Determination / self loathing / shattered confidence / homosexuality / trust

Determination / self loathing / shattered confidence / homosexuality / trust
I normally don’t like to talk about myself, I figured it’s acceptable on this site and that’s what it’s here for.
I love God, and I know that life is full of trials, but I think I might just need some encouragement.
I am looking for deliverance to these five issues and I hope God sees how desperate I am just by getting on these forums and talking about it.

First, I don’t know what it is about me, but I am so lazy. I will be determined for a short period after feeling like I have an epiphany, but it doesn’t last long because of my environment. The friends I hang out with seem to have good homes and good parents that keep them going and I envy that sometimes. Myself on the other hand, live in a discouraging home and I don’t know how to get out. I love my parent’s but I want out of here, I think that would help me get determined. One major issue has made me apathetic to my life, and I know God is calling me out of it, but it’s hard.
I was going to school and doing well, I got a loan for books and a computer. they sent me half by mail and after a few months the other half via mail. I spent all of the money and at the beginning of my second year I go to enroll and the second check landed me over my financial limit. It wasn’t fair and the financial aid office literally avoided me. I got a job and tried to pay it off. I was about half way when I asked my parents if they would pay the other half and I would pay them back later…They went to Las Vegas instead. So now I am angry and apathetic. Currently am a loser without a job and spent the money out of anger.

Second, self loathing…Lately I have pondered and entertained thoughts of suicide. I won’t do it. I am part of the body of Christ, it’s just not going to happen, it’s just not an option. However I still wish God would just take me in some other fashion. Is that wrong?

My third issue is a shattered confidence. There was a few incidents that embarrassed the crap out of me and made me feel like a child. I don’t want to explain all of these scenarios, but I WANT to be reclusive and not see any of these people that torment me. I CAN’T even explain how embarrassed I am to be around these people, I have never known anyone else that is treated the way I am treated and I am 19. I don’t want to leave the house these days.

Ugh…I was reluctant to put this one on here. Just help, this fourth one may be the center of all my issues. It’s just hard knowing God loves me but can’t literally be here to comfort me. I feel disgusting and know God has the power to change that, but it seems all of my prayers have gone unanswered. It is my fault for masturbating, but I ask for forgiveness each time. It doesn’t take away the grief…

Last trust, I know that God says to love someone is to trust them as well. I don’t trust anyone these days. My friends are full of gossip. I trusted my cousin and best friend Monica well enough to tell her my issues with homosexuality. Now I have noticed a change in a lot of my family with sympathy and people keeping their distance. She told a few of my friends and I am guessing they told some people and so on…I don’t know how to forgive all of these people that embarrass and gossip about me. I want to forgive them, but I also don’t want to leave the house and look at all of these people.

So here I am looking to people on the internet for help. Love you all
I am wearing thin…

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