Please help. I don’t know where to go.

Hey people,

Ok let me tell you a story. Since i became a christian i had a bad battle with pornography and i have been trying to break free of it. From time to time i would be free (4 days’s) but it won’t be permanent because i knew that god was coming second in my life and i was not doing it for god except for a girl i liked. I wanted to be free because i hated what i had become and it was really hurting me. After a while after placing God second i decided to continue in my “self gratification”. A few months later (last October i had a strange dream). I was on this hill with my graduating classes like on camp and this storm came. This storm for some reason i was really scared of. Like i mean freaking out scared. But anyway this storm passed to the west of us and we diddn’t get hit by anything. Now soon after the storm stopped and came towards me. Like i was on the ground crying and repenting for everything ive done and then i heard or saw the word’s (i can’t quite remember) “Do it again and i will destroy you”. I stopped for about 2 day’s before continueing again, just more wary. After a while i diddn’t think much or it and then because of my moral attidues i did somthing really stupid. I judged people which i NOW KNOW IS WRONG! I lost 1 friend who i had been friends since year 7 and lost another friend 2 day’s later in a fight that i started. My third best friend i pushed away because i don’t wanto hurt her. 3 of my closed friends gone in 3 days. Then i realised what god said and he meant it 100%. He targeted somthing that is closest to me which is my friends and took them away. I hated him for it. I hated my self. I hated this life and that’s where we are atm. My life is upside down and the problem is that my heart is hard and all im asking from you people is that you can ask in faith that you can help me soften my heart and that i can finally place god in the fount of my life. I’m really lonley for a decent companion and that’s one of the main reason why i place my frends and relationships in my life before god. People who read that porn is good, IT’S WRONG. DON’T DO IT. Prayer would be helped and i would really really really appriciate it. I wanto change, but i can’t. I so hate myself for what i have done and i cannot change it by myself but through god anything can happen and that’s the only hope i have atm.

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