Hurt And Depression

Transformed by God's Love

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

This is a solid promise from God, one that lots of Christians rest on. When we look at our lives, sometimes things look like so much chaos. (Especially at times in our lives when the future is blank, when you're about to have a child, when you're starting a new career, or going to college, like I'm about to do.) Looking back, the most wonderful realization is when you see that God had a plan in your life all along. That He was working things out, even when you thought He had left you, even when you thought you had left Him.

Some people's testimonies are like fireworks; darkness for a long time, then all of a sudden there's bright lights, and their lives are never the same. That's awesome. Those stories and the people that embody them are wonderful witnesses to God's power. However, my testimony isn't like that. God has pulled me to Himself with cords of love, so subtly that I almost didn't
notice at the time.

As a child, my parents were "church-goers". We were very regular about attending service, and I learned much about Bible stories and God. I thought I loved Him, but I had no thought of a relationship with a living God or what loving Jesus really meant.

When I was in fourth grade, something happened that would help form my personality and change my world forever. My parents got divorced. This changed my life and left scars that I am still working through, but God used it for good. It helped make me who I am today, the bad, but also made part of the good things of my charecter. Also, during the process, my mother
became a Christian. This led to my exposure to true Christianity. Some time later, I found a tract in her bathroom. After reading through it, I prayed the prayer on the back twice, just to let God know I really meant it. I was still very ignorant about Him, and I had almost no realization of the depth of what I had just done.

Throughout elementary school, I made very little spiritual progress. I was bitter and hurt over both my parents' divorce and the disappointment resulting from a overly emotional dependency on people. I was going with my sister and my mom to Burke Community Church by this time, but I wasn't socially involved, and I was very indifferent about going to church at all.
In seventh grade, a friend invited me to a bible study called Saturday Night Light. They were going to a youth conference called Acquire the Fire, and I was invited to go. About a month before the conference, I started attending SNL. It was a group of Christians, all different ages, from all different denominations, that met together for fellowship, bible study, prayer, and worship. For the first time in my life I really felt the presence of God and comfortable enough to want to know more. I've had few other groups in my life that had as powerful an impact.

When we went to the conference, I was spiritually prepared for God to work. They had a alter call that weekend, and there I rededicated my life to Christ. This time I fully realized that I had to be His, not only in word, but in deed, in heart, in soul, and in mind. Love couldn't be half-way. I came home still spiritually immature, but on fire for the Lord. I attended SNL and church up until ninth grade, but SNL remained my true church home. In ninth grade, the family that led and hosted SNL moved to the west coast, and my loyalty began to change to Burke. That was the beginning of my long learning period, through which I learned to be dependant on God alone. You see, I remained emotionally dependant on people and groups for security and
stability during most of junior and senior high school. One by one, my safe-guards would crumble, and I would run back to my Abba, insecure and lonely. Through many hard lessons, spells of depression, the advise and counseling of good Christians, and the transforming power of God Himself, I came to realized that God was the only stable thing in life. Through years, I'm coming to realize that He alone can fill me, complete me, and change me into all I could ever want to be.

Since then, it's been a walking out of my faith, learning new things, as I go, and working out problems with my Abba as I see them arise. This year, He's brought me to realize that when I see who He is inside me, and as I learn who I am in Him, He will work through me to do the work He wants done. It's so freeing to realize that the only thing God desires of me is my ultimate love of Him and the working out of my love through obedience. Looking forward, all I see is a chaotic mess. After all, I am a work in progress. But I hang on to God's promise that in the end, I'll see a wonderful design.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those
who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...." Isaiah 61:3
 

Link to Jill's testimony