He taught me who I am…
The story of a woman’s fight from Fear and the New Age Deception
Before you read through this book, I want you to be aware. Aware that there is a God, aware that he has a son called Jesus Christ who died on the cross for our sins and know that I believe that Jesus Christ is Lord – my Lord and the Lord of all creation.
It sounds pretty serious and exactly what a religious person may say but most of what i’m about to write in this book is supernatural, based on all of the above beliefs. It is a book about my personal experiences and what happened to me. It is all true, it happened exactly as I am going to explain it and it was very hard to walk through at times. At other times it was joyful and exciting.
The experiences I have had as a Christian have been amazing. Both good and bad but still, through it all I grew and became the person I am today. I’m still a ‘work in progress’ and have so many more experiences to walk through.
It was the awareness that I had about God and Jesus that got me through all that I went through over the past 7 years. If it wasn’t for my faith I would have perished spiritually, and who knows maybe mentally to.
My experience is unique but definitely not unusual. Many people get deeply involved in situations that are beyond their control, like I did, and have no earthly way to get out of it – that is where God and his almighty power comes in.
I want you to believe, I want you to be warned about certain dangers, I want you to come away from this book more secure in the knowledge of God and what he can do in a person’s life – what he did in my life.
Feel free to search your heart and mind, your spirit and your beliefs as you read through my story.
The Beginning
In my late teens and early 20’s I had quite a few Christians cross my path. I liked what they had to say but I didn’t believe that it was for me. I never really considered becoming a Christian but believed that Jesus was real. As an example, there was the time when I was about 19. I had just changed bedrooms in the house and on the first night, my boyfriend and I both had an attack in our sleep and we couldn’t move or speak to ask each other for help. Out of my subconscious I said “In the name of Jesus I command you to be gone” and the attack stopped. We both woke up at the same time only to tell the same story. Over the years there were a few weeks where I would really seek some kind of spiritual fulfillment, something that might even fill the void that I felt in my life. I enjoyed reading the psalms on the very rare occasion but it rarely made sense to me. The only one that I could relate to was found in the book of Proverbs “every heart knows it’s own joy but only it can know it’s own pain”. I found that every time I picked up a bible I’d feel overwhelmed by the formal, old school language. So I gave up. I recall telling a good friend of mine that I had decided to read the bible as though it was a novel. We were in a pub at the time and he looked at me as though I’d gone batty. But I’d always believed in Jesus. When I was 18-19 I was working with a great group of people at a large telecommunications company. Five out of the group were born again Christians and they were not shy in telling me about the Gospel – I still didn’t get it but was always full of questions, cynical questions but I was interested nonetheless.
One afternoon, my friend had leant me her walkman to listen to while I was working and there was Christian music playing. After about ten minutes of listening to the soothing, gentle music I felt a jolt on my right shoulder, like an electric shock. I knew that it was spiritual and believed that I had just been ‘touched by God’. I was so excited and immediately told my Christian workmates. They were all really excited for me and after work I even went to a Christian bookshop with a friend but as soon as we walked in the door I lost the excitement and said ‘lets go’. It’s amazing how quickly the enemy gets his foot in eh. Well, that was the start of a long walk for me. I believe that as that jolt touched my body, it was God’s seal upon me. I believe it was the Lord finally touching my life with his Holy Spirit. Enabling me to believe in him just a little bit more each time I needed to. He was ever so gentle to me throughout those years and I was really grateful to those
Christians who were not shy to share about their faith and their love for the Lord. They were true witnesses to the love of God and put up with my endless questioning the whole time, without getting too frustrated with me.
For a long time I had been silently crying out for Him. For a spiritual fulfillment and feeling of something more than what I had in my life, something of Heaven. All along, without knowing it I was calling out for my Father… My Father who art in heaven… hallowed be his name….and his kingdom did come, his will was done, on earth as it was in heaven –
For my life that is.
Over a space of about 3 years, I was being told by Christians that Jesus was real and I believed them. A friend from work, Josie, was a wonderful Evangelist and always asked me to her church. After many weeks of putting her off, I finally went. It was awesome! That night there was a concert and the music was loud and wonderful and the singing amazing. I had a great night. At the end, the pastor gave an altar call and my heart started thumping, my palms sweating. I knew that I had to go to the altar and say the sinners prayer, give my heart to Jesus and that my life would improve from then on. I obeyed and that night God completed the seal that He had placed upon my life that afternoon at work and I invited Jesus Christ into my heart to be my Lord and Savior. It was 1999 and I was 21 years old.
Then I went to the pub to feed my gambling addiction.
Sad but true, I had just made the most important decision of my whole life and went straight back to my old ways. No, I didn’t really realise what a huge decision giving your heart to the Lord was, but nonetheless, I went back to my old life without even hesitating.
The previous years had been hard for me because I was in a negative relationship, I fell pregnant with my beautiful daughter, who was born in 1998, and my finances were messy because of my gambling addiction. I was suffering from depression because of the emotional damage of my past and my current relationship. I was also smoking too much and my self worth and self esteem was nil. In the first few months of my conversion I tried to pray, tried to find that spirituality I so desired but to no avail.
Shortly after giving my heart to Jesus, I started to move away from the Christian message and more into the New Age Philosophy. My flatmate had just visited a psychic and had brought home a lovely little crystal which was wrapped in a velvet bag. I thought it was sweet so decided to go to her psychic.
All during this time I wanted something more out of life and started to write poetry as an outlet for my frustration which I found really fulfilling. I hadn’t realised that I had a gift for poetry until this time. I wonder if this gift was given to me at conversion? I’m not sure but I kept a notebook full of poems that expressed the way I was feeling, the questions I had about why I was going through all that I was and many poems about who I wanted to become and where I felt I was heading.
All the while, my addiction was ruling my life. I was ready for something else to rule my life. I didn’t realise it at the time but I was hungry for Jesus. By this stage, I knew that Jesus was real and I had already asked him into my heart and life but it seemed that the more I delved into the New Age, the less I was told about Jesus. I didn’t understand that part of it because I was under the impression that the New Age philosophy and visiting Psychic’s were all a part of Christianity – I had absolutely no idea that I was on a very dangerous road.
Because of my gambling addiction and the emotionally unstable relationship I was in, I wanted a hope that my future was going to be better than my present life and believed that a psychic had a hotline to God and could foresee my future. I visited about 4 in total but they were all vague about my future. They said things that were interesting but it just didn’t fit who I was so I couldn’t imagine the future they were describing. Not one of them said that my future was going to be bad, and to my relief none of them saw me with the partner I was with at the time. Some of the things they said were valid and encouraging. One psychic in particular had a real knack for pointing out my strengths and gave me hope. She said that I had real potential and that I will be a great psychic if I wanted to develop that gift. I told her that I’d love to so she proceeded to introduce me to two of my ‘spirit guides’ and gave me their names, complete with where they lived in their past lives etc. It was fascinating and I felt comforted to know that I was ‘being looked after’ by two male ‘spirit guides’. She also offered me a cassette tape which had ‘subliminal messages’ built into the soothing, calming music. I thought this was great and left very happy. She also told me that the ‘spirit guides’ wanted me to go straight to a bookshop and buy a journal so that I could write down what they told me about the secrets of the universe every night when I spent time with them.
I didn’t hear anything about Jesus during this time, not that I remember anyway. It was all about the New Age and things that made me feel good. I was out drinking every weekend with my flatmate while my parents looked after my daughter. I was gambling every spare cent. I would get paid, buy nappies, smokes and petrol and the rest would go into the pokie machines. It was great when I won hundreds of dollars but inevitably most of it went right back where it came from – minus a few nice toys and outfits for my baby.
My relationship was getting worse and we were going through a real rough patch so we ‘had a break’. It was during this time that I met a beautiful man that I absolutely adored. He was tall, dark and owned his own business – he also had a girlfriend. I was smitten by him so would go out every weekend hoping to ‘catch up’ with him. We got on really well so it kept my mind off of the man I’d left. It didn’t last long but gave me confidence to feel pretty again. I was happy and enjoying things in my life. I had lost a lot of weight and had started to receive a lot of male attention. I felt as though I had my ‘spiritual walk’ underway and had finally moved out of my parents house! I felt like I was accomplishing some good things in my life. The new house where I stayed was a bit scary as my flatmate had a stalker who would bang on the pipes and empty out the contents of the outdoor rubbish bin on our back doorsteps. We called the Police but they didn’t catch the culprit. After about 2 months or so of this happening and out of concern for my daughter’s safety, I advised my flatmate that I was moving out. I knew that it wasn’t a very nice thing for me to do – to leave her all alone in a house that made us both feel unsafe but I had to put my daughter first so moved back into my parent’s house.
One sweet memory I do have during this time was with my daughter. It happened not long after moving back to my parent’s home. She was just a baby in my arms at the time. She was just falling asleep it was dusk and we were in my parents lounge on a rocking chair. As far as I can remember, no one was home. We had the house to ourselves. I was looking down at my daughter, falling in love all over again and all of a sudden I started singing “Amazing Grace”. During the second line of the song, I had a strong sense that Jesus was standing behind us, listening to me sing. I felt that He was just loving us. Just enjoying the moment along with us. Since that moment, “Amazing Grace” has had a significant part in our life. Whenever my daughter falls over or is really sad, I sing that song to her and by the second or third line, I feel a tangible warmth flow over us and she will settle. It still works to this day. This was my first special moment with Jesus.
By this time, I was listening to my meditation/subliminal tape 2-3 times a day and had added Native American chant tapes to my arsenal of ‘mind altering’ meditation music. By this time, I’d totally opened myself up to the two ‘spirit guides’ that I had allowed into my life and had also invited in more. There was one spirit that had asked me to allow it into my life who kept me cleaning. It was the weirdest thing but I HAD to clean and keep my parent’s normally less than tidy house absolutely spotless. My parents were loving it and I was feeling very spiritual that it was a ‘spirit guide’ helping me better myself.
The ‘spirit guides’ were getting me to write in my journal every night and the stuff I was writing seemed so profound at the time I’d sit there writing this stuff down, totally fascinated! These spiritual beings were enhancing my life, or so I thought, and teaching me the secrets of the universe.
I felt so free and ‘spiritually mature’ that I didn’t really notice that I was doing unusual things. One day, in the middle of the week I had the desire to drink beer, so I went down to the supermarket and brought some. I started to drink it and offered some to my dad but he said no. I did this again a few times after that and thought nothing of having a beer during the week. Now, this may be normal for some people, but for me, it was very unusual. When someone asked how I was, I’d be quick to tell them all about the joys of visiting psychics and meditating upon subliminal tapes – I even think I copied it and gave people copies. I didn’t find out until later but my Christian friends were very concerned for me during this time.
After a few weeks, my flatmate had enough of the flat I had left so I asked my parents if she could live in the vacant room downstairs. They reluctantly agreed. I’m not sure that they ever liked her but they let her stay nonetheless. They knew that I was always bringing home what they called ‘strays’ and my ex-flatmate was no different. She was also my closest friend at the time and was there at the time of my daughter’s birth. I’m not sure I’d have survived the first 2 years of motherhood without her. She had a very strong maternal instinct and absolutely adored my baby. She became the person who looked after her while I went to work for a few months and my closest confidant. She knew absolutely everything about me and I trusted her.
One night at my parent’s house, she came into my bedroom upstairs and we were having a nice time, talking about things and enjoying general chit chat when all of a sudden I began to feel very weird. The only way I could describe it was that I was taking the backseat in my mind. I felt very pushed aside as the ‘spirit guides’ took control. They told my flatmate that they had a visitor for her, someone who she had known but had died years earlier. This person was a very close friend of my flatmate and she started to cry. The ‘spirit guide’ and my flatmate spoke for about 30 minutes, all the while I was just letting it all happen, feeling very spiritually mature and important that I’d been used to bring a word from the other side.
After this, my flatmate left my room and I went to bed. I closed my eyes and asked that the voices and spirits leave me. I still felt as though I was being controlled by something from the spirit world and was tired. I’d had enough and wanted it all to stop so I could go to sleep because I had to work in the morning. It didn’t stop. It got worse, the very noticeable voices in my head were not stopping and I froze when I felt hands moving over my body, not one pair of hands, but many. This was becoming very scary and I felt very out of control. I told these things to stop but it only got worse. My skin started moving as though someone was rubbing their hands along my back, legs and other, more personal parts of my body. This was freaky and I was very quickly being filled with a terrifying feeling that I had just done something very dangerous. Something extremely stupid. This may sound funny, but I was so terrified that I jumped into bed with my parents – at the age of 22 to find comfort because I was so scared. I didn’t sleep a wink that whole night and when I got up to go to work, the feeling of fear was beginning to get stronger. I had a strong feeling as I lay there, that I would never be the same again. It was Thursday, I was 22 and the year was 2000.
During work on Thursday I was telling my Christian friend everything. I told her all about what had happened the night before and she was worried for me. Not only did I feel terrifying fear, I also looked scared. My eyes were wide and fearful looking and I couldn’t sit still because the spirits that I’d opened my body up to were harassing me. It sound’s like something out of a horror movie but it was very, very real. She was worried for me but felt that there wasn’t much she could do so I phoned the phychic that had given me the meditation/subliminal tape – once I told her what had happened she sounded perplexed and told me to tell those spirits harassing me to go towards the light. Other than that, she was no help and didn’t sound concerned about the damage she’d caused me at all. I have never spoken to her again.
That day after work, I didn’t want to be alone due to the fear I was feeling so I left my baby at my parent’s house and went to visit my ex-partner. I told him what had happened and he looked confused. He didn’t get it but was so happy to see me again that he tried to understand. I lay down on his bed and pulled up my top so that he could see my stomach. I told him to feel my tummy (I have no idea why I did this, maybe to prove to him that something was causing my skin to crawl?) and he placed his hands, which filled the whole area, on my tummy. We both freaked out when my stomach started to move, like something out of the movie Aliens. After that, he suggested I have a bath to relax because he could see how tense and afraid I was. The bath lasted 2 minutes because the towel fell from the towel rack for no reason and I thought that a ghost had moved it.
Keep in mind that apart from giving my heart to Jesus a year before, I didn’t know much about demons and angels, God and the power available to his Children and had no idea what was going on – I was soon to learn exactly what I had done but had to go through some terrifying days and nights first.
The first night after those things had taken control of my body was spent at my ex-boyfriends house. He was quickly becoming my rock during this time. He was so kind and considerate, caring and concerned. Even though we still had issues it was him that I needed to be with. So, I stayed at his house with my daughter and tried to sleep. I think I averaged about 2 hours sleep that following week. I smoked a lot and didn’t eat a thing. I was living on fear and had no idea what to do to stop it. He had to leave at 1am to work his night shift job so I asked my brother to get out of bed and come over to look after me. He was so sweet about it and dutifully came to stay with me – we watched silly talk shows and he tried to make me laugh but it just wasn’t going to happen. I was too scared to be happy but I am so grateful to him for that night. He was such a warrior in my eyes, protecting me from the hidden, unseen dangers I’d opened my life up to.
On the second day, both my father and my boyfriend had a thought planted into their mind to visit a church. My father hadn’t acted upon that thought but my boyfriend did. He visited a church close to his work and told them what was happening. They were really concerned for me and told him that they would come around to pray for me that evening.
During that day, a good friend who had been told what was going on prayed with me and told me that I had to submit myself to Jesus. She also told me not to be alone until I felt stronger. After we had prayed together, I went outside on the lawn. It was a beautiful day and I sat down, cross legged. My hair was really long at the time and I vividly remember the heat of the summer sun beating down on me, my hair flowing over my face. It was a nice feeling and I felt peaceful for a moment. I clasped my hands together and over and over again said “I submit myself to you Jesus”. It was a life defining moment which I will never, ever forget.
From there things started become clearer. The magnitude of the mess I was in was starting to dawn on me, but a new hope was growing. I was beginning to hope that maybe Jesus who I had just submitted myself fully to (and sincerely meaning every word) would help me. That night, the Christian people from the Church my boyfriend had visited came over. I was still under the impression that I had picked up a ‘spirit’ that was once a person who wouldn’t leave because it still had issues. I had no idea that I had opened my life up to many, many demons and they were on a mission to ruin me and get me to forfeit the commitment I’d made to Jesus a year before. The Christian ministers informed me of this fact and funnily enough it made sense. It was a relief to think that if it was a demon or two that maybe, just maybe these people could help me get rid of it so that I could be happy again and not scared. They prayed over me and told these demons to leave but for some reason, these demons just manifested and caused me to screech like an angry witch and make grotesque faces at everyone in the room. It was quite embarrassing – not that I had any right to that emotion!
My dear father sat through about 20 minutes of this but could take no more. He had to leave the room and I heard later that he was crying. My father was my hero and could help me out of any mess I got myself into up until now. It scared him and made him feel helpless that he couldn’t help me this time – this time it was only my Heavenly Father who could help. It hurt me to see my dad so concerned and scared but I had absolutely no control over what was happening. I’d given my control over to these horrific demons and they were taking full advantage of it.
After about 2 hours of trying to get these demons out of me, the ministers were pretty tired and said that there was nothing more they could do. They left, promising that they would pray for me and to this day I am very grateful for them. The best thing they did was leave me a card with the name of a local minister Paul Simpson. Little did Paul know that I would soon be introducing myself to him – at 1am the next morning.
That night, when everyone had left and my daughter was safely tucked up in her cot I asked my boyfriend to scratch my back. I noticed that he only had one hand free at the time so he used that to start scratching. Imagine how loud my scream was when I felt two hands on my back scratching! It woke up my baby. That night, my boyfriend had the scariest nightmare he’d ever had. He dreamt that he was being dragged through the hallways of hell by a bat-like demon. He woke up sweating and just as scared as me. This was becoming all too real for him and he wasn’t sure he liked what he was experiencing. Nonetheless, he stayed with me through it all and gave his heart to Jesus not long after.
On the third morning I took my friends advice and made sure that I wasn’t alone. I was beginning to understand that this had nothing to do with ‘dead people’ who you talked to – this was demonic and evil and the only person who could help me out of this mess was Jesus Christ. I had received this knowledge shortly after my time on the lawn the day before, and from what the Christian ministers had told me. I was a fast learner. I had to be. The third morning was a Saturday and my workmate, out of concern for the change she’d seen in me, had arranged that I meet with her Pastor. I had to be at his house at 8.30am but was out of my house by 7am. I hadn’t slept much at all the night before, maybe I’d been blessed with 20-30 minutes of deep sleep just before dawn. I drove around a bit, trying to waste time before 8.30. I brought a newspaper hoping that would take my interest but to no avail. I couldn’t contain my impatience and knocked on their door at 7.45am, getting them out of bed. They were very gracious and once the grogginess of sleep left them were lovely. They must have prayed before I got there because, even though I have no recollection of them helping me with the demons, from that day I had an intense desire to read the Bible, and to top it off – I could understand it! It was a miracle. From that day on, I consumed the Word of God and couldn’t get enough of it!
That night and the next were much the same. I could sense and feel demonic activity everywhere. I could see shadows when my eyes were opened and also when they were closed. I must have opened myself up to hundreds of them! During this time I had a very scary experience. My boyfriend had reluctantly gone to work at 1am. He’d just finished having 2 days off and was looking after me with loving concern, being the strong angel I needed at the time. I heard his car leave and sat there, trying to focus on the TV and not think of anything that could happen to me. I then sat up in total fear as I heard three very loud knocks on the window behind me. This was too much for me! I was scared out of my wits and knew that what had banged on the window was not of human origin – it was one o’clock in the morning! As my boyfriend was living with his mother at the time, I was comforted to know that I wasn’t totally alone in the house but she was fast asleep and didn’t really understand what was happening to me. She was protected from it which was great for her but I didn’t know what to do… I prayed. I asked God to help me. It was then that I had the thought to grab the card of Paul Simpson and phone him. I usually wouldn’t think of ringing anyone at this time of the night but I didn’t know what else to do. So I phoned him. I introduced myself, told him that I was really sorry for phoning him and waking him up and to my surprise he said it was OK. I had once phoned a dentist at that time and I didn’t get the same reaction as you can imagine! Paul was just amazing. He listened to me. Really listened and all the time, made sympathetic noises as though to say that he understood exactly what I was going through. This was so encouraging and I was starting to feel hope that maybe there was someone out there that could help with what I’d done to myself. At
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