The testimony on this page is taken from the book “Jars of Clay” Copyright (C) 1999 by Rev. Claudio Freidzon. It is used republished on this website with special permission.
I turned off any feelings toward God and those around me. I became religious and practiced Christianity in theory. Three years of coming and going in my relationship with God went by.
Some months later, I met a man who had been a drug addict. He soon became my boyfriend. Both the leaders at church and my parents were against this relationship, but day by day, I continued walking and touching my failure.
This relationship was immersed in lies, strife, insults and disagreements. Trapped by his addiction, my boyfriend left me right before our wedding. I was so crazy as to think that by marrying him, I would not have to endure my father’s hatred toward me.
This young man moved to another state, and I fell into a terrible depression. I felt an uncontrollable hatred toward my father. He was opposed to everything I did. I was aware that I had committed many mistakes and let my family down many times, but I felt tortured because my father couldn’t forgive me.
Early one morning, feeling abandoned, I decided to run away from home without telling anybody anything – I just left a note. I felt anger in my heart toward my parents and God. I took all my belongings with me, planning never to come back again. I left thinking that I would find friends, a spouse, work…. But I found only lies, loneliness, hunger, lack of understanding, guilt, disappointment and other unwanted feelings. I started to drink alcohol and to smoke marijuana, and I immersed myself in unfinished love relationships and disappointing friendships.
Soon my life was destroyed. I became anorexic and lost twenty pounds in less than a month.
Some nights I would think about killing myself by throwing myself under a passing train or by taking pills or drugs. But in spite of all this I could sense God’s presence following me everywhere I went. He wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t understand His insistence, since I had openly rejected Him.
One day I just got tired of my depression and of not being able to find a job or a place to live. I couldn’t stand the loneliness because, no matter how bad it had been, I was used to living with my family. Drowning in anger, pain and “hunger” for love and acceptance, I called home. I expected yelling and reproaches, but instead I heard my mom’s pleading with me to come back home, telling me I was forgiven. And so I did.
But back at home, I didn’t go to church and soon abandoned the psychological treatment I was given. I decided to exclude God completely from my life and to remove my father out of my heart forever.
My parents felt morally, socially and spiritually wounded. Time after time they said, “May God’s will be done in your life.” Threatened by my bursts of anger and my desire to leave again or even to kill myself, they allowed me to sin and to relate to the wrong kind of people.
My father started to punish me verbally. his anger was tremendous and in some ways it was reciprocal. My feelings for him were awful, and yet I hid them, deluding my parents so that I could enjoy some privileges at home.
One day I thought about killing my father with a weapon that he had hidden in the house. I knew where it was, so I took the weapon and caressed it. I wanted to do it without much thinking, but then I quickly put it away.
Thousands of events and countless sinful experiences filled my days. I became involved in criminal activities. It was 1996, and I had started to go to school just to prove that I wasn’t good at that either. I continued to sin more and more through night parties, unruly passions, vices and unhappy love affairs. In every situation I would do whatever I wanted to do-but not at home. My father’s rules and limitations had me cornered.
I went to a gym that belonged to a young man from King of Kings Church. I could hear them talking about God and listening to Christian music in the place. Instead of leaving, there was something that attracted me to that place, and I started to be concerned about my physical and spiritual condition. I became aware of my own human misery, the hidden things in my life. One afternoon, together with those brothers and sisters, I prayed to the Lord asking for reconciliation, even though I had doubts that I could ever really love Him. I didn’t feel anything for Him anymore.
Yet from that moment on God really started to pursue me. He was with me at all times. Even while I was sinning, He was there. I could hear His voice talking to my conscience, telling me that I didn’t belong to that world anymore. He would tell me I was His, and that I had never stopped being His in spite of my many rejections. I was troubled by all these feelings, and in my spirit I would contend with Him. He was alluring me with His compassion and His love, and I had no more strength to fight back.
Tired of struggling with God in my thoughts, tired of fighting with my parents, I surrendered to the presence of God in my room. Alone, just Him and me, even though I couldn’t see Him or
touch Him, I knew He was there. This night we settlcd all accounts, all the personal issues of my relationship with Him. I was able to cry a lot and receive His comfort and forgiveness. I felt deeply cleansed of all the wrong fcelings I had inside. I knew that a very close friendship with the Lord had just started.
Some months went by. Although I continued to sin, I felt God’s presence and His pure, clean love, different from any other type of superficial love I had known before.
After reading the book Holy Spirit, I Hunger for You by Pastor Claudio Freidzon, I had a wonderful experience with God. I believed that his blood had cleansed me, and I knew that I would never be the same again. I couldn’t resist his tremendous love anymore. His love was stronger than all my guilt and my fears.
The Holy Spirit broke insurmountable spiritual and psychological strongholds that had been inside of me for years. I felt a special kind of love for my father. I had never loved him like this before, and I couldn’t wait for the next day to come, when I would tell him how much I loved him. A wonderful restoration started to take place.
One evening, while doing some silly chore, I started to cry. It didn’t make sense, but suddenly I was filled with the love and the forgiveness of God. Crying, I approached my dad and asked him if we could talk. I asked his forgiveness for all the hatred that I had felt for him for all those years. Likewise, he asked for my forgiveness for not having known how to deal with me correctly. We talked peacefully and confessed all the hurt we had inflicted on each other. We agreed to nurture the new father-daughter relationship that was developing that night. We prayed together and asked God to teach us both to be kind and respectful in spite of our flaws.
Currently I attend King of Kings Church in Belgrano and also the discipleship groups. I feel loved and respected by niy brothers and sisters in the faith. Now I can understand that this is much more than a religion; it is a deep love relationship of daily commitment. Every day I decide to love Him more, and that helps me to love my dad, in spite of his faults.
God started a new work in me and will be faithful to complete it. I believe that He will use my life as a vessel to talk to those who are hurting, who need God’s true love and compassion for their broken lives, torn by life’s circumstances.