Depression and doubt

I am a recently unemployed 32 African American Male. In October I was fired from my job as a teacher’s assistant within an institution for troubled and violent adolescents. I lost my temper on a student because he continued to publically insult me in front of my peers and other students for being assaulted by a former resident in July. It was at this point that things began to quickly go bad for me. My ex-girlfriend who at the time was my girlfriend worked at this location with me. After I had been sucker-punched by a 14 year old boy, everyone lost respect for me; including her. As the months followed I noticed everyone in power began to find reasons to magnify any errors or cleverly make up events which made me look unprofessional. In addition the children continued to harass me and treat me as if I was a child. How can a 32 year old male justify being humiliated and bullied by children on a daily bases. One day I had enough of being humiliated. After this resident had threatened to hit me by refering to the previous time I was assaulted, I pushed him in a corner and yelled profanities at him. This was all the organization needed to fire me. Bottom line they did not like me and wanted a reason for me to get fired. I graduated with a master’s degree in Human Resources in August of 2008; however I have yet to receive one job offer and only one interview. I pleaded with my employer to transfer me into another department because of my education. However every window I tried to open did not even exist at all. Now here I sit. All my bills are past due and my home will begin the foreclosure process shortly. Even if I get a good job lead, I won’t get hired because of my credit. I worked 18 hours a day to by my home and now I am going to lose it because I cannot find a job. I get angry and curse at god allot. I often think about death and if killing myself will make it easier. I continue to disappoint my family and my girlfriend is now seeing other people although she denies it. My family tells me to remain positive and faithful. How and Why!? Why would God allow me to be humiliated and punished for standing up for myself? The incident in which I was assaulted was not the first. For the past 3 years of my employment I have been bitten 6 times, my car vandalized 2 times in 3 months, and jumped by students 2 times. I could not take anymore. I’m afraid, I truly am. When I think of death as a way out, I worry. I do have faith, and I do not want to die. I want to live my life in the lord’s eye; as a good strong man who can stand up to all evil and despair because of his faith in the lord. However, reality kicks in and I see the bill collectors calling. I grow lonely at night and often think of what could have been. I need your help lord, show me what to do. I know you want me to stand still, but I’m afraid and I am angry that people have wronged me and betrayed me. If anyone can read this, please pray that the lord give me strength and blessings. I have tried everything on my own and have failed God by not to living in his image. I would just like to be happy again and at peace.
I gave a mentally impaired man all the money I had in my pocket and I bought him a wallet. He was a complete stranger. As he thanked me I quickly jumped in my car and tried to run away. As I looked in the mirror, I saw this man jumping in the air with praise and he was so happy! I began to cry like a baby because I was so happy for him. Hopefully someone who understands my struggle will do the same for me one day when something of unexpected divine blindsides me.

What do YOU think?

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Comments

  1. hello my friend
    the scriptures says we should believe on the Lord Jesus and we shall be save.
    it also says that, He alone knows the plans He has for us, plans that eyes have not seen before (we shall be the head and not the tail) and that even when we were in our mothers womb He knew us.
    it says, he that is troubled should call on the elders to pray for.

    these and many other promises are in the scriptures, if we claim them in faith through prayer He has assured us that He will answer.( Matt. 7:7)

    its been 8 months since you submitted your prayer request. i don’t know why i am asking you this, but i just have the urge to.
    how are things now?
    have they change for the better?

    prayer:

    Dear Lord and Master Jesus, I thank you for the life of my friend.
    I thank you that you have given him the strength to endure until now.
    I pray that Lord, you will please continue to keep him under your shadow and wings.
    Let him be a blessing to all the people he come in contact with.
    And in all things let him not forget you.
    Continue to bless his family, friends and even his enemies.
    In Jesus name have i prayed with thanks giving for an answered prayer.
    Because i have asked all these in Jesus Name. the Name above all names.
    Thank Lord Jesus.
    Amen. ….

  2. Their is nothing, you can put past GOD! We may have our weak moments..just what they have done to our LORD! they mocked…and made fun of him…..The DEVIL…will never win….stay in fatih….

    I pray for you to gather strength..and to stay humble!

    God Bless!

  3. 2bapartofsomething says:

    Ecnal2010, We are here for you and will not give up praying for you.
    Lord, we humbly come before You, yet in the authority that You have given us to intercede for others. Whatever the situation for our brother, we continue to trust in You for You are God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End. You are not chaos and disorder and stress, but Perfect Peace and order, so we trust that You are in the midst of this storm and calling to our brother with open arms.
    Ecnal2010, begin to walk out on the water as Peter did, totally trusting not your circumstances, but the Lord, Himself. Don’t look at the waves and turmoil around you, but seek the arms and face of your Lord.
    Father, we pray and stand steady and steadfast that Your Spirit has begun to open Ecnal’s eyes and that as did Elisha, he sees what is supernatural and not natural. We pray that ecnal hears Your Words- Your Promises- Your Report. We pray and give thanks as You shower him with Your Great and unexplained Love. Thank You for Your Embrace of him. Thank You for showing him that he is NOT a failure in Your eyes and that it is what You think that matters, God.
    Tender Ecnal’s heart towards those who have done him wrong as You not only renew his heart, but build him a new one.
    Walls are being torn down, the infrastructure has collasped and Ecnal’s very foundation has been laid bare. Bare for You to begin anew, God. You are the original architect and so having the original blueprints, You are the only one who can rebuild Ecnal into his original purpose for You. Have Your way in his life, Father God. Continue in him. Change in him. Grow in him. Live in him. Abide in him. Reside in him.
    Father God, if there is anything that we as intercessors need to do for our brother, give us a word. We invite the Holy Spirit to intercede where and when we don’t know what to pray for Ecnal.
    All these things we pray in Jesus’ precious name. Amen.

  4. 2bapartofsomething says:

    Father, we continue to intercede for our brother as we continue to agree with Your will in this situation. Despite further communication from ecnal2010, we believe that You are continuing to move in his life and that You are being God to Him even as we pray and we thank You for being Father to our brother. We praise You and worship You for Who You are not for Who we think You should be. We thank You for this valley in our brother’s life from which we acknowledge he will emerge victorious. We bless You Holy God for we trust You and do not interfere with Your works, but simply stand by to encourage and lift our brother as we exalt and magnify You, Father. Bless Your Love, Graciousness, and Mercy.
    In Jesus’ name. Amen.

  5. 2bapartofsomething says:

    Father God- Holy God,
    It is in our trials and tribulations where Your glory is manifested the greatest. Despite the hurt in this brother, YOU WILL BE GLORIFIED in this situation. We speak restoration of our brother in a real, relevant, and intimate relationship with You. As the Potter reshapes the clay: as the sculptor re-chisels the marble, so do You our Creator continuously redefine us for Your purposes. We may not understand why ecnal2010 has to go through this right now, but we trust You and You only Father for you know the whole picture- beginning, middle, and end. And we praise You for what You are doing in our brother’s life as we lift him up to You upon the altar in prayer. We stand with You and our brother Father singing praises to You in faith as we continue to love and encourage our brother. Father, Have YOUR way in his life. Holy Spirit, as the Father circumsizes our brother’s heart- cutting away the hurt- we ask that you, Holy Spirit, prepare his heart to repent and forgive those who have hurt him. Let our brother see that it is not their fault, but that they have been deceived and lied to by the enemy and know no better.
    Father God, be God to our brother. Let him know without a shadow of a doubt that You are not just God, but Father, Healer, Provider, Shelter, Teacher, Employer, etc. And most of all, Judge and Vindicator and that You will take care of everything if he just lets’ go and lets You.
    May it begin even now, as our brother falls to his knees and completely surrenders to You as Lord of his life. May his life change so dramatically at that moment that his joy and peace and good news about You, cannot be contained. We await with anticipation and expectation for the wondeful testimony of Your love, mercy, and grace and the manifestation of it that will come to pass. We love You, Father God and we bless Your Holy Name and thank You in advance in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen.

    Brother, just begin to praise God despite how you feel- despite the hurt, despite the confusion- just let go. Talk to God, tell Him how you feel. Tell Him that you’re hurt; even though He already knows it, as with any parent, He wants you to reach out to Him. If you’re angry, tell God. If you have to scream, do so. that’s ok. That’s the best way to come to God- in our hurt and anger, broken and humbled, God’s going to do mighty things for you. He’s going to show up and show off. Just love Him.

    And we love you, too. You are in our prayers. Keep talking to us. We’re here for you. Hug

  6. Father, I pray for our brother, that You will pour out Your peace, joy, love, grace, and faith on him. Lord, give him eyes to see and ears to hear Your Word. Father, You did not call us to defend ourselves against others or fight with others. You said our Kingdom is not of this world; if it were of this world then Your servants would fight. You also said that we are not wresting with flesh and blood but principalities and powers; Satan and his evil spirits. Help him to see that Your command to us was to turn the other cheek and to deny ourselves. Part of denying ourselves is resisting that temptation within to defend ourselves YOU are our defender, Lord. Help show our dear brother this truth of Your Gospel, which is the power of salvation to everyone who believes. Lord, we rebuke all spirits of rejection, spirits of anger, spirits of unforgiveness, spirits of bitterness in the name of Jesus. We come against those thoughts and spirits of suicide that are coming at him right now. Lord, that is not the way and I pray You show him this. Show him that what he may be going through right now in his life won’t compare to an eternity of torment and hopelessness. Suicide is not the answer for our pain, it will only lead to an eternity of pain. But YOU, Lord, are our answer for that pain. Father, show him that with You, he has hope and an assurance of salvation if he walks by faith in the awesome Gift that You’ve given us. Father, pour Your faith into Him. Lord, we walk by faith for him right now that You wlll finish the good work You’ve started in him. Lord, show him that what You accomplished at the cross has already been done. Show him the good news of the Bible that when we come to believe on our Lord Jesus and believe what the Bible says about us, that it’s no longer we that live but Christ who lives in us, that You are faithful to manifest Your promise of deliverance, healings, provision, protection in our lives that was already accomplished back at the cross. Father, help him to stay focused on You and not on the circumstances around him or the emotions that are troubling him. Help him to seek You out with his whole heart and soul, help him to get in Your Word on a daily basis and to see the awesome promises in there. You’ve already provided everything we need for salvation back at the cross. This is an assurance for us when we walk by faith. And Lord, he’s reaching out to You right now so we pray You just fill him with faith. Help him to rest in You. No matter what’s going on in the natural right now around him, he can rest in You and know that You are faithful. We thank You Father for the work You are doing and will continue to do in our brother’s life. Thank you, Father,, in Jesus’ name. Amen”

  7. Lord I pray for your blessing and strength upon this man, I ask that you may restore everything that has been taken from Him in your name Jesus. I pray for your light and mercy to shine in His life. I pray that you may give Him the grace to forgive those that have wronged Him and that you may establish Him in strength and might in your grace. In Jesus name I ask. Amen

    ‘So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
    The crawling locust,
    The consuming locust,
    And the chewing locust,[a]
    My great army which I sent among you’ Joel 2:25

    Trust in the Lord. He will never fail those who put their hope and trust in Him.

  8. Timothy Luke says:

    Dear brother,

    You are in the refiner’s fire. He is faithful!

    Phillipians 4:11-13 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

    Forgive those who have wounded you and give all your anger to the Lord, who while being crucified and mocked cried out, “forgive them for they know not what they do!” He calls us to do likewise. In this may the Lord bless you and turn the tide!

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