself apart, its that I’ve had too to save my marriage and try to move on. I was talking with a friend of mine and was telling her all my woes and she said, “Kim you are afraid to be happy!” I thought she was insane, but the more I thought about it the more I realized she was right!
In my current situation with my husband, I’m scared that if I show that I’m happy, things will be forgotten and lessons learned forgotten. I am scared that his guard will be let down and things will go back to the way they were and we will fall out of love again, because that is basically what happened.
My mom and dad loves me and loved me as a child, but my mom was a tough love person. She didn’t ooohh and goo over me (she did when I was a toddler and elementary school) like the other moms oohhed and gooeed over their kids, but when she did I knew she meant it and it meant so much more to me. I’m sure if she ooeed and gooeed over me like the other moms did their kids, I would have tired of it early, but I never did.
On the negative, I think that has a lot to do with how I am today… scared of happiness.. If things are going along good and nothing is going wrong I start to wonder when its all going to hit the fan and I get paranoid sort of. If things can go this good, something bad is fixing to happen. That is how its always been in my life.
This blog may sound like I’m all over the board, but I am just trying to decipher why I’m like I am. Maybe you can help? Maybe someone out there understands and can show me that missing piece of the puzzle? I want to be happy I DESIRE to be happy, but its scarey.

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