From Hatred to Freedom - Testimony of Former gangster Rasmus

As my past as a professional criminal and gangster has been very violent, full of betrayals, lies, broken human relationships, folks have tried to kill me on many occasions, I have been tortured, my close friends have been killed and what ever evil things you could ever imagine, all of that has been part of my life in a very fierceful way. Also the things I have been doing to others and how much I have hurt and wounded many folks in many ways. There is a lot of blood in my hands. I can't undo things that have been done, how ever much I'd desire to do so. Due to these things I have had to deal with the matter of forgiveness from all the different points very deeply. I have had to forgive others and also to forgive myself and to find a real mercy of God and reconciliation with Him. When my life changed through the power of God as I got born again 10 years ago and I started to adapt myself to a normal living, I quickly noticed that you don't have to be a criminal in order to experience in life, how often one might get offended or wounded and how often oneself hurts and wounds the others, to the most part in such a way that it is unintentional. I would like to share my own testimony with you concerning this area. I believe that If you have strength to read this text and you read it thinking over what it is saying and that you will dwell on these things, your life is going to change for sure. It is through these thoughts that I have been able to forgive all those folks how have hurt me in one way or another, I do mean what I am saying, I can tell you today, that I love those folks who have tortured me, tried to kill me and how they have killed my close friends. When it comes to forgiveness, it is not about a feeling – It is one's own choice. Remember this to begin with.

If we say that we have forgiven someone, but were are yet not willing to meet that particular person anymore, we have omitted the phone number of that person from you cell phone or when we see that particular person we are avoiding him or her and try to hide from that person, I can tell you, that we haven't forgiven that person from the bottom of our hearts. I have heard my teachings on the topic of forgiveness and I have noticed, that the topic can be dealt with from very many sides and in many ways. My personal experience is, that when it comes to forgiveness, it has to be 100% and absolute. It is not forgiveness to say, "I forgive you, but I'll never forget what you did to me" or "I forgive you but I will never ever want to spend time with you". I just want to mention, that each folks have the potential to forgive to a certain degree. But there is forgiveness, where we need God's strength and help.

Someone might ask: "what does it matter, if I do not forgive, are you not aware of what that person has done to me.." I know what it is that is going to happen to you unless you forgive and how much you will lose in life when you cling to your unforgiveness. There are certain conformities to the law that regard every human being regardless of what their religion, skin color, age, prosperity, success is. These conformities to the law are set by God and all of them can be found in the Bible. Many times we are applying certain adherences to the law in life without understanding them to be the truths of the Word of God. Many teachings that are as a basis for the nowaday teaching of how to be succesful in this world, in your own life, in every are whatsoever and almost without any borders. Those principles have their origin in the Word of God and therefore they work on everyone who is applying those conformities to the law in practical way. One might succeed in life using certain principles and conformities to the law. You might get peace, joy, be succesful financially and even be better off in every way, what comes to your physical and mental well-being. All of that is good, if we only remember that whatsoever whosoever insists or is teaching, a real success can only be found through a personal relationship with God.

Bible is telling us that no-one can know God better than through Jesus Christ. Your relationship with God is based on that single truth, that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins. When we believe that and when we ask Jesus to be the Lord of our life, we'll become God's children. Without this truth we cannot be in contact with a real God, who has created the Heaven, the Earth and every human being. Each human being whom God has created is going to one day stand before Him. As you apply some principles of success in your life, do remember, that the success of this world is temporary. Let some wise, learned and rich folks tell it some other way, but the truth is according to the Word of God, that we live our lives through upon this earth and then when we die, each one of us have to make account of our lives before God. Therefore study what the Word of God is telling and seek the truth therein. Know, in whom you believe and who are you being supported by, as that is the only thing that matters, when it is time for us to leave this world.

Somebody are congratulating me for changing a "wretched" life to a good life. It is quite right, but I just want to tell you, that if we are measuring our happiness in money, fame, others appreciating us and in the things that this world is offering us. I had all of that what you could imagine, if the success is being measured according to those things. I don't even want to mention what kind of sums of money are mentioned in the criminal circles. Many of you would certainly not believe if I were to mention the names of some folks who are well known and who are somewhat entangled with those particular things. Decision makers, representatives of the office, rich people, famous and well known folks... The reason that got me out of there, was not misery but Jesus appering to me and beginning to address me audiably. Believe me or not, I wouldn't have liked to leave that lifestyle, money and all of that. I wouldn't have left it, unless Jesus, who became so real to me did finally tell me: "Rami, you have to choose now, life or death. If you choose to live your life like this, you are going to die very soon and your are going to die in your sins..." After that, I was shown, how I died. I was clearly shown, how I was leaving a Casino together with my friend. As we walked out, a car drove in front of us and we where shot from that particular car with machine weapons. I saw all of that, as if I would have been watching a movie. As I saw myself and my friend laying in the pool of blood, Jesus said "this is how your life is going to end, if you choose wrong. What does it then benefit you all you money and all the other things that you possess... "I gave my life to Jesus finally because of that. Did Jesus frighten me with Hell.. no he didn't frighten me. In His great mercy he showed me these things, as he knew very well, that I would otherwise make a wrong choice.

I cannot explain why Jesus met me in this way ... I have been pondering upon it many times, especially when I have seen some of my friends to lose their lives or destroy their lives. You'd better remember still, that you don't have to be a criminal in order to be able to destroy your life.

You might be rich, famous and to have a really good success and finally destroy your whole life. Even so, that no-one else, not even your spouse, knows what you really feel like. There are times in the lives of each one of us, when Jesus is calling us to salvation. Often we kind of sense some kind of emptiness or something else in our hearts. Most folks do not realise what such feelings and states of being are due to. I alway knew, when God was calling me, as I was a child of a home of believers and I understood about spiritual matters. When God was calling me once in a while, I to a most part arranged big parties that could go on for several days. Amidst all of such partying it was easier for me to do away with the unpleasant feelings of emptiness within myself and also that quiet voice of God.

I just would like to revert back to the topic that I started with and to tell my own testimony concerning forgiving and the importance thereof. As I mentioned in the beginning, I have had to deal with the topic due to my own experiences. As I got born again and left a criminal way of living, so inspite of that, I hated some folks. I had been delivered from being violent, but I was battling all the time with the emotions of hatred and revenge.

I had a friend, who was one of my closest friends. We were excercising the Marshal Arts together, I taught him and we were traininig a lot for years. He obtained a World Championship in a certain Genre of Marshal Arts. He was a criminal like myself and he belong to my close circle. During the years he begun to envy me from the bottom of his heart and finally he betrayed me through making a deal with the cops. This friend of mine put up a trap for me and as a result of that I received a prison sentence of 4 years. I perceived straight away who had betrayed me. As I was in prison, I thought for myself, that when the time is right, I will revenge on him and he is going to pay for his betrayal with his own life. Then, when I got saved, I decided that he is going to live. I thought that I was very "devout" as I acted so. I even thought that I would please God.. Finally I got released from the prison. That particular friend of mine was sure, that he wouldn't live for much longer after I was released from the prison. There were not many, who believed in that I was saved, but thought it to be pure lie.

Some time passed by and I was going to a big christian meeting. I got to the place of the meeting and as I walked in through the door, I was caught with horror and panic. I couldn't remain at the place of the meeting but took off and started to suddenly drive back home. While driving, I pondered why I felt so.. Suddenly Jesus started to talk to me and he was using such certain terms, that I stopped the car by the wayside. Jesus told me the name of my friend. I told him straight away, that I had forgiven what my friend did then. Then Jesus answered and said: "All right, if you have forgiven you friend, call him and invite him to come with you to the meeting" There was a certain world renowned lady evangelist talking in that christian meeting and I had been waiting for a long time, that when she would come, then I would attend her meeting, in order for her to pray for me. I really wanted to go there. But now I had got a problem, the Lord urged me to invite somebody to come to the meeting together with me, a person because of whom I had been prison inmate for 2 years and out of that time 5 months in a little cell, that was just a little larger than 2 meters long and the width was the same. I felt how there was hatred and bitterness toward that person in my heart.. To put in straight terms, I would have had a desire to harm him in a way, that he would get some kind of punishment for what he did.

While sitting there in my car, I really fought in my heart concerning what would i do. Finally I grapped the cell phone and called that particular friend. I told him that I would like to meet him immediately and that I would invite him to come with me to a christian meeting. He promised to come to the place we agreed on. I drove to that place and there were many folks together with him. I really had conflicting feelings in my mind. My thought were racing and it was really difficult for me to keep the hatred within me. I saw that everybody present in that place sensed an atmosphere of excitement and unease. I looked at my friend and I saw fear in his eyes. He was wearing a long leather jacket and I knew that he would certainly have a gun. We shaked hands and I asked him to step into the car. All that we spoke during our journey to the place where the meeting was, were mere words. We both knew what had happened and what kind of relationship we had between ourselves. I was thinking in my mind, how this evening would finally end.

When we arrived to the meeting place and went to the rear part of the hall. God once again started to address me. I saw how God had forgiven my big sins, transgressions and all of that. I saw Jesus Christ and Him crucified for my transgressions. The Lord asked me: "Rami, would you like to forgive your friend as I have forgiven you. Do you want to have mercy on him, as I have had mercy on you?" I told Him: "Lord, I forgive Him everything". At the same time a started to feel how supernatural love towards that friend started to fill me up. I started talking to him and he certainly noticed a change in me .. the atmosphere began to change around us ... such an inexpressible presence of freedom..

We went out for a moment to have a chat and when we returned, that particular lady evangelist was just about to begin with ministering to people through prayer. We looked how a queue of hundreds of people had gathered together around the huge hall. I thought for myself that If we were to join the end of the queue, it would take whole night prior it is my turn to be ministered to.. I told my friend that I would like to join the queu and he followed me. As we were standing there in the queue with only some folks behind us, that particular lady evangelist started to head towards us, she went around the whole queue and came straight up to us. She laid her hand on me and at the same time the power of the Holy Spirit touched me and I began to fall down. Friend of mine, who was standing right behind me took hold of me. In that moment God completely delivered me from hatred, bitterness and getting offended, what I had felt towards that person. And not only him, but also all the others who had somewhat treated me wrong. I got delivered from hatred also towards them, who had tried to kill me, tortured me, them who had killed some of my friends. Hatred and the bitterness were removed from my heart regardless of what somebody had done to me or how badly they had offended me, hurt me or wounded me.

As a result of me forgiving one person from the bottom of my heart, was God delivering me from all hatred and bitterness that I had toward different people and what is even more special, God gave me love towards those people!! Now you are saying "Do not tell a lie"... You know what, unless I had get delivered from hatred and bitterness and having received love instead of that, my life would have slid back to the criminal world. I wouldn't have had strength to resist the temptations that I have confronted after that.

As we were driving back from that meeting, I told to my friend that I know what he has done. I told him what had happened and how I felt now.. Finally I told him, that I will forgive you everything. He couldn't provide me with any answer. He told me later on, that he had been thinking the whole evening that today he would be killed and his life would expire. He told that he had a loaded a very powerful pistol in his chest pocket during the whole evening also then when he grapped me as I was falling down in the prayer line, as the Holy Spirit touched me.

Today I am free from hatred and bitterness. Of course there is a another side of the matters and that is what I have done to other folks. I have had to go through that side very deeply, that I have could and been able to forgive myself from the bottom of my heart all of that, what I have done to others. I have hurt others a thousand times more what anyone ever has hurt me. You know, sometimes it is easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself. That particular friend that I just mentioned here in my testimony doesn't keep contact with me today. Not, that he would be afraid of me anymore, but because he hasn't been able to forgive himself wholeheartedly, that what he did. I forgave, but he couldn't receive it..

It is the same with many of us, we know, that God has forgiven us our sins. He let Jesus Christ to die for us at Cross, for our sins and transgressions. Yet it is not easy for us to accept it many times, it is difficult to forgive onself. Yet what comes to God we have already been atoned for. We just have to confess and accept that. I believe that I am going to pretty shortly to put up a teaching to my Blog, a teaching that deals with forgiveness from different sides according to the Word of God. I believe that it is going to be a help and blessing to many. I hope that this little testimony of mine would bring about us just for a moment to study the relationship we have with our friends.. maybe you've got a friend who needs to hear from you "I forgive you..."

"Rasmus" Rami Kivisalo
www.myspace.com/rasmusking11