Deceived by Spirits - Request for Prayer

My name is Violet Eubanks. I need answers to some very tough questions and I need spiritual help and all the prayers that I can get. Before I get to my main letter I have included a letter that I wrote to a deliverance minister who is having very much trouble believing what I am telling him :

It is unclear to me exactly what demons are. I am also unclear as to whether this thing actually indwells me or whether it just has the ability to have full access to my perceptions and thoughts- as per my own request. I asked for it and God obliged me. I brought this on my own self, but now all I want is to be set free and to be able to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. Before I accepted Jesus at age 14- there were times when I would actually lose time- for hours sometimes and I would get very upset about it. After accepting Jesus, although my life became a living nightmare for awhile- I never lost time again. I think that perhaps the black cloud that came upon me at the time I accepted Christ was the demon(s) that were forced out by the Holy Spirit, settling upon me and that they or it, had been determined to get me one way or another ever since.

I say this because if the demon was actually in possession of me- why is it not able to take over me and cause me to do things against my will or even to change my personality ??? Although it does try to force a smile on my face at times- I can fight this. But then again, you know full well how much trouble I am having trying to believe that I am still alive. A lot of that is because of you and so many others who do not believe me.

I EVEN HAD THE VOICE OF THIS THING ON CASSETTE TAPE SAYING THINGS LIKE : "" We are good spirits. You've done NOTHING wrong."" I no longer have those tapes because Christian people demanded that I burn them. I wish now that I had kept them. I've asked forgiveness, I've renounced EVERYTHING and I've turned from all sin except I can't seem to stop smoking cigarettes for more than a week at a time. I've been through oodles of deliverance stuff including all of the Neil T. Anderson stuff. I went through theophostic deliverance therapy and got so much worse that within 10 days of it I could no longer distinguish my thoughts from its thoughts. I had to call someone to take me home. I don't know what to do anymore. God knows my heart. Why is He not helping me ? This makes me believe that I no longer have a real heart- that I'm dead.

I don't know. I do know this. This monster is not a cusser. It even seems to get upset and agitated when my brother starts cussing. The only cussing it does is it says to me many times each day, "" You're my *censored* in hell."" Very rarely, once in awhile it uses the F- word. It is calling me a bastard now to make some sort of a point. Mostly it acts like an evil immature imp. As I told you before it seems to have lost most of its power over me, except to influence when I look at the clock or watch, waking me up- it does this by somehow squeezing my head, influencing some of my thoughts, and to talk incessantly by answering each and every single one of my mental thoughts and to constantly tell me what I am seeing, feeling and tasting, etc. It's communication with me is completely telepathic 2- way conversation and I CANNOT stop it from knowing my thoughts. People keep telling me that this CANNOT BE- so I figure that I must be dead then. In the past it was able to squeeze my entire body so tight that my blood vessels would burst and my limbs and torso would turn red, purple and black. Last night it was speaking to me from OUTSIDE of my ear...also from inside of my mind. I don't know if it even has a voice of its own as it seems to have to use my thoughts somehow to speak. It doesn't have the ability to speak through my lips on its own. To do so- I have to make the conscious decision to speak or to write for it. I do not go into a trance or lose any of my consciousness when I do this and my emotions are not influenced by it at all- except for my own fear and aggravation. It used to be able to instill extreme fear, shock, anguish and despair- some how it did this through my flesh. The fear would begin in my body and then spread through my mind and then through my spirit. It used to also be able to stimulate my sex organs- through physical- not mental means- as if it had control of my physical responses...just as it was able to cause my pupils to dilate and contract very rapidly and to burn me, etc. It is unable to do these things to me anymore. Seems to me that it has been only able to work through my flesh and soul and then this would spread through my spirit- not though my spirit first. That is why I have doubts as to being truly possessed. Maybe that is why all attempts at deliverance by commanding it to be cast out have failed. It has threatened me with spontaneous combustion because of the constant non- stop rapid firing of my brain cells. Don't just read this and come to your own conclusions about it. If you will- please take this to the Father in very serious prayer. No matter what I've said to the contrary, I need help with this and do not need to be all alone in this.

IN ORDER TO HELP ME- YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BELIEVE WHAT I AM TELLING YOU. When I was attacked by this thing on June 9, 2002, my brother became completely possessed and began to speak in a demonic tongue and cursing me and screaming, "" Damn you to Hell !!!!!"" On the third "" Damn you to hell !"" something invisible slammed into my body so hard that it almost knocked me to the floor and I saw what looked like my spirit leave my body and something very painful crawled down into my chest cavity area. I felt the gravitational pull of my body change and I became magnetized attracting tiny bits of metal to my hands. The voice started. It said, "" You have lost the game of life."" It hasn't shut the hell up since. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM READY TO END IT ALL. IF I GO TO HELL- I JUST GO TO HELL- I'M ALREADY IN HELL ON EARTH. Main Letter : I am no longer willing to hide. I was previously sending this letter out under the assumed name ' Claira ' to protect my own identity, because I was so tired of being called a liar- even by members of my own family and by pastors, and assumed to be insane by some others who would like nothing more than to have me locked away where I'd have no hope of ever getting any help or being set free, and weary of those who would cower from me in fear and blame me for every bad thing that happens to them from the time they meet or make contact with me. I refuse to hide any longer. I am a person who has made grave mistakes and am now paying dearly for it-- now I would like nothing more than to be set free to serve the Lord Jesus Christ.

Everything in this letter is the truth to the very best of my ability to recount the truth in words- with God as my witness. I have been many things in my life- but a liar I am not, and I am in no way insane.

Sent: Friday, January 23, 2004 1:26 PM Subject: spiritual help

Don't worry, as long as I have hope I will hang onto Jesus for dear life. My brother needs me.

If you have previously received a letter from me, I've had to add quite a bit, to try to clear up any confusion. Also I believe that it now contains some things from the scriptures and issues about the meaning of certain scriptures that I believe may be of interest or maybe even very helpful to you. So please do take the time to read it very carefully. I believe that you just might benefit from it.

I know that this letter is very long, but it covers just enough info. to explain just the basics of my problem and the concerns which are proving to be a stumbling block for me, so please read it thoughtfully and prayerfully.

The one true desire of my heart is to serve God in ANY WAY that He would lead me- no questions asked. I'd live and die for Him...for my precious Jesus...my Lord. I love and adore Him so much, but I'm thinking that I've been damned forever because God is not helping me ( or doesn't seem to be.) I am struggling with my faith again which is what got me going down the spiral that landed me in this mess in the first place. My brother watches the Discovery Channel on TV. They are constantly trying to refute the reliability and truth of the scriptures and have some VERY GOOD arguments against it. I am having a VERY ROUGH time.

Before I tell you the exact nature of the problem, let me tell you that it is a direct result of becoming involved with the spirits of a device similar to a Ouija Board after many years of experimenting with and practicing many different occultic and psychic practices and sciences including sorcery and some black arts...I've been in this horrific condition since June 9, 2002 and if Jesus doesn't free me very soon, I will be forced to end my life. It is more pain than I can possibly keep on bearing. I've exhausted my resources of trying to get deliverance. Nothing and no one has been able to help me- not even Bob Larson's ministry. I cannot take it very much longer. I am afraid that I have blasphemed against the Holy Spirit and God doesn't love me anymore. You see, when I was 14 I believed and accepted Jesus, but it wasn't long before I apostatized, stopped believing in the Bible, Jesus and even in sin and began to follow the doctrines of demons. I was in complete and total rebellion and unbelief until this happened to me and I was stopped dead in my tracks. If this had not happened to me, I doubt that I ever would have even been capable of understanding the Truth. I was stiff-necked, completely deaf and blind.

I was never a warrior for Christ because I never knew that I was supposed to be, but this attack occurred at a time when I was seeking and trying to grasp the truth. I had started watching Christian television. I know that it was INCREDIBLY STUPID of me, but the demon lured me in by telling me that it was my guardian angel from God. That it had once been in hell, but that God was giving it another chance to be redeemed by saving souls and that it needed my help to do this and it kept referring to ' the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.' It called itself Matthew. Now it fancies its name to be Xerxes, which I'm sure is another lie.

Before I tell you any more, I need to ask you to suspend any and all preconceived ideas of what demons are capable of and are not capable of, because I know what the general beliefs of most are about this, and if they are correct, I am dead, have been taken over COMPLETELY by this monster and have NO THOUGHTS AT ALL OF MY OWN and if that is true, it is not me who is writing this letter to you, but the demon that is holding me captive and I myself do not exist anymore except as a dead tortured soul in hell entombed in a wall of flesh. It terrifies me because when I am not actively consciously generating thoughts- I have no thoughts of my own anymore. The demon fills in ALL the gaps between my active thinking process.

I will not tell you the entire story here in this e-mail, but I will tell you exactly what this monster does to me. I will also tell you that it is in no way an alter personality. An alter would not be able to foretell what the sports announcer on a LIVE ballgame is going to say even before he says it. And I have never been a sports fan, so I would have NO IDEA of what an announcer would say about any play. This monster claims that the reason it can do this is because I am dead and damned and that it knows my future completely until the day my body dies and my soul resides in hell. It has predicted many future incidences in my life up to about a year in advance, even what would be preached (word for word ) in sermons in churches that I had no idea that I would someday attend.

This monster claims that I no longer have a human spirit, but that it killed me and its spirit has taken the place of my own human spirit....that I no longer exist and have no means of salvation any longer as it is within the human spirit that the Holy spirit resides.

What I hear is NOT VOICES in the plural. It is ONE VOICE. It is EXACTLY like your own voice that you hear when you think or talk to yourself in your mind-- except it uses a rougher ' tone ' so to speak than I do, and it is a separate being from myself with its very own evil personality completely separate from my own personality. Like I said before-- there is NO WAY that I am MPD or that this is an alter because an alter would not be able to foretell future events, etc.

Here is the part where most people walk away from me and wash their hands of trying to help me: This monster KNOWS AND ANSWERS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY THOUGHTS- NO EXCEPTIONS. I have NO PRIVATE THOUGHTS AT ALL... not even when I pray. Don't say that this cannot be true. It was a stipulation. It is NOT a TRICK and it is NOT GUESSING. I have been living with this thing for a very long time now and NOBODY can EVER tell me any different. NO ONE can know what goes on inside of my mind except for myself, God and this/ these demonic spirit(s) and Satan. It claims that it had to kill me and displace my human spirit in order to use my soul in this manner. Also it sees everything that I see and perceives every sensation that I experience both physically and emotionally. I am going through hell, but I'M NOT INSANE. I KNOW what this monster is doing to me. It is vicious and evil and NEVER EVER SHUTS UP- NOT EVEN FOR ONE SECOND. It talks & talks & talks incessantly day and night. My mind gets no rest at all- EVER. Whenever I am able to sleep, as soon as I wake up this monster recounts my dreams, which most often are horrible to mildly unpleasant. I'm so exhausted both mentally and physically and my health has completely deteriorated. I used to be healthy and happy. Now all I want to do is die. Sometimes I am wide awake for up to 8 days and nights straight before I finally pass out for a few hours. I never get more than 4 hours sleep in a 24 hour period even on my best days. I CANNOT keep living this way much longer. I am COMPLETELY broken.

I was given a book Christian Set Yourself Free: proven guidelines to self deliverance from demonic oppression by Graham and Shirley Powell. I haven't gotten very far into it yet, but Graham Powell is a minister, raised Presbyterian and gave his heart to Jesus at age 6. His entire life he was plagued by extreme fear and depression and at times he would become suicidal. He tried to get help from everywhere, but no one was able to help him. His ministry was blessed of God and flourished, but he became so bad off that he decided to throw in the towel on his ministry. Then another minister tried deliverance on him. His body began to shake violently and a demon screamed through his lips. For years he suffered with this demon with no release from his torment, except while he was in prayer for many hours each day and intensively fasting and seeking God. All the while his ministry flourished and was very blessed and many souls were saved. He was even able to administer deliverance to others as he, himself, still suffered terribly, relying completely on the strength of God. Even after receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit he was not released from this demon. I haven't gotten that far into the book, but he is eventually released from this tormenting monster. He wrote that when he discovered that he had a demon, everything that he had learned about Christians not being able to have demons went right out the window.

Not long after I first fled to this city seeking help, which I haven't gotten, I was attending a small holiness church and I met a very old woman. She came up to me before a service and said to me, "" I was praying for you and God told me that ' they should listen to you.' ' She said that God told her that they should stop telling me how it is and what to do and instead listen to what I was trying to tell them. Of course they never did that and soon afterward I stopped attending that church and so did she. I was just becoming more confused and more disillusioned as I have with every church I have attended since, regardless of denomination. No matter where I attend church, no one seems to believe what I am telling them and everyone gives up on me just as soon as they try to cast this devil out once or twice and it doesn't go.

This monster claims that it CANNOT leave me until I die, because God has let it become a human in my place.

I don't know if you are familiar with Pastor Ernest J. Gruen. He and his wife Dee were once involved in the deliverance ministry for many years. They are elderly now and no longer involved in the deliverance ministry, but Pastor Gruen still pastors a church in Kansas. I believe that his beliefs are Full Gospel. Pastor Gruen has written 4 books, and a pamphlet about receiving the infilling of the Holy Spirit ( the baptism of the Holy Spirit.) His latest book came out in November, 2003. Its title is: But God Gives More Grace : The Irrevocable Law Of Humility. I find this book to be invaluable to my understanding of the scriptures. Pastor Gruen sent me a copy of this book and I don't believe he'd mind if I copy an excerpt from it here:

7. 1 Cor 8:1b-2---We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up and if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know. Do you, the reader, think you know something ? The truth is we all think we know a lot about lots of things, but God says we know nothing yet, as we ought to know. Remember that the fall of man in the garden was a result of eating from the "" tree of knowledge of good and evil."" Therefore all human wisdom and philosophy is based on the fall of man into depravity. All discussions of good and evil are based on the fall of man, and are thereby distorted and perverted. In this information age, we prize knowledge. However, our knowledge is perverted and corrupted emerging from the fall of man.

Also I need to tell you some other things that it does to me. It seems to have many of my actions timed perfectly to the very second- it uses on the clock and watch: 00,11,13, 22, 33, 44, 55 and 56, especially 6:56, as it says is as close as it can get to 666. This is so almost every time I look at a clock or a watch, or very often it will be for example- 3:33, 4:44, 12:12, 11:11:11, etc. Often when I wake up, even if I just lie there for awhile before seeing what time it is, when I finally do look, it is one of those times. And sometimes I will wake up at the EXACT SAME PRECISE MOMENT several days in a row, example: I'll wake up and when I look at the watch it will be 4:33:56 seconds, for several mornings in a row. This makes me wonder if I am dead and being completely controlled by this monster, even what I am writing to you now.

This morning I woke up and laid in bed for a few minutes. When I finally looked at the watch it was 8:56:44. Needless to say it shook me up quite a bit. IT MAKES ME THINK THAT I AM DEAD AND THAT THIS MONSTER HAS TAKEN COMPLETELY OVER MY BODY AND IS PRETENDING TO BE ME.

Also very many of my thoughts seem to be perfectly synchronized with the TV, radio or reading material. The TV and radio DO NOT SPEAK TO ME, what I mean is that, for example, I said to myself, ""I cannot lean unto my own understanding."" and at that EXACT PRECISE

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