Dear Lord,

It has come to a point in my life that I need a moment of truth. This should be a conversation between you and I, but I feel compelled in my heart to type and share these things upfront. I need to be exposed & to confess in privacy does not seem to satisfy my soul where I am at peace.

Lord before I begin please provide me strenght and wisdom to free my heart from years of burden. I understand that what I acknowledge has been kept between you and I for many years and often, like a fool, I turn my back to you when your most gracious help is offered because I think the soultion will be easier to find on my own. And the fool that I am..... I actually believe it! You know me better than anyone.... you are my creator and without you I am lost. You have helped me and others though the most difficult times and shared in the most precious.

At this moment my heart is heavy and my soul is weak.

I am a liar.
I am a horrible liar.
I have lied to my family, friends, co-workers, lovers, and complete strangers about my health, talents, skills, happenings, and where I am from because I wanted them to feel for me because I think I am not a unique/special person on my own. I lied to my mother about non-existant health issues because I needed money to make rent because I have foolishly sqaundered my own funds. When I ask for the money I honestly have no intentions of paying her back. Because I simply do not have the funds. If one day I did have the funds I would pay her back and provide for her if needed.
I have lied about my religion but never denied that I believe in you Lord. I am in fact not mennonite, but Presbyterian... but still I don't know a thing about my own denomination. I know more about astrology and turn to that and psychics when I cannot find my way... when I know darn well that you are the way. The sick part is that I try and seek out the information that is given by these psychics. It sickens me that I tend to have more faith in them than I do my own creator... and I pay them... when the best guidance that I could ever have is prayer away... and it is FREE! Please Lord help me to deny this instant gratifaction and to erase these suggestions given. I know these psychics are NOT you!
I speak negativly about my mother when she has helped me more than I needed. I do love her, but I don't know how I love her... I don't like her as a person. I don't view her as my mother. To be honest if we were not related I probably wouldn't associate with her. I don't like the way she makes me feel. I always feel judged in her presence. I can honestly say she has made me feel more self concious about my appearence, my career, and my crucial decisions in life. I aim to please her over the years all while denying my own personal wants. Now I am confused, angry, and resentful towards her.... because I don't feel I can make a decision in life that will please her... therefore in the end I have been afraid to go after what my heart desires. I feel that I have been manipulated!!!! She has elicted fear in my adult heart and I am screaming for my child version. What bothers me more than ever is I have catered to her for so many years, that I now I have enetred into my adulthood I carried over these traits trying to please people... make them like me by finding some common ground regardless if it is true or not. I hate myself for it. I want to stop being everyone to everybody and be me... and to feel good about who I am and the skills I possess. I am an artist in many ways.... I am proud of it.... but the one type of artist that I am tired of being is a "con-artist".
I am still unsure about how I feel about my abortion. It was a lesson learned. I am sorry for destroying one of your creations. I paid the price for my actions, and I was young, unstable to support a child, and had my sights on other goals. To be honest I didn't want to bring a child up in the environment I was raised in and to feel caught in Indiana. Yes, I do feel my mother was influential in the abortion, but ultimately it was my decision. I did want to expose the child to her treament and the constant reminder "that your mommy screwed up her life" even if it went unsaid.
Lord I am an angry person.
At times nothing would feel better than to beat the living crud out of my mother or certain people for that matter. But for that moment of instant gratifaction I would feel mortified on my actions. Instead of screming or physically act upon my emotions I cry. I cry not because I feel bad, but because I cannot perform what I am feeling inside... because I know it is WRONG! At times I have horrific graphic visions of harming people. They frighten me for the same reason. I hate my job. I dislike most of the people I work with. I wish my bosses would literally drop off the face of the earth, and that this place would burn down with no one in it. Claire annoys the crap out of me and everytime I see her I want to scream at her and tell her how patheitic she is while bashing her face to the ground. The sound of voice annoys me and her know it all condesending attitude enrages me. BUT really who am I to judge! I am a hypocrit! The one time I couldn't control my rage is when my nephew was 2 months old. I was taking care of him...He wouldn't stop crying... I was holding him on my shoulder... and I screamed so loud in his ear... he stopped crying for a moment and then started up again. I have never in my life felt like the scum of the earth until that moment. Even though it happened almost 2 years ago I still feel like garbage and I feel that I cannot be close to him because of that. I don't want to hurt him. I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

Please Lord help me and others.
My life is dark with you.