I need deliverance from lust, masturbation, and pornography. Since I’ve been a young girl, I became the girl that guys wanted me to be. I wore sensual clothes, flirted and manipulated guys when they approached me. I looked for their attention and welcomed how they treated me. AT the same time, I grew up isolated from people around me. I wasn’t accepted. I was made fun of and often left alone. I became an angry person; depression and fear plagued my mind every moment. Problem was, I grew up in church and hid behind religion. I was a hypocrite. A few years ago, I became sexual with a guy, who I just met, and introduced to masturbation and other sexual acts, so I can be accepted by him. Memories of what happened and things that were said still runs through my mind. I felt hurt when he rejected me despite of what I did with him. Anger, bitterness, and loneliness plagued my mind continuously. Rather then repent, I ran away from the consequences and hid behind my work. A few months after what happened, I cried out to God to forgive me of what I did.
But, I’ve been single and haven’t been in any relationship since then. I don’t know how to love another person. The same thing that I loathed myself for doing with that guy is what I find myself doing now. I’ve been engaging in masturbation, most recently pornography. It is out of control. I feel empty and sad inside after each act. Right now, in my 20s, I have built up walls around my heart. From appearance, I look like I’m ok, hiding behind the nice-girl image. But inside, I’m not. I pray to God all the time. At the same time, in my heart, I just don’t think He will accept a girl like me. Lately, I have doubts of being saved. I’ve been contemplating suicide a few times. It hurts so much. I need to be delivered. I’ve been suffering in silence. Please pray for me.