Is God detectable? I know He is.
When I first asked the Lord to come into my life I had a double blessing. My
life, up to the age of thirty, had been a real disaster. I was an alcoholic
and had been one from an early age. Because of my situation in my early
childhood years, I had no idea what love or affection was; this gave me a
very low self esteem, and a very anti-social attitude towards life and
people.
My life had been a series of troubles. I had been in jail several times, and
also in mental hospital several times. I hated life and all those who were
involved in living it. I was married for the second time and heading for
another disaster, and I was powerless to change my life in any way. I would
lose my temper when drunk and smash not only my loved ones, but would also
smash up the house and contents. I suppose the crunch came when I was carted
off to a Doctor and it was a toss up whether he would put me back into the
mental hospital or try a new drug, which he said, I would have to take for
the rest of my life. He opted for the drug, and suddenly, after being on it
for a short while, my perspective seemed to change, just a small bit for the
better. Because the drug slowed me down, and gave me a better feeling about
myself, I had time to evaluate my life and see where I was at and where I
was going.
I had always had an envy for the people who I saw going off to church. I was
envious of their faith, and their seeming relationship with God; I was even
envious of their uneventful lives in comparison to my own turbulent one. It
was peace that I missed in my life, and because of my psychological makeup
was never going to obtain any. My life, at this time, was a mess, I could
not survive day by day without alcohol, and so was usually in a drunken
state daily. This caused, naturally, bad swings of moods, from elation, to
deep depression, and the peace that Christians appeared to me to have,
really brought a longing to my heart, but I couldn't find the way, because
my sin, to me, was to great. It wasn't just my sins that appeared too great,
but the things I felt I would have to give up if I decided to change and go
to church. These things, like alcohol, were the very things that I depended
on to survive, and so, even though I hated the way I was, giving up these
things looked even worse than changing, and so were suicidal to me.
The peace of God is a very unusual condition; it is not like the peace of
man which is like a wind, one minute it is there and the next it is gone; it
is dependant upon the emotional state of the person, while the peace which
comes from God is dependant upon the Holy Spirit being a part of your
existence; so if the Spirit guides your life then peace is always the
outcome and it cannot be taken away by outside emotions of any other kind.
Jesus said my peace I leave with you, my peace I give you, not as the world
giveth, give I to you.(John 14:27)
So even though we will have troubles and tribulations from the world of man,
that the peace of the spirit will contain us, and the joy of Jesus shall
sustain us; (John 16:20) that the peace of God is unfathomable in its
content, but powerful in its application; its application comes from Jesus
Christ, "Y'shua Sa Ha Shalom," the Prince of peace. Peace comes from knowing
we are reconciled to God because we have been granted righteousness as the
evidence of our faith, and joy follows because of our changed relationship
with the King of Kings' and the Lord of Lords'. (Romans 14:17) Having the
knowledge that all the promises of God belong to us through our faith in the
faith of Jesus, that he has been resurrected and is now seated at the right
hand of the Father. For the peace of God that passeth all understanding will
keep our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
I had always worked, even though with difficulty at times, and suddenly I
found myself, after starting on the prescribed pills, talking to God as I
drove to work. I even at times pulled over to the side of the road and
talked to God and it gave me satisfaction. He wasn't as yet answering me, or
at least not saying anything that I could hear, but I had a deep desire and
longing to know if He really existed or not, and I felt a kind of peace, a
feeling of well being; it was a strange kind of feeling, but a nice strange.
Suddenly I was really having a sort of peace in my life and thought this is
good, perhaps He does exist after all. Then the bottom fell out. I was
convicted for an offence I had committed a time ago and ended up back in
prison. Now this did not endure God or his existence to me, just when I felt
I had made contact and that he did exist and everything was going to be
roses from now on, he double crossed me and sent me back almost from where I
had started from. I told the Lord, in no uncertain terms what I thought of
the new arrangement that he had placed me in. I had began to believe, and my
life had straightened out to an extent that I could see some light and hope
ahead for me, but now I just couldn't believe that He would allow this to
happen to me. My belief in God hit rock-bottom again
I wasn't far into my sentence when a book called 'Blueprint for living' came
into my possession. This was a new testament and it had a section in the
front which were steps to asking Jesus to come into your life. After reading
a good portion of the gospels, I felt a glow of peace, and love, and a
longing desire to believe that these stories I had just read were truth, and
of actual events. That the sacrifice of Jesus showed the true love God had
for the world and hopefully me, and this love might be seen and accomplished
in those who believe. I knew that this was what I wanted and needed. The
yearning for the love of God became a hunger so great in my heart that I
knew that I had to ask Jesus into my life or burst.
However before I asked Jesus to come into my life I said to the Lord, 'I
really needed to know that you live, otherwise I would not be able to
believe. I needed more than just a mind condition of belief, and so I asked
for a real sign, something tangible which would convince me beyond doubt
that what I was asking was not just a story that I had to try and accept to
believe he was real. I knew I would need his power to walk as He would want
me to walk, as I knew I would be incapable of sticking to the commitment I
wanted to make in my own strength. Oh man of little faith. The words from
Rev 3:20 was the Scripture I read out aloud, 'Behold I stand at the door and
knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door I will come in and eat
with Him and him with Me.'
As I gave thought to the verse, and I earnestly cried out to the Lord that I
wanted to believe so please come in and sup with me; the thought had barely
left my mind when suddenly I felt a welling up from inside of me, it seemed
to rush to my feet and then start to flow up my body until I could feel the
hairs on the back of my head rising up. At that moment I felt very humble
and small, as I realised, that God was actually answering my invitation with
an invitation of his own. The incredibility of what was happening was
completely overwhelming to me; my mind was startled to the point of unbelief
that there was something happening beyond my control, and that what was
happening was that this God loved me more than my unworthiness and was in
some incredible way answering my request for confirmation of his existence.
Tears of repentance poured from my very being as I asked the Lord Jesus to
come into my heart. No sooner had I asked than a rushing sound filled my
ears, and suddenly I was washed over by wave after wave of what I can only
describe as pure joy. This joy just kept flowing over me in ever increasing
waves, and intensity, until I could hardly catch my breath. I was certainly
lifted up into heavenly places, and as it subsided, which appeared to me to
be after a very long period, I just sat there completely overcome with the
experience and still not hardly believing that it had happened. I was to
scared almost to breathe as I thought the whole thing would disappear in
some way and I would lose what I believed was the Lord being in touch with
me. Slowly I started to thank and praised the Lord, and the feeling of God
was still with me; then I had a vision.
What I saw was a field with a fence running across the centre. Puzzled I
wondered what this meant and suddenly my mind knew the interpretation; it
was as if someone was telling me, but there were no words; the thought of
what it represented ran through my mind as the vision of it appeared before
the eye of my mind
. The field depicted my life, the top portion, over the dividing fence, was
my former life; the near portion was where I was at that very moment.
As I looked at this field, still not fully comprehending, suddenly the top
portion of the field seemed dark and cold, while the other piece was warm
and light. I knew then that the Lord was only on one side of that fence and,
I also knew that I had, in some miraculous way, been transported from the
top portion of the field to the bottom; and I also knew that whatever might
happen in the future, I would never cross over that fence again, where my
Lord wasn't. It also came to me that I wasn't making a commitment to not do
anything wrong again, but simply I would never cross that fence.
The fence was a blessing in my early walk with the Lord, as many times I
became angry and disillusioned and told the Lord that I've had enough and I
was walking away. I have never been able to walk, because whenever I try,
the field comes into my mind and I know that I can't cross the fence. I
never left anything behind when I crossed that fence to where my Lord is. I
brought everything with me, my grief, my sadness, my unworthiness, my low
self-esteem, my alcoholism and my anti-establishment feelings, and all my
other problems which I could not deal with; I brought them with me to him
and, over the years we have been together, he has slowly but surely dealt
with them.
After this night, which I claim as my conversion, things really started to
happen. Christian literature started to just appear, and I do mean just
appear, I would come back to my cell after work in the prison, and there on
the lock of the door would be these books. There would be Bibles of old and
new translations, and books of witness from other Christians in their walk
with the Lord; I never did find where they came from, however they feed my
thirsting for the Lord.
There were many other wonderful things that happened, a group of people, who
also were new Christians, came together in there and we formed a prayer and
bible study group. I call to mind my problem I had with the texts of loving
one another, and to love ones enemies. I have to confess that my whole life
had been devoid of love to others, I honestly did not know what love really
meant, or what was involved in loving someone. This was not because I hadn't
had love given to me, but I was adopted and couldn't come to terms with the
fact that my birth mother never wanted me, so my whole life was engaged in
testing peoples love towards me, and the testing would continue until the
other person had their fill and gave up. This then was a confirmation to me
that I was no good and no one, because not even my own mother, could love
me. So I had no self worth and insulated myself from others by not putting
myself in the position to be rejected, until the next time I needed to test
my unworthiness. I would again move into a relationship with someone and
then test their love for me to the breaking point, and when they eventually
rejected me because of my unacceptable behaviour, I would feel justified in
believing in my unworthiness.
Jesus broke this chain, He continued to love me no matter what. I was
sitting in the yard one day, reading my Bible, there were others playing
basketball in the yard, I came to the text again that we must love one
another as He has loved us, as I looked up in thought over this verse and
noticed a man I didn't like playing basketball, I said to the Lord, as I
re-read the text,'how can I love someone like that', I had no sooner bridged
the thought, than I felt someone standing in front of me, I looked up and it
was the very man I had just pointed out to the Lord. He asked me if I would
mind looking after his watch, while he was playing, as he didn't want it to
be broken. This man had never spoken to me before this day, and because he
did, and trusted me to look after his watch, my opinion of him changed
instantly, and I said, thank you Lord.
My smoking was a habit I wanted to give up, but couldn't, I had prayed about
it, but nothing, then I read a book called 'Prison to praise,'and the theme
of this was, in all things give thanks, so I stood on the promise of Mark
11:24, 'Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you
have received it, and it will be yours. I stood on this promise for about a
month, thanking the Lord for the healing, ignoring the circumstances of my
continued smoking, my smoking actually became heavier and I believe the
enemy caused this to discourage my faith in the word, however I stuck to
praising and thanking Him, and suddenly it just stopped at about 5.30 p.m.
one evening, it just stopped. No withdrawal symptoms or any other effect. I
think the time of the day was important as if it had been in the morning,
after being with-out all night, it may not have been as significant as half
way through the day, with still the night of being locked up to come.
The pills, that the Doctor had said I would have to take all my life, were
still being dispensed to me and even though I had Jesus I was reluctant to
give them away, fearing that the change may somehow disappear. So I
continued to take one in the morning and one at night, until one night the
Lord said to me, "You don't need them any more!" So from that night on I
stopped taking them, and I never changed back into the monster I use to be.
There were several more miraculous things that the Lord accomplished while I
was in the prison. I received extra remission, even though every one thought
I was stupid for applying as my sentence was really not long enough for them
to consider extra remission, but I trusted my God, and I was released
earlier. I guess the most wonderful thing the Lord done happened about a
couple of weeks before my release. This particular night I prayed to the
Lord, with a heart full of thanksgiving for what He had done for me, I said
I was not worried about what would happened on my release as my trust was in
him to supply all of my needs. I realised that the employment situation was
not good, but I knew that nothing was too hard or impossible for Him.
The next morning I had a call to change my clothes to receive a visitor. Now
there are two things here which are miraculous. One was that visitors were
not allowed to see inmates except on Saturdays, unless they were from out of
town, so I was very puzzled as to who it could be visiting me. The second
was who my visitor was.
Marching in for my visit, imagine my surprise to see my old employer sitting
there. He said he was just passing by the prison gates and felt he should
come in, as he thought I must be close to coming out and he just wanted me
to know my old job was there waiting for me. Now this was unusual for
another reason, it was a government job and there was a lid on employing
anyone. Even if someone left they were not replacing them.
So you can see how the Lord can work in your life to bring about His
purposes, He just cuts straight across all things of man, regardless of
there plans, or wisdom, or circumstances.
Another wonderful experience the Lord allowed me to share with him happened
in Rotorua. After my discharge from the prison, and before starting work
again. My ex-wife and the family, of which there were seven children from my
ex-wife's previous marriage and one from our own, went on a tour of the
North Island. On the way back down from Auckland heading for home, we
arrived in Rotorua in the evening after driving for most of the day in very
thick drizzle. We stayed that night in the camping ground on the lakeside.
I must explain here that my family, even though they could see that I had
changed in some way, would still look at me strangely because of my new
beliefs; so I was always, in a very zealous way, putting the Lord and his
love and goodness to me, before them. They humoured me with the thought, I
believe, that I would grow out of this nonsense.
The drizzle continued all that night and was still falling the next morning
when we woke. I had promised the children, the night before, a row on the
lake, and they were very disappointed at the continuing weather; undaunted I
told them the Lord would clear the rain at eleven o'clock in the morning and
we could go on the lake; I went, in faith, and reserved a boat for this
time, and then waited; and waited, and waited.
The rain continued to fall all morning, and so, at ten o'clock I began to
panic and decided I had better check the situation out with the Lord; I went
into the bedroom and knelt before the Lord telling him that if he wanted
these children, and my ex-wife, to ever believe in him then we must go out
on the lake. When I returned to the dining room the children were very
despondent as the rain had still not eased. I told them the Lord would clear
the weather at eleven and we would go rowing; they scoffed and jeered at my
words of conviction. Ten thirty came, thick drizzle; ten forty-five, still
thick drizzle, and again I could feel a panic attack coming on; ten
fift
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