My name is Violet Eubanks. I need answers to some very tough questions and I need spiritual help and all the prayers that I can get. Before I get to my main letter I have included a letter that I wrote to a deliverance minister who is having very much trouble believing what I am telling him :
It is unclear to me exactly what demons are. I am also unclear as to whether this thing actually indwells me or whether it just has the ability to have full access to my perceptions and thoughts- as per my own request. I asked for it and God obliged me. I brought this on my own self, but now all I want is to be set free and to be able to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. Before I accepted Jesus at age 14- there were times when I would actually lose time- for hours sometimes and I would get very upset about it. After accepting Jesus, although my life became a living nightmare for awhile- I never lost time again. I think that perhaps the black cloud that came upon me at the time I accepted Christ was the demon(s) that were forced out by the Holy Spirit, settling upon me and that they or it, had been determined to get me one way or another ever since.
I say this because if the demon was actually in possession of me- why is it not able to take over me and cause me to do things against my will or even to change my personality ??? Although it does try to force a smile on my face at times- I can fight this. But then again, you know full well how much trouble I am having trying to believe that I am still alive. A lot of that is because of you and so many others who do not believe me.
I EVEN HAD THE VOICE OF THIS THING ON CASSETTE TAPE SAYING THINGS LIKE : “” We are good spirits. You’ve done NOTHING wrong.”” I no longer have those tapes because Christian people demanded that I burn them. I wish now that I had kept them. I’ve asked forgiveness, I’ve renounced EVERYTHING and I’ve turned from all sin except I can’t seem to stop smoking cigarettes for more than a week at a time. I’ve been through oodles of deliverance stuff including all of the Neil T. Anderson stuff. I went through theophostic deliverance therapy and got so much worse that within 10 days of it I could no longer distinguish my thoughts from its thoughts. I had to call someone to take me home. I don’t know what to do anymore. God knows my heart. Why is He not helping me ? This makes me believe that I no longer have a real heart- that I’m dead.
I don’t know. I do know this. This monster is not a cusser. It even seems to get upset and agitated when my brother starts cussing. The only cussing it does is it says to me many times each day, “” You’re my *censored* in hell.”” Very rarely, once in awhile it uses the F- word. It is calling me a bastard now to make some sort of a point. Mostly it acts like an evil immature imp. As I told you before it seems to have lost most of its power over me, except to influence when I look at the clock or watch, waking me up- it does this by somehow squeezing my head, influencing some of my thoughts, and to talk incessantly by answering each and every single one of my mental thoughts and to constantly tell me what I am seeing, feeling and tasting, etc. It’s communication with me is completely telepathic 2- way conversation and I CANNOT stop it from knowing my thoughts. People keep telling me that this CANNOT BE- so I figure that I must be dead then. In the past it was able to squeeze my entire body so tight that my blood vessels would burst and my limbs and torso would turn red, purple and black. Last night it was speaking to me from OUTSIDE of my ear…also from inside of my mind. I don’t know if it even has a voice of its own as it seems to have to use my thoughts somehow to speak. It doesn’t have the ability to speak through my lips on its own. To do so- I have to make the conscious decision to speak or to write for it. I do not go into a trance or lose any of my consciousness when I do this and my emotions are not influenced by it at all- except for my own fear and aggravation. It used to be able to instill extreme fear, shock, anguish and despair- some how it did this through my flesh. The fear would begin in my body and then spread through my mind and then through my spirit. It used to also be able to stimulate my sex organs- through physical- not mental means- as if it had control of my physical responses…just as it was able to cause my pupils to dilate and contract very rapidly and to burn me, etc. It is unable to do these things to me anymore. Seems to me that it has been only able to work through my flesh and soul and then this would spread through my spirit- not though my spirit first. That is why I have doubts as to being truly possessed. Maybe that is why all attempts at deliverance by commanding it to be cast out have failed. It has threatened me with spontaneous combustion because of the constant non- stop rapid firing of my brain cells. Don’t just read this and come to your own conclusions about it. If you will- please take this to the Father in very serious prayer. No matter what I’ve said to the contrary, I need help with this and do not need to be all alone in this.
IN ORDER TO HELP ME- YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BELIEVE WHAT I AM TELLING YOU. When I was attacked by this thing on June 9, 2002, my brother became completely possessed and began to speak in a demonic tongue and cursing me and screaming, “” Damn you to Hell !!!!!”” On the third “” Damn you to hell !”” something invisible slammed into my body so hard that it almost knocked me to the floor and I saw what looked like my spirit leave my body and something very painful crawled down into my chest cavity area. I felt the gravitational pull of my body change and I became magnetized attracting tiny bits of metal to my hands. The voice started. It said, “” You have lost the game of life.”” It hasn’t shut the hell up since. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM READY TO END IT ALL. IF I GO TO HELL- I JUST GO TO HELL- I’M ALREADY IN HELL ON EARTH. Main Letter : I am no longer willing to hide. I was previously sending this letter out under the assumed name ‘ Claira ‘ to protect my own identity, because I was so tired of being called a liar- even by members of my own family and by pastors, and assumed to be insane by some others who would like nothing more than to have me locked away where I’d have no hope of ever getting any help or being set free, and weary of those who would cower from me in fear and blame me for every bad thing that happens to them from the time they meet or make contact with me. I refuse to hide any longer. I am a person who has made grave mistakes and am now paying dearly for it– now I would like nothing more than to be set free to serve the Lord Jesus Christ.
Everything in this letter is the truth to the very best of my ability to recount the truth in words- with God as my witness. I have been many things in my life- but a liar I am not, and I am in no way insane.
Sent: Friday, January 23, 2004 1:26 PM Subject: spiritual help
Don’t worry, as long as I have hope I will hang onto Jesus for dear life. My brother needs me.
If you have previously received a letter from me, I’ve had to add quite a bit, to try to clear up any confusion. Also I believe that it now contains some things from the scriptures and issues about the meaning of certain scriptures that I believe may be of interest or maybe even very helpful to you. So please do take the time to read it very carefully. I believe that you just might benefit from it.
I know that this letter is very long, but it covers just enough info. to explain just the basics of my problem and the concerns which are proving to be a stumbling block for me, so please read it thoughtfully and prayerfully.
The one true desire of my heart is to serve God in ANY WAY that He would lead me- no questions asked. I’d live and die for Him…for my precious Jesus…my Lord. I love and adore Him so much, but I’m thinking that I’ve been damned forever because God is not helping me ( or doesn’t seem to be.) I am struggling with my faith again which is what got me going down the spiral that landed me in this mess in the first place. My brother watches the Discovery Channel on TV. They are constantly trying to refute the reliability and truth of the scriptures and have some VERY GOOD arguments against it. I am having a VERY ROUGH time.
Before I tell you the exact nature of the problem, let me tell you that it is a direct result of becoming involved with the spirits of a device similar to a Ouija Board after many years of experimenting with and practicing many different occultic and psychic practices and sciences including sorcery and some black arts…I’ve been in this horrific condition since June 9, 2002 and if Jesus doesn’t free me very soon, I will be forced to end my life. It is more pain than I can possibly keep on bearing. I’ve exhausted my resources of trying to get deliverance. Nothing and no one has been able to help me- not even Bob Larson’s ministry. I cannot take it very much longer. I am afraid that I have blasphemed against the Holy Spirit and God doesn’t love me anymore. You see, when I was 14 I believed and accepted Jesus, but it wasn’t long before I apostatized, stopped believing in the Bible, Jesus and even in sin and began to follow the doctrines of demons. I was in complete and total rebellion and unbelief until this happened to me and I was stopped dead in my tracks. If this had not happened to me, I doubt that I ever would have even been capable of understanding the Truth. I was stiff-necked, completely deaf and blind.
I was never a warrior for Christ because I never knew that I was supposed to be, but this attack occurred at a time when I was seeking and trying to grasp the truth. I had started watching Christian television. I know that it was INCREDIBLY STUPID of me, but the demon lured me in by telling me that it was my guardian angel from God. That it had once been in hell, but that God was giving it another chance to be redeemed by saving souls and that it needed my help to do this and it kept referring to ‘ the reincarnation of Jesus Christ.’ It called itself Matthew. Now it fancies its name to be Xerxes, which I’m sure is another lie.
Before I tell you any more, I need to ask you to suspend any and all preconceived ideas of what demons are capable of and are not capable of, because I know what the general beliefs of most are about this, and if they are correct, I am dead, have been taken over COMPLETELY by this monster and have NO THOUGHTS AT ALL OF MY OWN and if that is true, it is not me who is writing this letter to you, but the demon that is holding me captive and I myself do not exist anymore except as a dead tortured soul in hell entombed in a wall of flesh. It terrifies me because when I am not actively consciously generating thoughts- I have no thoughts of my own anymore. The demon fills in ALL the gaps between my active thinking process.
I will not tell you the entire story here in this e-mail, but I will tell you exactly what this monster does to me. I will also tell you that it is in no way an alter personality. An alter would not be able to foretell what the sports announcer on a LIVE ballgame is going to say even before he says it. And I have never been a sports fan, so I would have NO IDEA of what an announcer would say about any play. This monster claims that the reason it can do this is because I am dead and damned and that it knows my future completely until the day my body dies and my soul resides in hell. It has predicted many future incidences in my life up to about a year in advance, even what would be preached (word for word ) in sermons in churches that I had no idea that I would someday attend.
This monster claims that I no longer have a human spirit, but that it killed me and its spirit has taken the place of my own human spirit….that I no longer exist and have no means of salvation any longer as it is within the human spirit that the Holy spirit resides.
What I hear is NOT VOICES in the plural. It is ONE VOICE. It is EXACTLY like your own voice that you hear when you think or talk to yourself in your mind– except it uses a rougher ‘ tone ‘ so to speak than I do, and it is a separate being from myself with its very own evil personality completely separate from my own personality. Like I said before– there is NO WAY that I am MPD or that this is an alter because an alter would not be able to foretell future events, etc.
Here is the part where most people walk away from me and wash their hands of trying to help me: This monster KNOWS AND ANSWERS EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY THOUGHTS- NO EXCEPTIONS. I have NO PRIVATE THOUGHTS AT ALL… not even when I pray. Don’t say that this cannot be true. It was a stipulation. It is NOT a TRICK and it is NOT GUESSING. I have been living with this thing for a very long time now and NOBODY can EVER tell me any different. NO ONE can know what goes on inside of my mind except for myself, God and this/ these demonic spirit(s) and Satan. It claims that it had to kill me and displace my human spirit in order to use my soul in this manner. Also it sees everything that I see and perceives every sensation that I experience both physically and emotionally. I am going through hell, but I’M NOT INSANE. I KNOW what this monster is doing to me. It is vicious and evil and NEVER EVER SHUTS UP- NOT EVEN FOR ONE SECOND. It talks & talks & talks incessantly day and night. My mind gets no rest at all- EVER. Whenever I am able to sleep, as soon as I wake up this monster recounts my dreams, which most often are horrible to mildly unpleasant. I’m so exhausted both mentally and physically and my health has completely deteriorated. I used to be healthy and happy. Now all I want to do is die. Sometimes I am wide awake for up to 8 days and nights straight before I finally pass out for a few hours. I never get more than 4 hours sleep in a 24 hour period even on my best days. I CANNOT keep living this way much longer. I am COMPLETELY broken.
I was given a book Christian Set Yourself Free: proven guidelines to self deliverance from demonic oppression by Graham and Shirley Powell. I haven’t gotten very far into it yet, but Graham Powell is a minister, raised Presbyterian and gave his heart to Jesus at age 6. His entire life he was plagued by extreme fear and depression and at times he would become suicidal. He tried to get help from everywhere, but no one was able to help him. His ministry was blessed of God and flourished, but he became so bad off that he decided to throw in the towel on his ministry. Then another minister tried deliverance on him. His body began to shake violently and a demon screamed through his lips. For years he suffered with this demon with no release from his torment, except while he was in prayer for many hours each day and intensively fasting and seeking God. All the while his ministry flourished and was very blessed and many souls were saved. He was even able to administer deliverance to others as he, himself, still suffered terribly, relying completely on the strength of God. Even after receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit he was not released from this demon. I haven’t gotten that far into the book, but he is eventually released from this tormenting monster. He wrote that when he discovered that he had a demon, everything that he had learned about Christians not being able to have demons went right out the window.
Not long after I first fled to this city seeking help, which I haven’t gotten, I was attending a small holiness church and I met a very old woman. She came up to me before a service and said to me, “” I was praying for you and God told me that ‘ they should listen to you.’ ‘ She said that God told her that they should stop telling me how it is and what to do and instead listen to what I was trying to tell them. Of course they never did that and soon afterward I stopped attending that church and so did she. I was just becoming more confused and more disillusioned as I have with every church I have attended since, regardless of denomination. No matter where I attend church, no one seems to believe what I am telling them and everyone gives up on me just as soon as they try to cast this devil out once or twice and it doesn’t go.
This monster claims that it CANNOT leave me until I die, because God has let it become a human in my place.
I don’t know if you are familiar with Pastor Ernest J. Gruen. He and his wife Dee were once involved in the deliverance ministry for many years. They are elderly now and no longer involved in the deliverance ministry, but Pastor Gruen still pastors a church in Kansas. I believe that his beliefs are Full Gospel. Pastor Gruen has written 4 books, and a pamphlet about receiving the infilling of the Holy Spirit ( the baptism of the Holy Spirit.) His latest book came out in November, 2003. Its title is: But God Gives More Grace : The Irrevocable Law Of Humility. I find this book to be invaluable to my understanding of the scriptures. Pastor Gruen sent me a copy of this book and I don’t believe he’d mind if I copy an excerpt from it here:
7. 1 Cor 8:1b-2—We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up and if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know. Do you, the reader, think you know something ? The truth is we all think we know a lot about lots of things, but God says we know nothing yet, as we ought to know. Remember that the fall of man in the garden was a result of eating from the “” tree of knowledge of good and evil.”” Therefore all human wisdom and philosophy is based on the fall of man into depravity. All discussions of good and evil are based on the fall of man, and are thereby distorted and perverted. In this information age, we prize knowledge. However, our knowledge is perverted and corrupted emerging from the fall of man.
Also I need to tell you some other things that it does to me. It seems to have many of my actions timed perfectly to the very second- it uses on the clock and watch: 00,11,13, 22, 33, 44, 55 and 56, especially 6:56, as it says is as close as it can get to 666. This is so almost every time I look at a clock or a watch, or very often it will be for example- 3:33, 4:44, 12:12, 11:11:11, etc. Often when I wake up, even if I just lie there for awhile before seeing what time it is, when I finally do look, it is one of those times. And sometimes I will wake up at the EXACT SAME PRECISE MOMENT several days in a row, example: I’ll wake up and when I look at the watch it will be 4:33:56 seconds, for several mornings in a row. This makes me wonder if I am dead and being completely controlled by this monster, even what I am writing to you now.
This morning I woke up and laid in bed for a few minutes. When I finally looked at the watch it was 8:56:44. Needless to say it shook me up quite a bit. IT MAKES ME THINK THAT I AM DEAD AND THAT THIS MONSTER HAS TAKEN COMPLETELY OVER MY BODY AND IS PRETENDING TO BE ME.
Also very many of my thoughts seem to be perfectly synchronized with the TV, radio or reading material. The TV and radio DO NOT SPEAK TO ME, what I mean is that, for example, I said to myself, “”I cannot lean unto my own understanding.”” and at that EXACT PRECISE INSTANT- NO OVERLAP ON THE WORD ‘LEAN’, Jack Hannah said to a baby elephant, “” Don’t lean on me””. This happens way too often to be coincidental. Sometimes this occurs over and over again, many many times in a row. AM I DEAD ? ? ?
It used to do horrible things to my physical body too, such as burning me, clawing me, slapping me, kissing me, blowing in my ear, touching me, making my pupils rapidly dilate and constrict, hurting my insides and my spine, stopping my breathing, etc. Once it almost stopped my heart. It felt like a hand squeezed my heart as an evil voice from outside of me said, “” Walk with me”” and it used to shock me repeatedly inside with jolts of electrical current- especially when I was trying to fall asleep. Also, I had no positive emotions for a very long time. I was like a zombie. All I could feel was fear, shock, deep grief, some anger, some jealousy, agitation, aggravation, deep anguish and deep despair. I could feel the tiniest hint of love and warmth when holding a small child or being in the presence of certain very anointed people. I just started getting my emotions back about 2 1/2 months ago. And it used to surround me from outside of myself and also was capable of projecting itself up through my spirit from within. When it did this the stark terror and hollowness was so great that all I could do was lie there and repeat over and over, “” Jesus, Jesus, Jesus……”” Sometimes for hours on end. I used to wake up in a feeling of TOTAL shock, anguish and despair, which would last for MANY HOURS. It seems to have lost all of those abilities now. MAYBE GOD IS HELPING ME. At times I can still feel its spirit moving within me, especially right after I first wake up. ( that is the best way that I can describe the sensation.)
Also, as far as blaspheming the Holy Spirit goes, Satan made sure that he covered every base :
( 1 ) I apostatized from the faith.
( 2 ) It took this tragedy for me to come to a knowledge of sin and Truth. I may NEVER have otherwise.
( 3 ) I believed that this monster was my guardian angel being redeemed by God from hell and attributed a miracle when I was saved from a car accident to it, and also it claimed that it was trying to save souls for God and I believed it and said so.
( 4 ) One day I woke up from a nap inexplicably angered at and jealous of God ( whom I did not understand nor did I recognize the love nature of God nor the deity of Jesus nor the function of the Holy Spirit- at the time ) and screamed at Him that I was never going to obey Him. I meant it.
( 5 ) I was in so much torment and pain some months ago, crying out to God and being ignored that I screamed out in pain, “” I hate you God ! I hate you Jesus ! I hate you Holy Spirit ! “” I did not at all mean it. I LOVE GOD WITH ALL MY HEART and I immediately begged for forgiveness. I have no bitterness toward God. It is not God’s fault what has happened to me.
( 6 ) If you have the Holy Spirit and go against it.
PLEASE ANSWER ME : WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE BLASPHEMY AGAINST THE HOLY SPIRIT ??????? Isn’t it AT LEAST ONE of the things that I wrote in the above list :
2) going past the point where the Holy Spirit cannot reach you anymore, so He stops convicting of sin and withdraws forever. I WOULD HAVE NEVER BELIEVED THE BIBLE IF NOT FOR WHAT HAPPENED- of course if God Himself had appeared to me as He appeared to Saul ( Paul ) on the Damascus road- of course I would have believed and been turned around to His service.
3) attributing the works of the Holy Spirit to satanic powers.
4) deciding once- and- for- all that you’re not ever going to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit- then He has no choice but to withdraw. I did not see my sin as sin- I was no longer being convicted of certain horrible sins. I had made up my stubborn mind that I was right and God was wrong. I was smarter than God in my own mind. Man was I humbled ! ! !
5) I said a terrible thing to he Holy Spirit. Some church people in my city are convinced that I am going to burn forever in eternal hell for telling the Holy Spirit I hate Him in a moment of extreme agony- then immediately asking for forgiveness. They figure that once those words rolled off my lips- I can never be forgiven. I cannot go to church and sit alongside those who have already damned me to hell. BOY ! ! ! SPEAK OF CASTING STONES ! !
6) If I was once saved, then I must have had the Holy Spirit- then I fought against Him evidently. Please don’t say that I did not blaspheme against the Holy Spirit just because I care and want to be free. ANYBODY would want to be free if they were in my shoes. This has got to be about as close to being in hell as it gets.
Also, the reason that I want to do right by God is because I now know the truth. I wasn’t enlightened by the Holy Spirit, but because my eyes were opened wide by this terrible evil.
I have to add 1 thing, I can speak and write for this monster just the same as I can speak or write for myself, without losing consciousness, but I will not do it. I won’t give it that satisfaction. It resides in me and shares my soul. That is why it knows all of my thoughts, or either it is writing to you now- not me. I gave it the right to do this when I told it that I would allow it to possess me and feel and think what I feel and think. I did this so that it could know what it is to be human, in hopes that it would never want to stray from God again…. I didn’t understand the truth. It was just a day after I gave it permission to do this that I screamed at God that I would never obey Him. When I screamed out at God, I immediately felt something move away from me- like a protective blanket being pulled off of me. A few days after that is when I was attacked by this monster ( June 9, 2002 ), room 217 at the Irish Inn Motel, while visiting with my brother. It was horrible and horrifying. He became possessed completely for over 2 weeks, and I had to follow him around to keep him safe. He doesn’t remember ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN THAT TIME PERIOD. He said that he only vaguely remembered escaping something evil. Read Genesis 2:17 please. He has never believed me until about a week ago. He has been claiming not to believe in the Bible or in Jesus or in God or in Satan- until about a week ago. About a week ago he says that he saw Satan, and that the front door opened and closed on its own as this ‘ Satan’ turned into a mist and went out the door. I could tell that he was very shaken up and not lying. I called the hospital the night that I was attacked by the demon(s). I was put into room 517. I picked where we live now from an ad in the newspaper and the only unit available was no. 17, where we now live. That is too many 17s.
Genesis 2:17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
The demons have NEVER surfaced (manifested) in me. Although I can let it speak or write through me- WITH MY FULL CONSCIOUS AWARENESS- I have to give it permission to do this and of course I will assuredly NOT. It doesn’t and never has taken me over- unless it is me and I am dead. But people used to always tell me that my looks would change drastically from one moment to the next- one moment I’d look like an old woman and the next I’d look like a 15 year old child. I used to laugh this off, but it is apparently true. You can see this by photographs taken of me in succession. They were not lying, I just did not want to believe them.
I have tried different medications, but the torture is only turned up to override all medications. They only make it worse.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE ME. IF IT DOESN’T KNOW MY EVERY THOUGHT, THEN IT IS GIVING ME EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY THOUGHTS- EVEN WHAT I AM WRITING NOW, AND I AM SURELY DEAD AND IN HELL. I am 41 years old. This devil seems to think it is a wonderful joke that I wandered around lost in the wilderness for 40 years, only to die and not to be able to enter into His rest or to inherit the blessing of eternal life.
Back in October, a couple, knowing the condition I am in, gave me a book written by Pastor Gruen: freedom to choose : Principles for Victorious living. It is a national bestseller, first published in 1960. Inside the book was Pastor Gruen’s address. I wrote to Pastor Gruen- not expecting an answer, but he answered me almost immediately. In his letter he writes, and I quote: I had a supernatural dream about you on either Friday or Saturday morning at 3:31 AM. I was giving you a word from the Lord in my dream. God woke me up !
“”Jesus said to “” Tell her that her salvation is secure !”” He said that you did not have to fear. You are not damned. You have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit ! I was utterly amazed that Jesus would wake me up and speak to me concerning your situation. I heard His voice ! unquote.
In later correspondence with Pastor Gruen he said that he KNEW beyond any doubt that it was God Who had spoken to him and that he had been praying for me just before he fell asleep, but I became panicked as I read the opinions of the cessationists who base their belief on 1 Cor.13; 8-13, that all of the miraculous gifts of the Holy Spirit ceased when the New Testament was completed, including the gifts of tongues, prophecy, word of knowledge, healing, etc.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I thought as a child : but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
The cessationists believe that ‘ that which is perfect ‘ is the New Testament, because the noun for it is in the neuter instead of the personal, so they claim that it cannot mean the second coming of Christ and they say that the miracles were only needed for a sign back then- to the early church. This need was done away with with the coming of the New Testament. I personally believe that it means the coming of the Kingdom of God. Cessationists believe that any of these gifts of the Spirit today are with the power of Satan.
I am fully aware that for every gift of the Holy Spirit, Satan has a VERY GOOD counterfeit and that he can perform miracles, signs and wonders. Just before this happened to me, my spine was healed by Satanic means. Also I believed that I had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit , but it was a Satanic counterfeit. I was CONVINCED it was of God, but at that time I had been channeling this evil spirit and had even predicted the Twin Towers incident before it happened. WHEN I WAS CHANNELING I WAS ALWAYS FULLY CONSCIOUS AND FULLY AWARE OF WHAT I WAS SPEAKING FOR THIS MONSTER, I NEVER ONCE WENT INTO A TRANCE- JUST AS I NEVER DO NOW. I NEVER HAVE, CONTRARY to the belief of most people that a person has to be in an unconscious state in order to channel- or speak for a demon.
Also I have recently seen quite a bit of obviously demonic activity in some local churches, including: false prophecy, teaching that is ever so slightly twisted from the real Biblical truth, a spirit of sensuality- nearly bordering on the obscene come upon a pastor who was convinced he was filled with the Holy Spirit and he was very loudly professing Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Also I heard a woman who believed to be filled with the Holy Spirit speaking what I recognized to be mild cussing in Spanish. My mother is from Spain and I understand much of the Spanish language, even though I cannot speak it very well– but that is another story. But this does not mean that the gifts of the Holy Spirit have ceased. It could mean that Satan is using EXACTLY THIS PLOY to rob the church from receiving and using the genuine spiritual gifts.
Some people say that a person can lose their salvation, but others say this is impossible because a believer is sealed with the Holy Spirit. I know that Jesus says somewhere in the Bible that all who are given to Him by the Father will NEVER be lost- NO NOT ONE. Aren’t all who are saved given to Him by the Father ? ? ? I wonder if that is the meaning of the prodigal son ? ? ? The Father watched every day for the return of his wayward lost son. I wonder if all who have ever truly believed, even if they strayed from Him in unbelief and rebellion, would someday, eventually return to Him ? ? ?
When I accepted Christ as personal Savior as a young teen, I did it purely out of a very deep conviction of sin. Before I could get up off my knees, a black thick evil cloud descended upon me and was pressing me down so hard that I thought that it would crush me. I was way too shy and scared to tell anyone what had happened and I was way to shy to attend church so I never learned the Word of God. I was so painfully shy that I was in my early 30s before my mind and tongue were loosed enough to have a normal conversation with anyone other than my parents and brother and a couple of very close long time friends. I would freeze up completely like a statue and sweat profusely if anyone tried to talk to me or get close to me. I was taunted, laughed at and tormented by classmates and many other people because of this, which made it even worse. I wanted to be dead. I prayed that God would let me die. I had no idea that I was allowed to pray for my own needs or that I was supposed to rely on His strength.
What about what the Bible says about withdrawing back unto perdition and that God is not pleased with the soul that draws back??? You see, I accepted Jesus with all heart at age 14- then I stopped believing and led a life of occultic practice. It was back in June, 2002 I had invited the demon to use my soul and I have been tortured and tormented ever since. Now I’m trying to get back right with God because I now understand once again that He is. I am 41 years old now.
As soon as I left that church I began to doubt my salvation. My life suddenly became a living hell…everything in my life seemed to fall apart. When I got home that day I told my parents that I had gotten saved. My father dismissingly said something like, “” That’s good.”” and my mom said something like,”” Saved ! Saved from what ! My foot saved ! “” I don’t believe that my mom has ever truly believed in the virgin birth, even though she was raised in the Catholic church. She used to say, “” Virgin birth my foot ! “” and she would call anyone who went to church and read the Bible a fanatic. She is very demonized and very abusive. I just recently found out– after June 9, 2002, that my father had been a ‘ closet Christian ‘ since his teens. Of course he has never told me that he loves me either. God and Jesus were never once mentioned in our household, although we did have a single Bible, hidden beneath a stack of other books, papers and other stuff and my parents did seem to enjoy the Billy Graham telecasts and The World Tomorrow broadcast with Garner Ted Armstrong. It was in fact my father’s Rosicrucian literature that got me involved in the occult. I was just a child. He had studied Rosicrucianism for a short time, before giving it up because he said it didn’t work for him. Well, it DID work for me, and very well in fact. He claims that he had NO IDEA that it was anything evil or against God. I believe him.
As I began to practice more and more often and a wider variety of the magical arts, my life became more and more charmed and somehow I became more and more capable of BREEZING RIGHT THROUGH the toughest situations. It was as if I was made of steel and at other times invisible, etc.– WHATEVER THE SITUATION CALLED FOR. I honestly believed in my heart that I was invincible and that I would somehow find a way to live forever– without hurting anyone to achieve that goal– apart from salvation through Christ Jesus. I no longer believed in Jesus remember. BUT I had begun to watch Christian television also towards the end remember. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God.
I wonder if I was ever saved. I thought that I was at first, before I stopped believing altogether. If I was saved, could I have lost my salvation ? ? ? or was I sealed ? ? ? Is that the reason I am being so obviously and so blatantly attacked by Satan and this demonic spirit ? ? ? Could I really have blasphemed against the Holy Spirit ? ? ? My heart is completely broken for each sin that I have ever sinned against God- for each and every time that I have ever hurt Him, hurt anyone, or grieved the Holy spirit.
For the past two weeks a scripture from the Bible has been persistently coming to my mind, but I do not trust my thoughts because of this demonic monster. The scripture is: to whom much is given, much is required. I don’t have any money and very few possessions, but I have a knowledge of things that most other people can never know in this life- even though nobody should EVER have to know these things that I have and am now experiencing and no one should EVER do the things that I have done in order to have this knowledge. Also my life was miraculously spared about a year before this attack. And as I was mopping the floors 2 days ago, a scripture came to me hard- like a flash of lightning- like a revelation. It is the scripture where Jesus said, All who are given to me by the Father will not be lost- no not one. I probably am not quoting these scriptures exactly as they are written in the Bible, but I don’t think that I am twisting them.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME. PLEASE SEEK GOD FOR ME– AS I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF AND MY THOUGHTS WITH THIS DEMON IN MY HEAD. I NEED CONFIRMATION AND I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO GET FREE. Why can’t God just tell me to do something simple, like dipping in the Jordan 7 times….but that wouldn’t be simple because I don’t know how I would possibly get to the Jordan.
Please pray for my resurrection- please don’t question this- please just do it. Please pray for my deliverance from Satan, demon(s), the kingdom and powers of darkness, death, hell and suicide; that God have mercy on me and set me free; that God create in me a pure heart and wash me clean of all unrighteousness. Please pray that I become one with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit; for the Holy Spirit to enlighten me; that my faith be strong in the Lord- never wavering; that I be faithful to Jesus Christ alone and only hear His voice; that I be in perfect submission and obedience to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit and that all of my steps be ordered by Him. Also I am in need of confirmation. Please pray for my mother, father and brothers- for salvation, deliverance, peace, protection and health. The Lord graciously bless you all. Amen. Please pray and don’t stop praying. This is a desperate request.
PLEASE pray and don’t stop praying. Please have as many people pray as possible.
Thank you so very much,
The Lord graciously bless you all,