My past is the perfect example of the words “messed up”. My life was a total wreck that Jesus had a plan for, long before I even knew Him. Being one of the girls, in primary school, who would take part in the prestigious activities, who would have guessed what was going on in my life, in my mind – on the inside? Inside there was a lonely child, afraid to reveal who she was for fear of ridicule – the order of the day in my life – for fear of being judged and for fear of being rejected.
Most evenings after school, a relative of mine would fondle me and touch me in ways I was scared of at first, but learned to appreciate after a while. Constantly longing for that touch, which said “you are so beautiful that I can’t help touching you”, I would allow the boys at school to fondle me in a similar but less intense way. When he left, there was still that desire to be “loved”, so I utilized my own methods of finding pleasure – whatever it took, I had to be stimulated.
I went to spend time in the house that my relative moved to (my parents allowed this because they had no idea of what was taking place). There the same relative as well as another relative of mine raped me. On returning home, the battle in my mind started, I was just about to begin High School.
Daily I would wonder if I’m pregnant or suffering from any kind of disease. Crying was a part of everyday in my life. The only method of not showing my fears, my pain or simply revealing me, was by being as aggressive and ugly as a significant person in my life always told me I was, by shutting people out of my life completely, by showing an arrogant side, a fearless side that no one dears to even come too close to, while on the inside was bitterness, resentment, confusion and hatred.
By the time I was thirteen I had already, accepted the Lord and I got baptized – everything wrong will stop – or so I thought, attempted suicide quite a number of times, done a pap smear which informed my mother of my involvement in sexual intercourse and was probably the most scared girl alive whose alibi against hurt was to ignore my feelings, get guys to want me then hurt them or just drop them. But I was really afraid of guys, skeptical towards every member of the opposite sex that I knew and yet still I desired constant stimulation from the opposite sex. By this age, I already had many intense sessions of passionate making out – with my sister’s ex-boyfriend. I knew what it felt like to do everything that leads up to having sex but fortunately enough I didn’t have sex.
The few things I remember about my fourth form year is that while being looked upon as one of the intellects in all my classes, I was struggling with low self-esteem – which was the root of all my other problems. I also remember that it was in the summer of that year that I met my best friend, who has had a positive impact on my life for the few years we have known each other. I also remember when I went to my mother one morning, crying because of the dream I got, that I might have a disease or that I might be pregnant, and I told her that the relative who lived with us for a while molested me once. I was anticipating a mother’s hug, a mother’s love and sympathy that proved ineffectual when she said to me “If a neva one t’ing, I woulda buss yu ass”. I separated myself from everyone I knew (even those who thought I was close to them), which was the only obvious remedy – at that time, to heal me, build my self esteem and prevent future hurt – once again that was a lie from Satan.
My best friend, whom I still thank for being available to God and for being patient with me, endured pain, embarrassment and guilt that I threw in his face because of self- pity and jealousy. After a few years of learning and understanding God I know that he was placed strategically into my life for the main purpose of shedding some light on the beauty that was placed in me when God created me in His image.
In fifth form, at age sixteen, I decided to become or better yet, God called me to become a true child of His instead of a “traditional Christian”, some of the members of the I.S.C.F. (Inter School Christian Fellowship) in my High School played an integral role in my positive Spiritual movement – once again God was evident in my recovery, He placed people in my life, people who loved me enough to listen to me, to pray for me and to put up with the misery which is an obvious part of my life.
Since then, I have been delivered from my past and don’t you dare try to convince me, that I am not a very beautiful individual. I have asked God to cleanse me and to remove all the scars and the emotional attachments that came along with being involved with another person. I also asked Him to close any openings that will give rise to demonic interferences in my life. I glory in the fact that God always hears my prayers and He had a plan for me before I even knew it. Another reason for which I am grateful to God is that He told me the reason for the course my life took – everything that happened to me, in my past, happened so that I can help and comfort someone going through something similar.
If you are going through a rough time in your life or if you know someone battling with any kind of sexual immortality (whether a rape victim, a victim of a one night stand or a nymphomaniac) don’t pity them, pray for them, be patient with them, love them you will get through to them by simply being there. Keep in mind that it will not be easy all the time but if God says go, then there’s no reason for you not to. For the victim of abuse who is suffering from the pain, don’t give in to the lies from the enemy, he only wants to kill you. Psychologists and councilors usually encourage you to speak to someone about your problem – not someone who will tell everyone, but someone who’ll encourage you, someone who’ll pray with and for you – and here I am, I’m not a psychologist, I am simply a child who’s been there, who knows how it is to cry all night and be ridiculed all day, who knows emptiness and loneliness even when I’m in a crowd, who knows how it feels to think that the only person who cares or understands what I’m feeling is me and I’m also aware of the questions concerning who to trust, here I am, encouraging you to speak to a trusted person (who will help you to pray), pray for yourself – who says you can’t ? they’re lying!!! – and be encouraged, because God is working it out for your good – just trust Him.
I just can’t give up now
I’ve come too far from where I started from
Nobody told me, the road would be easy
And I don’t believe He’s brought me this far to leave me.
If you want to contact me, you can email: [email protected]