I am not a good Christian. I’m still not a good Christian. But I try to be a good one, at least one that is good in God’s eyes.
I come from a broken family. My parents divorced when I was young and I never quite knew what it was like to be in a complete one where there’s a father figure who would work to provide for the family and a mother figure who would tend to the children and nurture them to become good people. I stayed with my mother following the divorce and my mother worked hard everyday in order to support my family. It was lonely as a child, I’ve never quite knew what love is as my family members do not openly express their love and caning was the way to go when I made mistakes as a child.
Somehow, in spite of the lack of adult guidance in my life, there seemed to be someone/something unexplainable that is there to guide me against doing wrong things, telling my heart not to do certain things because it is morally wrong or will hurt someone.
My family is not Christian, but I wanted to become a Christian. I read the bible, attended churches of various denominations seeking to feel closer to God, feel his presence. I tried to follow whatever’s said in the bible, but I still couldn’t feel his presence.
Now looking back, I realised that it is because of the fact that I missed out on the key to reach God, and that is to believe in Jesus Christ, that he died for our sins to redeem us. That our great God gave His One and Only Son to die for our sins because He loved us, He loved us sinful humans so much to be willing to do that. And that we need to take the one step of faith in Christ in order to reach God.
I had struggled with the concept of Jesus Christ dying for our sins for many years. In spite of reading the bible and attending church and all, I still struggled with that concept. Eventually, I decided to stop going to church for I couldn’t understand or was no longer interested in learning about God’s Words as I got so caught up with the troubles in my life.
I started to face health issues as I grew older. Strange illnesses and allergies started to beset me and my conditions got worse as I grew older. My body became weaker and weaker and I kept losing weight as well on top of skin problems on my face. I visited doctors of all kinds for more than 10 years but no one is able to give me a diagnosis and cure me. I tried all kinds of medications, treatments, supplements but to no avail. Doctors only served to deliver me unpleasant news such as ‘you cannot be cured, you just have to live with it’ or the medications they give me will maybe help me for one month or so, then I’d develop sensitivity towards that medication and could no longer take them due to the adverse reactions I get. For more than ten years, all sorts of medications, supplements and wrong diagnosis only served to weaken me further and I prayed and prayed but there did not seem to be any answer from God. But I still cling on hope and continued to pray to Him, hoping that He would grant my wish of helping me recover. Afterall, He’s a loving God right, he wouldn’t want to see me suffer right?
Little did I know that all these health problems had a learning lesson behind, the reason why God let these things happen to me. I had tried to look for solutions to my health problems on my own, researching religiously for cures. It didn’t occur to me that I am weak while He is strong and that I should surrender everything to Him and let him run the show, let him do what He had planned for me, for my recovery.
It was only when my body became so weak that sometimes I felt as though I would stop breathing and die that I realised how powerless I am as a human being and that only God will be able to save me. It was only at this point when I surrendered myself to Him that I started to be able to feel him again. Slowly, I continued to move forward in my life to face my illness and am thankful to be still breathing whenever I wake up from my bed.
I decided to do volunteer work in order to feel my heart with meaning. My volunteer work entails befriending elderly at the hospital. I had approached the volunteer work with apprehension as I didn’t quite know what to expect out of it. But God knew one sinful motive within me, that I am doing the volunteer work partly for the selfish reason that doing this good deed would probably please him and then He would finally cure me of my illness. I thought that ‘appearing’ to be good in front of Him would please him and then He would stop letting the illness torment me.
But God sees our hearts. He saw that my heart was filled with impure selfish thoughts. He was angry and upset with me. When I visited the patients, one of them actually told me to go home as she probably saw my heart- she saw that it is not good and that I had not come to do the volunteer work out of the goodness of my heart. There was this strain of selfishness within my heart, and that my heart was being polluted with lots of sinful thoughts – my heart was impure and not good.
I never quite knew at that point that God was upset with me because of the evils that exist within my heart. And I was so desperate to recover that I donated money to charity organisations, did volunteer work etc so that God will be pleased with me and will finally let me recover.
I cried everyday, not knowing what to do, what else I can do to recover. I long for a complete family of my own. I long to have a loving husband and to bear a child of my own. However, hearing news from doctors that there’s problems with my ovaries and that my body is too weak to carry a child only served to further break my heart. I want to bear a child more than anything else, to have a child of my own to love and nurture to become a good person.
I prayed to Jesus Christ, asking for his Help, and that I will believe in Him if He could forgive me of my sins and make my heart good again. I cried to Jesus, telling Him of my wish to be able to bear a child of my own, to have a simple small family of my own with a loving husband. I cried pretty hard, I just kept crying.
The very next day, I was due for my volunteer session at the hospital with the elderly. To my pleasant surprise this time round, the moment I reached, I was being hugged by one of the elderly who is a mute (she was the patient who drove me away the previous session) and used sign language to tell me that I will have a baby. She proceeded to lead me to speak to the other patients who were not too friendly with me the previous time and they all were very gentle towards me and spoke to me with kindness. I was too overwhelmed by God’s work in my life, and how Christ truly did what I had asked for – to purify my heart and the reassurance that I will be able to have a child of my own.
Although I am still beset with health problems, and that my body is still weak, I see myself as much happier and more confident in my faith in Jesus Christ. He truly is there to help guide us in our lives, and that He truly loves us. God loves us with all his Heart. He is present, He is there by our side, always, never once leaving us.
I am still not a good Christian, but I try my best to do what Jesus Christ did for God. As a human being, a small insignificant being in God’s creation, I am weak and still prone to sin. But I pray for Jesus’ help to strengthen me and guide me in my walk with God to eternity. And I sincerely thank Jesus for giving me the strength in my heart to write this testimony.