The way I found God is not the typical story about a church going boy
who one day knew of the presence of a higher power and asked Him to work
within me and shape me to be the man that He wanted me to be. My
walk with Christ was a struggle and battle to find Him for myself.
Although I always knew He existed and was looking over me, the decision
to finally accept Him and His will for me was based on many varying situations.
In the early years of my life I went to church on Sunday and said my
prayers before I went to bed, but other than that I could have cared less.
To me, God seemed to be a place to ask for things that I never really hoped
to get. I would pray that my family would get more money or that
people would stop picking on me at school, but these things never happened,
so I quit asking for these things. Then my brother was born.
He was a four month preemie and the doctors told us that we should pick
a name that was special because he was probably never going to see the
inside of our house. He would never see his room. During these
nights we would pray for hours and hours. We would pray until midnight
and then continue to pray that somehow my brother would be able to come
home to us. My brother is twelve now and has more energy than my
family and I combined, but this still did not open my eyes to the power
and endless love that God has for me. You see after that my brother
was born that is when the fighting began. It was at this time that
my father left our house and moved away.
The divorce did not really bother me because he was very seldom home.
He always seemed to be off on a business trip and only visited us for the
weekend. I hated to think that God wanted me to go through this.
I hated the fact that I had to sneak out of my house in the morning to
go to school because if I didn’t then I might get trapped in the middle
of one of my parents’ fights. Why was I the one that had to explain
to my brother why they were mad at each other. I was ten years old
and already had to be a caretaker. At the age of ten I spent more
time shielding my brother from seeing and hearing the fighting than I did
running outside and spending time with my friends. Where was this
God that promised happiness?
As time passed by I grew farther and farther away from God, but every
once in a while I would say a prayer or ask Him to look out for me, but
I never expected anything to come of it. Nothing did come of it either.
Every time I went and visited my dad, I came home feeling worthless and
like a failure. He never said he was proud of me. He never
took the time to say I was doing well; instead, he always told me where
I screwed up and where I needed to be doing better. He felt that
it was too late to have a relationship with me because I knew the truth
behind the divorce. I knew that he failed to fulfill his vows to
my mother. I knew and that made it impossible for us to have a positive
relationship. I used my job to stay away from visits and over time
we grew apart. I lived a life without a father. This is when
I felt the emptiness in my life. It was on this day I went to the
local bookstore and picked up the book that pulled my life into focus.
There was nothing special about this book. It just told of the
life of Jesus and how every time he faced a challenge he did not have to
call on God to solve his problem. It talked about how Jesus remained
sinless by using his powers of faith. Although he always had the
ability to ask God to solve all of his struggles, he used the powers of
the ordinary man to resolve the conflicts he faced. He acted in a
way that I could for the remainder of my life and then I too could have
and eternal place with God in heaven. Although I made this realization,
I still hesitated to ask God to begin working within me. I hesitated
to turn my life over to Him.
I did, however, start to turn my life around. I said that no matter
what I need to have a father. I quit my job and started to visit
him more and more often. He still never seemed to be able to say
that he was proud of me, but I did not care. I needed him to be a
part of my life and see what I was doing because somehow I was going to
make sure that he noticed how hard I was trying to forget the past and
start a new life with him as my dad. It was at this time that I read
another book about the endless love that God has for His children.
How no matter what they do He will always take them back into His love.
I figured that this was how I should be. No matter what someone does
to me, I should always be able to accept him or her for the good things
they bring to my life.
Things did not get better though and I really did start to doubt my
decision to quit work and try to let my dad back into my life. I
would get jealous because every time I went up to his house I would be
an outsider, watching the perfect family of a mother, a father, and one
son, but I was not allowed to be a part of this place. That weekend
I returned to my house and climbed into bed for the night and just said
I give up. I looked up into the sky and asked God “Why?” Then
as if out of the blue I looked back over to my bookshelf and saw the two
books sitting there on the shelf. I thought for a while and then
went downstairs and pulled out the bible from the shelf it was on.
I read from it for hours and everything slowly cleared up. It was
at this time that I finally asked God to step in and help me. I told
Him that I wanted to hand my life over to Him. I wanted Him to be
the father that I turned to when my life was troublesome because I knew
that somehow I could never fail Him if I followed His rules. He would
always be proud of me and I could always trust Him to take care of my family
My story does not end there though. A week after turning my life
over to Christ I got a phone call. It was my dad. I picked
up the receiver and said Hello. The voice on the other end surprised
me because he never called to talk to me. I waited for his reply
and he said these words to me?
“I just called to say I am proud of you”