Determination / self loathing / shattered confidence / homosexuality / trust

Determination / self loathing / shattered confidence / homosexuality / trust
I normally don’t like to talk about myself, I figured it’s acceptable on this site and that’s what it’s here for.
I love God, and I know that life is full of trials, but I think I might just need some encouragement.
I am looking for deliverance to these five issues and I hope God sees how desperate I am just by getting on these forums and talking about it.

First, I don’t know what it is about me, but I am so lazy. I will be determined for a short period after feeling like I have an epiphany, but it doesn’t last long because of my environment. The friends I hang out with seem to have good homes and good parents that keep them going and I envy that sometimes. Myself on the other hand, live in a discouraging home and I don’t know how to get out. I love my parent’s but I want out of here, I think that would help me get determined. One major issue has made me apathetic to my life, and I know God is calling me out of it, but it’s hard.
I was going to school and doing well, I got a loan for books and a computer. they sent me half by mail and after a few months the other half via mail. I spent all of the money and at the beginning of my second year I go to enroll and the second check landed me over my financial limit. It wasn’t fair and the financial aid office literally avoided me. I got a job and tried to pay it off. I was about half way when I asked my parents if they would pay the other half and I would pay them back later…They went to Las Vegas instead. So now I am angry and apathetic. Currently am a loser without a job and spent the money out of anger.

Second, self loathing…Lately I have pondered and entertained thoughts of suicide. I won’t do it. I am part of the body of Christ, it’s just not going to happen, it’s just not an option. However I still wish God would just take me in some other fashion. Is that wrong?

My third issue is a shattered confidence. There was a few incidents that embarrassed the crap out of me and made me feel like a child. I don’t want to explain all of these scenarios, but I WANT to be reclusive and not see any of these people that torment me. I CAN’T even explain how embarrassed I am to be around these people, I have never known anyone else that is treated the way I am treated and I am 19. I don’t want to leave the house these days.

Ugh…I was reluctant to put this one on here. Just help, this fourth one may be the center of all my issues. It’s just hard knowing God loves me but can’t literally be here to comfort me. I feel disgusting and know God has the power to change that, but it seems all of my prayers have gone unanswered. It is my fault for masturbating, but I ask for forgiveness each time. It doesn’t take away the grief…

Last trust, I know that God says to love someone is to trust them as well. I don’t trust anyone these days. My friends are full of gossip. I trusted my cousin and best friend Monica well enough to tell her my issues with homosexuality. Now I have noticed a change in a lot of my family with sympathy and people keeping their distance. She told a few of my friends and I am guessing they told some people and so on…I don’t know how to forgive all of these people that embarrass and gossip about me. I want to forgive them, but I also don’t want to leave the house and look at all of these people.

So here I am looking to people on the internet for help. Love you all
I am wearing thin…

What do YOU think?

comments

Comments

  1. Hi Joshua, it has been some time since you have posted, I pray it is going well. Maybe you need some more encouragement and that is why I only read your post now, God works in wonderous ways, brother.
    I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t been said already, but the first step of your healing is what you have done,that is you have brought it out in the open. Whilst it is hidden it becomes a mountain and impossible to overcome it stays part of you – it is yours, like a possession. Why do you think the Lord tells us to confess our sins (evils?), one to another! Good on you!

    Yes, the most important thing is to keep your focus on Christ in all the aspects that that may entail – His love for you, so much so that He took your place on that cursed cross. (For us a blessed one)
    Where you are in Him, not according to your judgment, but the lack in His judgment of you. He did not come to judge you but rather to set you free. Praise Jesus where would we be without You Lord?

    Another important thing that you must focus on is forgiveness. Our enemy is not of flesh and blood, but Satan will surely like to use those around us to reach his ends and goals.
    True forgiveness comes from the heart, be active in forgiving, proclaim (out aloud) your forgiveness to each person in your heart. Don’t focus on the person, but on the forgiving.
    Stand in front of a mirror and forgive yourself as Christ HAS forgiven you, as often as is necessary, until His forgiveness and love is part of you.

    Look at it in this manner, by not forgiving your situation does not change anything and God cannot work with them because you have spiritually bound them, not to mention that God cannot work with you either if you have unforgiveness in your heart.
    This is not a quick fix but a way of life.

    Jesus loves you with an unconditional love. What more can we ask for.
    Thank you Jesus!

    Be blessed with all our brothers and sisters.

  2. Its Amazing how people are separated by thousands of miles but how we all still go through the same difficulties and pains. After I read your post I couldn’t help but think how very similar mine and your life are. I’m 19 and a college student and to be brutally honest with myself I struggled with just about everything you struggled with. Is this a Coincidence? I think not, many young people mine and your age experience this just very few make it known to others. This is a good and bad thing at the same time since like in your case after you told someone about struggling with homosexuality you were betrayed. That is why I believe a lot of people keep quiet about their inner struggles so that they wouldn’t be gossiped about and ridiculed by uncaring people. Just remember Joshua many people who put on their fake little smiles are desperately lonely and sad so don’t think you’re the first or last human being to deal with these struggles. For as the Bible says there is nothing New under the sun. History just keeps repeating itself all the time. But as a believer in Jesus Christ we are guaranteed to experience his true peace and love which the world can never offer us. Therefore I suggest you keep holding on to Christ’s hand and don’t look back but know that you are a New creation in Christ.

    PS: Try mixing prayer with Fasting and you will Not be disappointed this has helped me tremendously through High School and to this day! 🙂
    God Bless You!!! 🙂

  3. Joshuagm1991 says:

    After 2 weeks of praying, repenting, and seeking deliverance I have noticed a drastic change. God is truly renewing my mind with patience, love, faith, and prudence. Thank God!

    • Really good to hear that you are making progress in your walk with God and your seeking of total deliverance from all forms of evil. God bless you. Thanks for posting.

    • Timothy Luke says:

      That's great news Joshua! Just keep walking and the walls will keep falling!

  4. Joshuagm1991 says:

    I think that God is working on my confidence and tolerance at the moment.

    Comment #1: That is an excellent thing to dwell on. I think the moment I got up and went to this forum God started working on my tolerance of others. I above all else want to have a heart that forgives no matter what people say about me. Yeesh it’s hard and sometimes I think I might have to seperate myself from people and focus on what is unseen, but I will accomplish that.

    comment #2: I hope God replaces everything with tolerance. For some reason that word is sticking in my head. I have always wondered what God meant in his parables about good and bad fruit though. It sounds from you it’s like our characteristics. If so I’ll work on these things and pray God replaces them all.

    comment #3:Thank you for your testimony. Despite anything I live through on earth I want to pull through like the way you have. I’ll check out the site.

    It was nice to have these comments bright and early in the morning, thanks all.
    Some other stuff went down today that I think would have destroyed me if I didn’t get on here…Luckily God has built up some TOLERANCE already.

  5. faithishearing says:

    I think you are new to the site. Hi!
    I can actually relate to a lot of your post. Remember you are a completely new person in Christ, and God loves you. You are not worthless in His sight. And when you think about it, how much you are worth to God, Christ left Heaven to save you.
    The problem is that how you see yourself is not how God sees you. Learn to see yourself as God sees you, as the new creature in Christ, victorious over sin. Look more and more to God and less to yourself, your sins, and your perceived short-comings. Spend more time with God and prayer and learn to accept His love. People may disappoint you, even your own friends and your family, but God will never disappoint you. He will recreate you into the image of His Son as you spend time with Him.
    2 Corinthians 4:18
    So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

  6. Love to you, Joshua!
    Instead of focusing on your self identified short-comings,why don’t you focus on who you are in Christ??
    If all you do is focus on sin,you magnify sin- it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.You don’t get rid of something by meditating on it,you replace it with something else.So, instead of focusing on your unworthiness-focus on God’s grace! His absolute love for you that is independent of your actions. You will be able to come boldly before his throne of grace for help! Remember, you will become what you focus on. Are you an old worthless sinner,OR, are you a child of the Most High God?” As a man thinks so is he.”Proverbs23:7 I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus! I am pure and clean from All sin! Keeping your sin ever before you might sound Holy, but it is an insult to Jesus sacrifice!
    He paid it all!! Please study who you are in Christ.Not doing so is counter-productive and it only produces bad fruit ( self-loathing, no confidence,continued struggle with sin.) God loves you soooo much!!! And He doesn’t make mistakes!!!
    Grace and Peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ

  7. I come from an upper class family and when I was in my teens and early 20s my life sounds like yours except I had sex with every thing that had 2 legs.I was so addicted to sex that any woman that had just 2 legs I had sexwith.But nomatter how much I indulged in sex the worse I became.See I eventualley attempted suicide not once but several times this made my family even more ashamed of me.Than when I became addicted to meth and cocain most of my siblings wouldnt talk to me.I was a hard worker on any job I got but I was lazy in life because I just wanted sex and to party.I was in and out of psychistric facilities and rehabs.I was so involved in satanism and in the psychic powers that I was losing my mind.I came to a point I didnt want to know any womans name to I didnt feel shame the next day having sex with some one else but I started to become isolated and I could no longer hold down a job and I lost all of my friends.Than I was looking at having to spend time insane asylum.I had money,power,and I could really get alot of attention with all the demonic things I knew but I had no peace,joy or love at all.Until I humbled my self and ask God to kill me thats when I met Jesus Christ.It hasnt been easy but I will say this if you really seek after Jesus Christ and just follow him and no what you think but what he thinks you will walk in a life of blessings.So open your word and pray daily.If you get a chance check out my web sight and I have constant up dates about getting closer to Christ  http://exposingthedarkness.com/ BUT THIS WEB SIGHT YOUR ON RIGHT NOW HAS THOUSANDS OF GREAT ARTICLES THAT HAVE TONS OF INFORMATION TO HELP ANY ONE.Be blessed Tim

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