I grew up in what you would call a very "churchy" enviroment when I was young. From about age 1-7 I was taken care of, a good amount of time, by my grandparents. My mother worked very hard to make ends meet. She worked all the time. My grandparents are Christians and they always taught my sister and I to pray and go to church.
My father was abusive and after many beatings my mom finally decided to get a divorce.Though I don't know alot of the abusive situations she experienced I'm finding out more as I get older. I was abused by my father also, sexually. I was about 4 and it went on for about a year. I believe for a few years of my life I blocked it out, not even remembering it untill about third grade. That is when my grades started dropping and I became confused. Not knowing who to turn to because I felt like I was the only one in the world that could have been through something like this I turned to silence about it.
I finally told my best friend at about the age of 15. I thought maybe she would tell my mom because I couldn't,but because I told her not to tell anyone when I told her, she didn't. I think it was a cry for help turning to the only person I trusted. This had me bound for years. And honestly I didn't think that it was a "big deal". Not knowing all the while it was shaping who I was, how I acted and who I trusted.
I moved away with my mom and stepdad, and began growing up. Trying the whole smoking cigarettes thing at the age of 10. I smoked untill I was 19. I smoked weed off and on untill about 18. Drinking became a regular thing for weekends.
About 2 1/2 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy. He was and still is a great person. I was again trying to find someone to trust and feel safe with. He was that for me for a while. I found myself putting my life in to that relationship. Every waking moment was about us. We had sex many times and everytime it occured I felt worse and worse. On
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