The First Impression:
Revelation While Riding A Red Vinyl Pony

I grew up in a spiritual vacuum and my parents divorced when I was 5. Yet I had a favorable impression of Jesus at a very early age, thanks to Jean Camara, a neighbor of ours who used to baby sit me.

I was around 3 years old when, one day, I was running around inside of Jean's house (I think on top of a toy stick horse embellished by red vinyl with torn ears), when I suddenly noticed a portrait of Christ on top of her refrigerator. I asked her who that man was and she simply answered, "Bobby, that's Jesus Christ, the Son of God." I uttered a quick, "Oh" -and resumed
galloping the horse after a bunch of imaginary bad guys. But when she spoke those words, "Jesus Christ, the Son of God" the witness of the Holy Spirit impaled my heart and somehow I understood. However...

Though I believed what Jean had said, and I even prayed to Jesus often as a kid, it would be a long journey before accepting Him as my Lord and Savior.

High School:
Having a Blast but My Tank is on Empty

High school was fun. It was then that I became a photography freak. I was absolutely passionate about images. I soon discovered a creative force and ambition rising inside that drove me to work through many late nights in the darkroom. Wow! A workaholic at age 15!

I threw myself into this artform because photography had given me a new sense of mission and identity. I won lot's of photography awards, even one from the former photo editor of LOOK Magazine (a nationwide photojournalistic type
publication-now defunct-similar to LIFE Magazine).

The awards banquets and praise I enjoyed during this time were especially gratifying since I had a "black hole" in my childhood from the absence of a father. It was like a whole new vista had opened up. I had an absolute blast! For the most part, instead of getting lost in drugs, partying, or racing my hot car on the boulevard, I had the power of images!

This was a very important era of my life. Yet, as much fun as I had walking down this "path of glory" I often cried myself to sleep through those high school years. During so many nights, I would gaze at the stars beyond the pine trees right outside my bedroom through a window which stretched the length of my bed. Almost every night, I'd sit there and suck in the awesome
breezes that swayed the tree tops against the moon feeling this strange dichotomy of emotions inside. I loved my life. I loved all the neat things that were going on in school and with my photography. I had neat friends. I had the best mom in the world, and I had a sister that I actually sort of liked-at least when she wasn't yelling at me for stealing her precious Cokes from the fridge. But mixed into these fabulous feelings of youth-aptly epitomized by so many of the Beach Boys' songs of that day, there was a deep pit of utter lostness.

Eventually, I did try stuff, like any kid, at least a few times. My friend, Aron, and I decided to get drunk once. So, one night when my mom and sister were gone, Aron and I wasted several six packs and got drunk. Yep. There we were. Drunk. In my house. Nothing magical happened. There was no enlightenment. We both staggered around like idiots. Then Aron went off to
the bathroom and puked for the longest time. While he did that, I sat on my front porch, hardly able to sit up straight. I thought to myself, "This is stupid! I like my motor skills. I like being able to walk. I like being able to talk. So why am I drunk? Dumb, Bob, dumb, dumb, dumb!"

Okay. Then another time we tried pot. Weird experience, a psych-yourself mind trip that was quite meaningless. I felt horrible for doing something illegal. So drugs and alcohol just didn't have a place in my life.

Then there was the possibility of sex. This one could have "sunk my ship". If I had thrown myself into this indulgence, my whole life would have changed for the worst. But I firmly believe God was protecting me. There was one particular situation in high school where I KNOW His grace kept me from falling into a temptation that would have ruined me. An especially gorgeous
classmate of mine, Heidi, blonde and very Scandinavian, sat for a portrait assignment in photo class. The portraits I took of her came out pretty good and so she wanted some copies which I had at home. So we arranged for her to come by my house and pick them up. When she arrived, at one point, she virtually cornered me in my bedroom and said with coy confidence, "You wanna go to bed with me?" She was fully expecting a 'yes' answer. Inside, I was reeling with intoxication from her beauty, but the grace of God rose up and I heard myself say with calmness and a gentle force, "Nope." She was absolutely shocked, "Why?!" I said, "Well, Heidi, I'm saving that one for marriage. That's just the way it is." We completed the transaction and off
she left in a huff.

(When I married my wife seven years later, I was still a virgin, even after having been propositioned by other women on three other occasions. It wasn't will power, it was the grace of God.)

Leaving God:
I Thought I Had a Better Plan

God was watching out for me, but I still hadn't committed my life to Jesus. So God set something up for me. My two best friends in high school, neither of whom knew each other, both became Christians. Soon, both found a great opportunity to "witness" to me. That hit me right between the eyes! Even so, I argued with them! Even though I was a God-fearing guy and I believed that Jesus was a special leader of spiritual importance, I rejected the notion of accepting Jesus as the only way to salvation. So I argued, and in both cases I felt like I had "won" the argument.

So now the protective hand of God-that awesome protective grace which I had seen operate through my childhood over and over and which kept me from disasters of all kinds-began to lift from me. I was rejecting God even though I had seen Him spare my life many times. Like when I was at Paradise Cove hanging by threads of grass over a 50 foot shear rock cliff-a very Indiana Jones moment. Or the protection that came when He prevented me from jumping into bed with Heidi. This Hand of protection NOW began to lift from me because I had rejected the GOSPEL head on. Folks, this is not a good thing! However, in a very peculiar way, God's allowing horrible adversity may be what it takes for some of us to come to Christ and be spared eternal damnation so we can enjoy eternal Paradise with Him! I can be grateful for such a God of love that works in our deepest shadows in order to ultimately bring us into His redemptive plan!

Nevertheless, the darkness that was about to enter my life was so grizzly, I could have never imagined it possible.

A friend of mine and I had often taken Pacific Palisades Highway to the beach during the summer months. Along this route there was temple for a Hindu cult. It was a very interesting looking place with foreign architecture, a lake and lots of trees. So one day we decided to investigate it. It was a cult that claimed that ALL roads lead to God, not just one. They even included Jesus as one of the many ways to God!

Well, I like to have an open mind. So I figured if they said nice things about Jesus (howbeit, absolutely false, inaccurate and loony) ...they must be okay.

So my friend and I joined up. We got a mail-order guru with lessons on how to meditate and become one with the cosmic Christ consciousness as well as how to flow into the mist of bliss and commune with the divine mother.
O-o-o-o-o-kay. This took place in December of 1970 so the druggy-hippy-mantra scene was still infused within my youth culture at that time. It all seemed like progress to me.

Then it happened. As I started meditating on NOTHING, my thought processes started to get altered. I couldn't concentrate. Unpleasant things that I didn't want to think about were all that I could think about. So I meditated harder and longer. Things got worse. Darkness overshadowed my entire life.
Soon, this oppression from hell was going on full force every waking second. I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't wait to go to sleep because that way I could escape this junk momentarily. Of course, it didn't help much because I always woke up into the nightmare.

The hellish garbage-far more hideous than I could describe here-went on for 7 agonizing months. Finally, I remembered what Jean Camara had said to me when I was 3, "He's Jesus Christ, the Son of God." I remember the indelible impression left on my heart as she spoke those words, that it was TRUE! That impression was still resident in me even though I had shoved it aside to do my own thing. The words of my two friends who had shared their faith also came back to me.

Coming Alive:
I Finally Get Serious

By now, I had no choice. I got down on my knees and prayed a very unreligious prayer, something like, "Jesus...the one on the refrigerator, you know at Jean's...the Jesus that Mike and Steve told me about last year. Okay. I'm here. Do whatever it is you want to do to me. I'll become a priest, a missionary. Whatever, I'll do it. Just come down here and save me, GOD! Save me! I'm being ripped to pieces and I don't even know what this hell is!"

Immediately, something started happening. It was invisible. But He was on the move. I could feel Him. I grabbed the phone to get hold of Steve who had witnessed to me after school one day in his Volkswagen Bug. I had to talk to him right now! I wanted go to church and do the "thing", whatever that thing was, to make myself right. But I found out that he was out of state. His mom volunteered to take me to church and I was so desperate, I went with her to church next Sunday.

That day, I was hoping to get lost in the crowd of the main church building but instead, I got intercepted by the youth pastor and was escorted into a tiny room packed with Christian kids. God was on my case.
I sat in that little room and before much of anything happened in the class, an outspoken kid to my left, with steel blue eyes and bright blonde hair, turned to me and looked me in the eye and said, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

Oh no! Not THAT question!

ALL of the kids were staring at me. I think I sloughed the question off-I was good at this sort of thing-"You know He truly is amazing and I've prayed to Him almost my whole life. He's answered lots of my prayers. What is the class about today? By the way, is that Jade East cologne you're wearing?"

"But have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" came back the steely blues.

(Why won't this jerk shut up!?)

I was nailed. There was no escape. Too many kids sitting in chairs blocked the only exit. The fire marshall wouldn't have been happy with this sardine-packed room, but I think God planned it that way so I wouldn?t run.

Okay...."No, I sure haven't."

"Would you like to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior RIGHT NOW? Is there any reason not to? RIGHT NOW?"

I was defeated. (I just know this kid is an attorney somewhere today.) I gave up. This was it. I had to accept Jesus. I just knew He was right and the screaming darkness I had endure

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