As far back as I can remember I have always had a rather unusual life. My mother was an alcoholic and wasn’t around much. I was left to care for my two younger brothers while our mother went from bar to bar. Occasionally she would bring men back home with her. She would bring them to our home in the middle of the night while my brothers and I were sleeping just a few doors away. It probably goes without saying that a few of them weren’t very friendly.
Growing up in this kind of environment takes a toll on a child. I became very angry; angry with everyone that was around and everyone that wasn’t. Most of the time I felt very alone. Along with my mothers drinking came a very short fuse and a volatile temper. Beatings became a regular occurrence, along with verbal abuse. I remember being called horrible names by her, and she was supposed to love me no matter what; what was I to think. I was angry, I was alone, and I was scared. After fifteen years of enduring every king of abuse imaginable you could probably guess how depressed I was. I wanted to die. For what I could see I had no more reason to live. Life to me was a worse punishment than death could ever bring. I can remember nights when all I could do is cry and beg a God that at the time I didn’t believe in to take me out of such a miserable existence. By the age of 23 I was struggling through college, and I had a husband and a child of my own to care for. But I couldn’t see through the cloud of depression in front of me. I had so much, but I just couldn’t see it. I wanted so much for someone to just love me, but I was lost in a deep depression. I felt hopeless, alone, afraid, abandoned, and worn thin. I just couldn’t take anymore that life had to dish out. Over the years I had attempted suicide several times. But every time there was someone there that reached out and pulled me back. Depression is a deep and dark place that no one should have to survive through. But fortunately for me I survived.
November 2005 there came a change in my life like no other. I will never forget that day. The day I meet the one person that loves me no matter what. It actually all started the weekend before, Halloween weekend. I was sick and couldn’t take my son out, so his father went with him and I was home alone. I was running a fever, and couldn’t get out of bed for the entire weekend. I can’t remember anything about Friday and Saturday; must have slept through those two days entirely. But by Sunday I was feeling better. I had a pretty normal Sunday at home with my family. As the day winded down I put my son to bed early for school the next day. I had class early the next morning so I decided to go to bed early myself.
After I had been in bed for about ten minuets or so I found myself talking to God. As every other night I had spent asking God to take me out of a horrible life. But this time I wanted more; I wanted to know why. Why did I have to live like this? Why did I have to go through so many horrible things? I asked God to show me; I had no idea what I was asking for but I wanted to see. I just kept asking over and over again show me, show me, show me. I felt myself start to drift away; I felt completely relaxed and it felt as if the world around me were gone. I didn’t feel the bed underneath me or the wind form the fan beside my bed. Everything was gone, I know I wasn’t asleep. I don’t know how I knew but I just did. And in a flash I was standing in front of the double window that was in my room. Every thing around me was bright. So bright; an unending light. It seemed to come from every where and nowhere. And I was suddenly aware of someone behind me. But I couldn’t move; I couldn’t turn my head to see who was with me. I heard a voice say, “This is what it will be like, this is what is going to happen”. Over and over again the same thing. Suddenly outside the window things changed. There was darkness, no sun or moonlight, no stars. Everything that was once outside my window was gone destroyed. Huge hills of rubble and fire and so much smoke everywhere. There were people running all over, screaming, and crying. Other things I don’t know what they were; some strange creature I have never seen before. These creatures were tormenting people, killing them, and eating the flesh from them. Even the people were hurting each other. It was absolutely horrible. But still behind me, beside me, everywhere around me this person I couldn’t see was saying that this is what it was going to be like, this is what is going to happen. Then just as quickly as it started it was over. I was back in my bed, wide awake. I was terrified; I had no clue what I had just seen. I didn’t understand it, all I could think of was the bible that I had had since before my husband and I were married. I needed to find it so badly. So I went to my closet and dug through what felt like a hundred boxes. And I found my bible and I started to read.
A couple of days passed and I told a few people that I knew I could trust about what had happened. My husband thought I was crazy, but my aunt told me she thought that it was a vision from God. I don’t know what it was; a dream or a vision. But what I do know is that what ever it was it helped me in so many ways. During that first couple of days afterward I was more open to what people had to say about God. I was watching ministers on television and listening to religious music. And on November 2, 2005 I was standing in my kitchen cooking dinner; I had just put a gospel CD that a friend had given to my husband. As I was listening to the music it just hit me and I stopped in the middle of the kitchen. And I started to cry because at that very moment I heard Jesus telling me that he loved me No Matter What. At that moment I asked Jesus to forgive me and to come into my heart. I asked him to change me, to fix my broken heart. And he did. Oh it was so wonderful. A feeling of love and comfort just swept over my body. And I felt peace for the first time in my life. I finally knew that someone, JESUS, loved me. Those years of depression and abuse were gone. Those stains were washed away. I was made a new person from that moment on. Oh hallelujah he set me free from the bondage of sin.
I have to make it clear that I wasn’t just a victim of my childhood experiences, I learned it. I was a very angry and volatile person. I was moody and prone to fits of rage. I threw things at people, hurt them emotionally and physically. But the day that Jesus came into my life that all changed. I am a new person now, Jesus took control of me. He is what drives me now. Anything I do I want to do for him. He took my anger toward people and changed it to love. He took my rage and changed it to drive; a drive to be all that I can for him. He took that depression that darkness that I lived in for so many years and turned it into a light. A light for him to shine for the entire world to see what he has done for me. Oh I praise God for all the wonderful things that he has done for me. Without him I would be lost and hurting, but because he is with me I am made strong. Oh praise his wonderful name.