As far back as I can remember I have always had a rather unusual life. My mother was an alcoholic and wasn’t around much. I was left to care for my two younger brothers while our mother went from bar to bar. Occasionally she would bring men back home with her. She would bring them to our home in the middle of the night while my brothers and I were sleeping just a few doors away. It probably goes without saying that a few of them weren’t very friendly.
Growing up in this kind of environment takes a toll on a child. I became very angry; angry with everyone that was around and everyone that wasn’t. Most of the time I felt very alone. Along with my mothers drinking came a very short fuse and a volatile temper. Beatings became a regular occurrence, along with verbal abuse. I remember being called horrible names by her, and she was supposed to love me no matter what; what was I to think. I was angry, I was alone, and I was scared. After fifteen years of enduring every king of abuse imaginable you could probably guess how depressed I was. I wanted to die. For what I could see I had no more reason to live. Life to me was a worse punishment than death could ever bring. I can remember nights when all I could do is cry and beg a God that at the time I didn’t believe in to take me out of such a miserable existence. By the age of 23 I was struggling through college, and I had a husband and a child of my own to care for. But I couldn’t see through the cloud of depression in front of me. I had so much, but I just couldn’t see it. I wanted so much for someone to just love me, but I was lost in a deep depression. I felt hopeless, alone, afraid, abandoned, and worn thin. I just couldn’t take anymore that life had to dish out. Over the years I had attempted suicide several times. But every time there was someone there that reached out and pulled me back. Depression is a deep and dark place that no one should have to survive through. But fortunately for me I survived.
November 2005 there came a change in my life like no other. I will never forget that day. The day I meet the one person that loves me no matter what. It actually all started the weekend before, Halloween weekend. I was sick and couldn’t take my son out, so his father went with him and I was home alone. I was running a fever, and couldn’t get out of bed for the entire weekend. I can’t remember anything about Friday and Saturday; must have slept through those two days entirely. But by Sunday I was feeling better. I had a pretty normal Sunday at home with my family. As the day winded down I put my son to bed early for school the next day. I had class early the next morning so I decided to go to bed early myself.
After I had been in bed for about ten minuets or so I found myself talking to God. As every other night I had spent asking God to take me out of a horrible life. But this time I wanted more; I wanted to know why. Why did I have to live like this? Why did I have to go through so many horrible things? I asked God to show me; I had no idea what I was asking for but I wanted to see. I just kept asking over and over again show me, show me, show me. I felt myself start to drift away; I felt completely relaxed and it felt as if the world around me were gone. I didn’t feel the bed underneath me or the wind form the fan beside my bed. Everything was gone, I know I wasn’t asleep. I don’t know how I knew but I just did. And in a flash I was standing in front of the double window that was in my room. Every thing around me was bright. So bright; an unending light. It seemed to come from every where and nowhere. And I was suddenly aware of someone behind me. But I couldn’t move; I couldn’t turn my head to see who was with
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I testify to God's unfailing love!
I can testify to God's unfailing love! I was born into an alcoholic home, but I have been given a gift from as far back as I can remember, I have had an awareness of God even as a child. I can remember the days of innocence, being amazed by God through being aware of His holy presence in His creation.
My life's story has been one of rebellion. I have looked for love in all the wrong places. I left home at 16, was pregnant at 17. I named my baby girl, Charity Dawn (in her little life, God's LOVE dawned on me). She was born with a serious congenital heart defect. I didn't know that the word charity in the old english, meant LOVE (1 Cor. 13:13), but I started to attend church during her first year of life. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour and was baptized at the age of 18,(October 1976) and my precious daughter died after her second open heart surgery on November 13, 1976 just prior to my 19th birthday. To make the story short.....I entered into a path of rebellion against God, I was angry, I (in my ignorant state of comprehension) felt abandoned. I used alcohol to numb the pains and deal with the disappointments that life threw at me. I thought I was okay, I functioned somewhat normally, I married, had two beautiful children only to crash after a 14 year marriage, and I took off in "self will run riot" yet again, and found myself broken and entered into a women's recovery house. I began a spiritual program of recovery. I have now been clean & sober (by the grace of God) for almost 11 years now.
During the first 5 years of my recovery, I lost my step-father and second husband to cancer, but by God's grace, I didn't use any substance to cope. God gave me a most awesome gift! He gave me the strength to assist my husband through his battle against cancer, God used this situation to show His direct involvement in our lives. It was the most HOLY experience I have ever been apart of! My husband was pallitive, I cared for him at home through the whole process of his surrender and death. Three days before my husband died, he said..."when it comes to the end all that matters is our relationship with God and others, the love we give and receive is all that we leave and take." I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus Christ was speaking with my husband while he lay dying an hour before he died. My husband was coherent through his whole process, and at one point he said outloud...."No I don't want the water, I asked for my life back, and now you're offering me water"! (Jesus Christ it the only one who offers us waters of everlasting life), so I know he was speaking to Christ. He went into a dialogue with Christ (I could tell by his body language that he was conversing) but I knew intuitively that I wasn't supposed to over hear my husbands part of the conversation, I sat away and waited for about 45 minutes then went back to my husband's side to reassure him that I was there. He said in the most clear, strong, but humble voice...."Please, give me the water". When he said that, his eyes opened wide....and as he breathed in a slow deep breath, he was completely consumed by complete joy/ecstasy (it was holy) and as he was doing this, the smile on his face grew and grew, then he breathed out and let go and left this physical realm. He died with a smile on his face. I know that this physical exsistence is not the end! In God's time, we will go to our real home!
For those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour, there is a future beyond here and now!
The story of my life is an "unfolding" and even though I have made poor choices, I have sinned over and over again, God has never left me, he has continued to work in my heart and my whole life finally crashed this year (I can relate to being broken). Yet again another failed relationship, I was fired (for the first time in my life) from my job. I dropped to my knees and cried out to God, There is so much more (I would have to write a book) to the process that has happened since April 2007....it's amazing how God has shown his love, answered prayers and is revealing himself. His call to me is that he desires me intimately!
No matter how broken my heart has been, no matter how badly I have believed others have betrayed me, ect....I learned that ultimately....I did those very things to GOD! It was I who have broken God's heart, betrayed HIM, rejected HIM ect., so now in that realization, I have confessed my sins, repented and am looking to God and trusting HIM for all the answers.
I have given him every area of my life, I am His work in progress. I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST and not living as I used to, not making choices I used to, not deciding how I would live as I used to! I have been asked to help in a christian recovery house for women that is in the plans of opening. I continue to give this hope to God, that if this is the place he sets me to be a blessing to others for His glory, that this takes place.
So please be encouraged! Accept being broken, cry out to God, open your heart, repent and mean it! God will do the work that He has planned. My sins have been like the putting on of the layers of an onion skin, my recovery & relationship with God has been like an UN-Layering of the sins as of the layers of the skins of an onion too. My spiritual process has taken 31 years (thus far), but through it I have a God given experience, strength and hope to share. Praise God, that he never fails, that what he begins in us...will come into completion. Don't loose faith in God, He won't fail you! Continue to "trudge the narrow path to happy destiny".
Remember, that what satan intends for harm, God intends for good!
God bless you and keep you! Sincerely, in Christ, Debra
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